Pessimism

It seems like pessimism comes more naturally to me. Is it because of the narrow mindset of the Chinese, where parents tell you how impossible is it to do something different? Is it because I'm so used to this closed environment that I'm so afraid to step out? Is it because of my Aquarius Pieces CUSP horoscope which is infamous with overthinking and worrying? Or is it because thinking all the negative stuff is so much easier than to tackle the real problem and to face the fear head on.

Indeed, the environment I'm living in, does not promote optimism at all. But, it doesn't mean that I should be blinded by the environment and continue to swim in the darkness, and never resurface. Optimism definitely need more of my usual energy, but optimism is the only way out. Optimism is not a choice, it is a must. Pessimism is not an excuse for a healthy young individual, it's an escape route for cowards. 

Buck up. Think and strive for the good things! Do not worry for all the problems in your selfish mind. There will ALWAYS be endless problems. But there is the choice to face and conquer them and focus on the important things. 

Stop freaking out. What ever will be will be. Que sera sera. Leave the future to the Future Me. Help Future Me build values and positive strengths. Exercise positiveness.

Trials of Life

2014 had been a doubtful year for me. I'm doubtful of my course, of my path, of my choice, of my own being. 2014 left me undecided on things at many levels. 2014 had me feeling scared to step out and yet anxious to escape. 2014 had me tied down to the junction and I don't know how to leave it. The time to make THE choice is getting nearer, and I'm getting more anxious and panicky every passing second.

Take the leap of faith. To what? I feel like playing mee nee mee nee my nee moe to choose the next step. What am I so afraid of? failing? not really. the unknown? not so. I'm fearing of revealing myself to the real world, I guess. I'm fearing of being the black sheep in the real world. The odd one. The awkward one. The weird one. 

After all these years, I'm so not prepared to face the outside world. I already feel that I don't belong at home, in school, in uni and in front of any strangers. I'm self conscious the moment I open my mouth to talk to people. I'm already judging myself before others judge me. And the thing about Malaysians, they do judge you. Ya, I can just put that aside and not care about what others think. But the problem is that I'm judging myself. Why do I speak like that? why stutter? It's inappropriate to comment. It's bad if I can't answer the question well. What do I say next? What if everyone hates me and I end up alone?

You see, I always find problem within myself. Always. I can't relax. Even now, at home, with graduation in half a year's time, I'm already panicking of what would happen next, palpitating, restless. And I think, of the universe and the meaning of life. And the POINT which I'm placed on earth. Is it to gain more? To enjoy? To give? To harness my potential? LOL which should I choose? reality or idealism. Money or simplicity. Be ambitious or be contented. Career or family. Superficial or spiritual. I feel old. I think what the old people think. What would it be that I want most when I finally die. Until I forget that I'm at the age where I should just TRY. Early twenties is when time is the greatest resource. Use the time to TRY everything then I'll know. I can't figure out life until I've tried all that I can try. 

It sucks that I don't know exactly which of the trials would bring me to the correct path. guess I'll have to make the long way around and just START trying until I get it right. 

THE TIME is near. I have to hurry to start the trials of life. The earlier I start, the sooner I'll get to the goal.

On a side note, I hope that the passion planner can help me sort things out. I hope that at the end of next year, I'll be a lot more than who I am today. Future me, please do your best! I might not have the money and wisdom, but time is my asset! For year 2015, the motto is just simple: time is gold.

The Danger of Yawning

The blog name itself suggests that I'm the odd one out. Not that I choose to be this way intentionally, it just happens to be like that.

This fact is strengthen over and over again after all these years. Just yesterday, a perfect example emerges itself once again...

Who in the hell yawns and got jaw dislocated? Me! I was just preparing to start my studies of the day, when I just yawned... and then I found that my mouth wouldn't close!!no matter how hard I've tried! I know it happens to some people, must mostly could unlock it by themselves. I thought I could too, in the first two hours. I have googled how to unlock a dislocated jaw but to no avail. but, at the third hour, when I can't even move my jaw left and right. I've started to freak out and have no choice but to seek medication help. YES I'VE OPENED MY MOUTH FOR THREE FREAKING HOURS, WHILE  STILL TRYING TO DO PAST YEAR BECAUSE I HAVE FINALS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. what a baaaad timing for this to have occurred to me.

Long story short. I drove to Assunta Hospital to unjam my locked jaw. Thank god the nurses did not laugh at me. I think they have indeed seen cases and helpless patients like me. And then I was injected with anesthetic (my dad say its just calming agent, to relax my muscles), and the doctor took no more than one minute to unlock my jaw. By inserting his thumbs into my mouth and some how push it back really hard. I was feeling a little drowsy, but then he has fixed it!

And then, the bill came....its 400 freaking bucks!! for a freaking yawn!!! Because its a Sunday, the charges is higher than usual. BUT ITS 400 FREAKING BUCKS FOR A FREAKING YAWN!! I came home and dad just keep nagging me that I should not have opened my mouth so widely when I yawn. And he also prepared contact for 铁打师傅 just in case this ridiculous accident would one day happen again. People would got their jaw dislocated before tend to have it dislocated again more easily in the future. I cannot afford to spend freaking 400 bucks every time I yawn, can I? But I'm guessing a visit to the 铁打sensei wouldn't be as painless as the visit to the ER unit. I guess that they wouldn't prepare any calming agent, and would just unjam my jaw by some very forceful kung fu technique?? I don't know. And I wouldn't want that to happen for a very very long time.

So, for people who have faced similar ordeal as me, the disorder like this is called the Temporomandibular Joint Disorders, it is wise to place a fist below your chin when you yawn. It is said to be able to restrict jaw movement, hence avoid jaw dislocation. LOL.

Anyways, what's done is done. and I'm just so pleased that my jaw is back in order. I can once again sing and speak properly without my lower jaw hanging half open. And I can eat!! After such torture and torment, I now simply appreciate the miracle of my teeth meeting perfectly together, enabling me to enjoy the food in my mouth. And my lips can perfectly fit together and keep liquids in my mouth without spilling them. I have now recognized the importance of my perfectly fitted jaw!

So, there you go. The story of how I've gone through the longest yawn (more than 3 hours) and also the most expensive yawn in my life.

Reality

The more I grow as a person, the more I realized that I'm one of the rare species that live outside the reality. I'm rather ignorant, I'm a nerd who buries herself in studies and could easily disengage from the outside world. I have more knowledge in Hogwarts fantasies and anime than the real world which I'm living in. I mean I have read about the real world, but I have not seen the real world. The real world just sounds like another story.

My bubble world is something many cannot comprehend. Equations and codes and mathematical models. Staying home on Saturday nights. Alcohol and smoke free. Vulgar free. T shirts and sweat pants. Rarely 'doll up'. Lame black and straight loosely tied up ponytail.

Even though I've far evolved from my high school self, i get culture shock again and again countless times until I wonder which alien planet did I come from. How is it that after 22 years, I still have not met and have people like that around me. Its like the world around me is filtered. I'm still in the core center of the white world. I've heard of some grey ones from stories of friends of friends. And I can't even start to comprehend how the black world looks like.

There are people living life to the fullest, doing all sorts of YOLO stuff. Then there are people (guys) who think that lots and lots of money is the most important of all. Then there are the passionate ones who wants to change the world and leave a mark. Then, there's me, wanting to live a simple and peaceful life, and work on something that I'm good at, and just trying to get through this chaotic world peacefully.

Ya, so the conclusion is. I AM from an alien planet. Who has not embrace the culture of the world. I think I could never embrace it. It will be like asking a fish to fly. I feel like I'm a different species all together.

But, I'm graduating. Guess that even though I'm a fish, I would some how need to grow some wings to survive this chaotic journey called life. Imma growing into a flying fish!

浪子心声

浪子心声 许冠杰

难分真与假
人面多险诈
几许有共享荣华
檐畔水滴不分差
无知井里蛙
徒望添声价
空得意目光如麻
谁料金屋变败瓦
命里有时终须有
命里无时莫强求
雷声风雨打
何用多惊怕
心公正白璧无瑕
行善积德最乐也
人比海里沙
毋用多牵挂
君可见漫天落霞
名利息间似雾化

i don't usually post lyrics, but this song has been stuck in my head from quite awhile. This is a very very old song. I have heard it for a hundred times in my dad's car since I was a little girl. and I realized i have not understand the meaning of the lyrics (my Cantonese is quite bad ) until just yesterday when my dad translates it to me. Such meaningful and truthful lyrics. Actually lifted up my mood. Guess that i'm so engrossed with studies nowadays, I skipped outings, I don't join activities, again things seem a bit lost to me. Some how this lyrics just brighten up my mood. ^^ So rare to have inspiring songs like this today. And such contrast it is when I remembered the most recent song is 'Anaconda'.... 

#themanyfactsaboutme

1. I'm not just a girl. I'm a future Engineer.
2. I have serious issue with choosing the right words to say.
3. I am pretty smart and is very good with mathematics.
4. I stutter and jumble up words when I speak too fast or when I'm nervous.
5. I often get lost in my trail of thoughts and have trouble keeping up with ongoing conversations
6. I hate my dark eye circles. I think I could be very pretty without them =p
7. I'm a forth year student and I have no idea where this electrical engineering degree would lead me to.
8. 70% of my daily routines (minus sleeping hours) are made up of study-related stuff, even my job. I give maths tuition.
9. My best friend is myself and my blog. I tend to spend a lot of time conversing to myself in my mind.
10. My good friends are scattered across the world.
11. I lost my mum at age 14.
12. I always thought that my path would be very much different if my mum is still here.
13. I can't clique with girly girls easily. I don't giggle, talk boys, makeup, party and shop crazy.
14. Yes, I'm a nerd.
15. I really believe that I am not as tanned as people tell me I am
16. I have a tall elder sister, and a short younger sister.
17. Auntie May has been in my home since I was 10 months old and she is here still ^^
18. I'm terrified of all sorts of bugs and mucus-covered invertebrate such as worms, leeches, slugs etc.
19. I used to watch a lot of anime and manga.
20. I am still not the me I want to become.
21. I based my preference on objects very much on the colours bright deep pink and blue (my phone, pencil case, ipad cover, sport shoes, pen drive, folder etc.). Reason being that these colours are LOUD enough so I don't lost the objects easily.
22. I am a major foodie: korean , japanese, chinese foods, milk tea. not so much on desserts and western foods though.
23. I WISH I am good at sports and flexibility. VERY ENVY of ice skaters and ballet dancers.
24. Which brings me to another point: I am utterly hopeless with hand leg coordination. Can't dance, can't pose, bad at balancing, can't handle forks and knives well.
25. I used to learn ballet for like two years, most painful experience of my life (minus facial treatment). All efforts to nil, I can't even touch my toes now.
26. I can't cook, YET. I believe my love for food would force me to work a lot in the kitchen one day.
27. I play Candy Crush a little too much.
28. Good academic results have been a consistent achievement for me since primary school until now.
29. I had failed piano Grade 7. Stopped learning since.
30. My favourite book of all time is STILL Harry Potter. Am still waiting for my Hogwarts Letter.
31. I've read Princess Diaries 1 to 10. My blogging habit is pretty much inspired from there.
32. This is how I look like, three years ago anyway:

33. I have very bad handwriting, but love writing anyways.
34. I have a thing for pretty quotes and Chinese idioms.
35. I sometimes write and copy quotes to calm my mind.
36. I love orchestra, choir and music with lots of harmony.
37. I hate crowds, noise, disco lighting. Do not idolize. Am no fangirl.
38. I used to love art work such as sewing, drawing, coloring, making handcraft items.
39. I love anything that got to do with Matcha and Green tea.
40. I want to go back into learning music someday (choir? cello? flute? 古筝？)
41. I like doing lists like this. Read my blog, I have tonnes of them.
42. I really believe writing makes me feel a lot better about myself!
43. I listen to YG k pop songs when I'm rushing assignments.
44. I hate milo.
45. My proudest moment in sports is when I got 25th place in the 5 km marathon in my high school during form 1.
46. I have three mooncake boxes which I use to keep old letters and souvenirs.
47. I received a secret love letter during form one and today I still have no idea who sent it to me.
48. I'm no expert, but I used to play a number of instruments: piano, clarinet, 柳琴，中阮，double bass.

Gossip Girls

Oh the sweet gossip that everyone loves. The excitement for interesting stories and the temporary bond among the group of gossipers. and the aftermath guilt when you talked and contributed too much. The struggle that's is only within yourself. enough is enough. Gossip is never a positive thing. The bigger the group gets, the more complicated the things get. How i wish to undo my words. Lesson learnt: Don't get carried away with gossips. And the stories you hear, just allow one ear to be open and another to be closed. No feelings attached. No judging after. oops.

Next time, just a quiet discussion with a selected few. Or best, no discussion at all.

Smart

I read a Uberfact tweet that says smart people tend to have insomnia due to higher brain activity. I suspect that this is true for me! Hah. Because, I tend to overthink so damn much! Until a point that I either can't fall asleep, or my thoughts jumble up into twisted dreams that cause me more stress in my sleep. Hence, my dark eye circles? Even though I have long sleeping hours, I often feel that I have rarely rested enough, and still feel tired and drained after my sleep. Guess that it pays to be smart =p

Haha okay I'm not so deluded. Of course there are other contributing factors. Like stressful studies right before I sleep. Or lack of exercise so that I'm often too stressed up. And also sleeping late and oversleeping that cause my biological clock to be messed up.

So. New resolution: Sleep early and wake early!!! Early as in sleeping at 11.30pm and waking at 7.30am! Eight full hours no more no less! Also, TRY getting back into exercise. This will lead to a good night sleep. AND HENCE I CAN SAY GOODBYE TO MY GREATEST ENEMY OF ALL TIME: MY EYE BAGS!!

okay. cheers to myself. goodbye.

Words

Sad how should mere sounds and vibration formed by the human voice through the air should hurt you sometimes. Of course, words can also be a beauty, a form of love, warmth, friendship, inspiration and encouragement.

But not mindless words, no. Mindless words are from people who just feel like talking, for the sake of talking. Too many words are useless, they could offer no knowledge nor positivity. They just cause disputes and lame conflicts. True meanings do no need so many number of words to relay the information. Some people just talk as if they're in love with their own voice.

I'm a slow learner with words. I often mix up vocabs like circumstances and circumference, artist with drawer, Leonardo Da Vinci and Leonardo Di Caprio. I often forgets names of people/ objects/ places. And spelling, I'm horrible at it. And so, I am not good at arguments/ debates/ spontaneous talking. That's why I make do with writing instead. Where the words I typed out are words that I really want them to mean. Words and feelings that I've given a serious thought about. Not mindless chitchat and mean jokes. 

Sometimes, too many are just one too many. Am I cutting off something again?

Note to self

1. Read my English before i send an email. Its embarrassing to have stupid grammatical errors. Same for speaking. Think before I speak. Leave out the 'ma, la', 'izit', 'gua' chinapek words!! Speak slowly and concisely.

2. Smile. And don't be lazy to greet people. Sigh don't be a blur, ignorant and arrogant bastard. This is like the bare minimum. If this don't even works, how can I be the sociable person I want to become?

3. Stop crushing candies!! Its been a whole year since it went out of fashion. And its okay if i don't score three stars. I have wasted way too many days and hours on it!! I could have done more constructive stuff with the extra time. Also, it makes my vision worse than before!!

4. Exercise. Constant backache and occasional headache in the age of 22?? unacceptable!! I forced myself to joined two marathons, but I have yet to begin practicing for the runs T.T And what happened to the daily 30 minute workout routine? died off after a mere two months? AND that bloody tummy is growing bigger! My jeans are tight! I better not cry when they won't fit one day T.T Not to say that i have so many pretty tight skirts which I'm embarrassed to wear, just because my tummy shows!! zzzz

5. Empathy. Kindness. Patience. Maybe I should meditate to calm my soul. Constant frustration and anger is bad for one's mental condition. It leads to depression. I want a peaceful and happy soul. I want inner peace!

6. Financial. To work or to do another internship. To spend or not to spend. To earn or not to earn. My maths is good. But it sucks when it comes to spending. No I seldom splurge. But rather I could not make up my mind on what to do with my money at hand. Except with food. I would mostly spend on foods without hesitation. Don't tempt me!!

7. Add some sparks and spices to life! GAWD everything seems to die off since i started studying engineering. Remember those days? Where we go for weekly music practices? Art/music lessons? Events? Meetings? And still have energy to strive in studies as well as achieve a balance in everything? GONE. now i'm a 10000% nerd. Surrounded by studies and NOTHING ELSE. Is it the workload? I think not. Its the lifestyle. Its the laze that hangs over every student in Monash. D2Y seems to be the best way out from my situation. I've always wanted to join something like that. Then poof! and i don't join them anymore. What a waste. NOOOooooooo. I need something else in my life!!! should I start looking for random social societies and volunteer work?

8. Picking up. In recent years, I may have dropped many things behind in order to embark this engineering journey in Monash. Its hard to see everyone when I'm surrounded by workloads and codes and equations. And people don't relate to engineering stuff. And I don't have any more stuff in my life except engineering!! I've turned into such a boring person. So, is it time to pick up old friendships? old interests? maybe something I've loved and abandoned for a long time...

9. Something new. Besides picking up old stuff, I should try something new. You see, if i keep dropping and leaving stuff behind, and not pick up something new, I'll just be stuck at this state called lifeless-engineering-nerd. I should do something NOT related to engineering at all. I should be MORE than a freaking engineering student.

Self-praise: Recently i'm being this very big-heart-ed person who is extremely tolerant to criticizes and people (some are idiots) around me. Managed to keep composure at most of the times. good job for a Pieces ^^

人生如逆水行舟，不进则退。A basic Chinese idiom I ought to remember for life!

anxious

Anxious, is the word to describe me nowdays. A bad word, really. Anxious with how i look, anxious about what I have to say, anxious about my posture, speech, money, homework, people... practically most of the things.

The weird thing is, i'm not that of a helpless person. In fact, i'm pretty capable myself, in terms of handling academics, at least. I have brains, I'm an engineer, i could solve even the more complicated problems. Yet, still the anxiety, which eats me out from the insides, sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel i have all the problems in the world. sometimes i feel i'm just another whiny spoilt brat. Yet sometimes, i tell myself all this are just over thinking, which leads to anxiety, which leads to unhappiness.

When I know i could do well in studies, I tend to do the opposite, which is read other random stuff unrelated to studies at all, which makes me fall well behind just two weeks into the semester.

Inner peace. where are you? I need my inner peace and happiness.

Rough start

Yesh! My uni life has finally taken a turn for the better. After, what seems like a horrible, depressing first week.

First off, I've gotten sick in the first week. Due to aftermath of overly exposed to germs and bacteria of the crowds of the crazy book fair at klcc. Okay, its just that I'm weak. oops. Anyhow, after the first day at uni, and lots of sneezing, I woke up from a nap to find that I'm down with fever. And our family dinner at Tao has to be cancelled because of that!! I missed another day of lesson, and spent my time either freezing to death, or sweating my pants out miserably at home.

Anyways, due to this fever, I've missed not one, not two, but three outings!! how can so much happen in just a couple of days eh?

But, like i said, things are finally looking up! A brand new day today, fever free (though still lots of cough) and free milo (though i don't drink milo)!! Also, monday is known as Naing day for me, given that all three lectures on this day are from him, which means ALL of my electrical friends are having classes together!! haha. I thought that this isn't possible anymore given we are all from different years and semesters. Also, my FYP is on track! sorta ^^ going in the right direction anyways. And dr Kuang is too kind, too kind. That's a huge worry of my chest.

Pray for this to be a smooth semester!

Imagine

If i would imagine. I see that I'm well past my insecurities and self judgement issues, I'm well at ease with myself, and that I could speak calmly and confidently.

No, its not that I want to be what i am not, but rather imagining what I can become. If engineering did killed my artistic side, I can't allow it to stop me from imagining.

Now to think of it, its a while since i imagine the future. Ya, i day dream a lot, but not imagining. Imagining is visualizing, setting a goal, and knowing that it could be achieved.

If I would imagine, I see I'll be a happy person with the capability of taking care of myself and the ones i love, doing things which I'm good at, and surrounded by people I love. To tell the truth, I was kinda at a failure with that, as I don't keep in touch my any of my A levels friends, and in uni, my previous gang of friends has broken into a thousand pieces. Also, I imagine I'm healthy and in control of my body (looks like I have to start exercising again). If I'm at ease, happiness would come, as well as friendship and everything good in the world.

Now with the picture in my mind. the goal is set. All is the power of the mind. Cultivate the mind!

And yes I just read the book "the monk who sold his ferrari". Read a few pages and its a good wake up call. Lack of positive energy around me and I have to create my own.

Imagine, before I make another step that would set me off track.

I'm a Math Nerd

okay. so few weeks before the semester resumes, I freaked out instead of staying relaxed and enjoying my holidays. I was nervous about my FYP topic when I heard there are more lecturers than students from my batch, which would mean that only one student may work under one lecturer. I wanted to avoid the situation where all the suitable topics being picked by the others and went ahead to schedule an appointment with a lecturer.

Anyways, the good news is, I got a topic! in a field which I wanted. The bad news is, it sounds like a really difficult topic. How difficult? Well the first two topics he gave me to choose is "Lasso Group Signal Decomposition" and "Uniformity in Multi Dimensions". Ya, I don't know what they means either. And finally, he settled me with a third topic instead of the two, namely "Signal Excitation Modelling". Ya, I'm suppose to model the excitement of signals, by derivation of equations and sorts I guess @@

And, as opposed to the previous post, I'm feeling hopeful again somehow. Remembered what I said about choosing the wrong course? I think that's just because of the stress from exams. Now exams are all far and over, and I got my pretty results, engineering once again don't seem like the wrong course at all! Haha, ya you can call me fickle minded.

The thing is, I'm drawn to math. In the past, present, and in my FYP, more than ever. And I think that's the reason why I chose engineering over architecture. And even though electronics isn't my favorite thing in the world, E&E does involve a lot of math, as compared to the other courses. So, even though I've diverted slightly from the pure mathematics, I'm still doing applied math, in a way.

How am I drawn to math? well, in primary school, math is easily my best and most favorite subject. Every school holidays during year end, as all kids in the school, I would restock new tutorial books for the following year. And of all the books, math would be the first book I open and finish. And I always finish them even before the year starts and had to buy another one. Which I would probably finish in another two weeks. I was kinda obsess with Maths. Maths is like the sudoku for me. Also, I'm obsess with winning the school math competition and I look forward to it every year. Call me a nerd.

In high school? well, after the pmr, I got so bored I borrowed kumon exercise sheets from my friend, Crystal. I got a whole stack and finished it during the holidays. It was just algebra and factorization but it's quite new to a pmr student like me at that time. omg, I am a nerd!!

And in form 4? I LOVE add Maths. It's the first homework I'll finish and I always immediately consult my senior, Seng yeang whenever I have a slightest doubt. And I got this pelangi analysis series questions, which I attempted until late night, until I'm confident that I got hold of the chapter. NERD ALERT.

And after high school? Add Maths became the subject I want to teach. not anything else. Not languages or history or biology. Just add Maths. Not to mention again I self studied Further Maths in A levels, even though I didn't need to. But I wanted to, and I went to several friends to help me out, Yee Min, Hua Chern, Js, Yeng Joe. Ya and the epic moment when I'm the only candidate sitting for this paper at INTI. And scored! heh.

Obsessed. Aren't I? So now, for the FYP, it only makes sense that I'm drawn to the field in Optimization, Estimation, and Numerical Methods, which is what became of mathematics in the field of  engineering. 

Okay. I'm not just a nerd. I'm a math geek. And I'm writing all this down, in case one day I begin to doubt that I'm in the wrong course again. Because, I am not! I have indeed chosen math and math again consistently over the years, which is indeed what I do best and what I like best. I don't know where this math will bring me in future. But I think, when the choices presents themselves again one day, I will definitely go for Maths.

Yay! Found something close to my "calling". And ya, you can call me delay jie for realizing this only recently. lol.

prior exam

Hi, i shouldn't be here at all. Why? I'm having two final papers in two consecutive days tomorrow and the day after. Yes, I'm am studying. Notes and tutorials are piling in front of me just this very moment.

So why am I here? Engineering, as much as i like it and as much as i've already chosen it. Facing the exams always gives me second thoughts about it. Being buried in equations and very tough syllabus, which might sound as much as alien language to any normal human being, its really hard to stay positive about this particular career path that i've chosen at the age 19.

And always at this kinda timing, regrets of not choosing the OTHER path will flood my mind. Yep, the OTHER path, namely architecture. I would dream of going back to age 19 and take up architecture instead of engineering. I would dream of building models with cardboards instead of hacking my brain on equations and theories. I would imagine that I'll be so good at sketching that I can design my future dream home and create many many dream homes for people to live in. And it left me utterly lost at what I'm doing with seemingly pointless equations in engineering.

Sigh. I know it wouldn't be easy either if I have indeed chosen to study architecture. The assignments might be 10 times stressful than the ones i'm having now. Also, I might also turn out to dislike architecture in the middle of it. But, at the bottom line, I could picture myself designing and drawing for the sake of being able to create a pretty dream house one day. With engineering, honestly, i'm lost at what i'm at able to create one day. a circuit board? a system?

Seriously, this thought pop up every single time when i'm facing exams. whether that i've chosen my path wrongly. And the fact that i'm already completing my 3rd year, on the way to do my final, has as well concluded the fact that i have to be an engineer.

Stressful moment induce stressful thoughts. see? i need to find a plan so that I can achieve what i want as an engineer as well.

Okay. Back to studies. two more days!!

Mature

Recently, I've followed this page on facebook called "Humans of New York". I kinda enjoy reading their every post. It nice to read the views of random people of all ages and races in the world. There's this quote from a random dude on the page, "You mature the moment you know what you want to do". Hmm, wise.

That's why I have not matured? I don't know what I want to do. A year to graduation, I have not figured it out. Ya, its not easy to 'figure' your life out for most people. Most people are not born with a burning passion to do what you are destined to do and are able to chase you lifelong dream the minute you turn 18 or something. If you are, bless you. You are so lucky.

The rest of us. Still figuring things out, still uncertain, still lost. The best which I could come out with, are things that I like and things that I don't. So, to make myself feel nearer to my destined path to be, I will slowly collect the things I like, chase the things I like, and it could bring me to a future which I would like it to be? Heh. You know, nice food, maths, nice buildings, nice quotes, nice people, nice places...

Recently, I've received  news that I have completed my industrial training. I have thought that I would need to go for another 8 weeks of internship this summer but it turned out that now I'm free to do whatever I want to do!! woohoo! final freedom which last for 3 months. I should slowly plan it out and make it worthwhile. I should get an interesting job and earn some travelling money. I want to go for a graduation trip! somewhere overseas. heh. korea? hmm three months! what should I do with that amount of free time?

On the nearer future, my one month break is about to begin! Just one more week of exams. I shall dedicate myself to learn cooking and read for most of the times. I'll be up to any short getaways near home. And most importantly i'll be collecting things which I like, like literally.

til then. ciao.

gonna be a FYP sudent

Its week 12! Again. Only one year away from being a engineering bachelor holder. A year from being part of the working world. BUT, don't want to elaborate too much on that just yet. I'm still NOT READY @@ When its time, its time.

Anyways, the fogs obscuring my future has cleared up a little bit. I, at least know, what sorta FYP projects that I might be interested in. I also know what I should do for preparation for the future. I'm also no longer lost and afraid of the future. Nervous, but much better.

Yay! to the path that is getting clearer. and yay to the upcoming holidays. i'm not gonna do a single academic related thing during this coming month. i'm shoooo sick of studying, although comparatively, the schedule for this semester is much looser as compared to the previous one (No bloody robot to build this semester).

On the other hand, i have gotten so much lazier this semester. Shooo lazyyyy to even catch up with the lectures. Two of the units i have only 40% or less knowledge, and its already the last week of the semester @@

Surprisingly, the week 12 of this semester is not a stressful one. Yes i have a lab quiz and a last assignment to submit, but the quiz is a open book test and the assignment is not due until Friday. And most of the lectures are pretty much finished or cancelled.

Sometimes I dislike Monash so much i don't know if i would like to leave my student life sooner or later. I'm hoping that doing my FYP project would be a more pleasant experience than mundane studies. Fingers crossed!

rage

"why u gonna be so rude? don't you know i'm human too? " lyrics from Rude by Magic! sang over and over again by le dear. oddly, its just the right phrase for the day. 

Yes, i've brought it upon myself. People taking me for granted and tease and mock and make fun of and criticize me and everything i love/hate. Just one step away from stomping all over the little pride i have left with cruelty and little kindness.

But, yes. i brought it upon myself. I thought i am all mighty in handling snide remarks. Sometimes, i just thought, whats so bad about giving people a little laugh? That's not too bad, i say. Its still okay. I wont let that get to me. Its just a laugh. I really do lots of stupid stuff, i understand why people laugh at me this way.

I have tolerance, yes, rather HIGH tolerance. i have patience, yes, rather GOOD patience. but, i have a BOILING POINT LIKE JUST EVERY FREAKING PERSON IN THIS WORLD. maybe excluding the monks. and priests. and all the god-like saints. but, i'm still human. and I just reached mine!

maybe i'm just not so big hearted as i thought. maybe i should stop letting little 'jokes' of people slide. maybe i should learn to fight back. you know what? that's not a healthy gathering at all. and one day all the nice people are going to stop being nice because of people like you. and i wonder why is the world such a shitty place.

shit just got real.

Different

There are just too many different people in the world. The world is in chaos because of this. Different character. Different priorities. Different language. Even in the same language, there's still different ways of speaking it. Different interest. Different frequency. Different perspective. Different paradigm. Different beliefs. Which add up to, different worlds. The more we grow, the more we differ? maybe engineers are aliens.

But they say, essentially humans are the same. Maybe someday i can learn to connect with just everybody.

Project I

ello. the title project 'I' is a project for self improvement. yesh imma so determined!!

a recent event at home is a catalyst to cause this. meh i'm sick being so bothered whenever you just decide to step all over me like i'm a piece of useless trash. whatever. i have also done hating. and imma going to do things my own way. whatever.

anyways. The first part of project 'I' is to do daily exercise. As in DAILY. lol. i've been slacking and always tend to take a break for on or two days after i've done exercise. Planking, swimming, rope jumping, running, yoga. I should add more to the list!! Second, i'm investing another large sum to extend my facial treatment package. Imma lady! I should pamper and take care of my skin. I should also spend some to restock on my facial products.  Next is English. I need to read more to improve my English. Cashflow Quadrant is a nice book. Oh, and i have not spent my RM250 book vouchers. Fourth is changing my bad habits, like slouching, mumbling, candy crushing, and well, many other things. Last but not least, imma gonna take a month of cooking lessons!! from none other than the Shifu Auntie May i have right at home! this coming semester break? imma gonna be her cooking apprentice. FOR A MONTH. lol.

yep, right now, facial, health, food and skills are the most important investments i have to make. Right. Now.

gone past that

gone past that. not complaining. not sulking. not looking back.

time to buck up and move forward. FORWARDDD. presentation. report. speak clear and concise. read. stand straight. sit up straight. laugh. enjoy. exercise. be happy. be awesome. fit and awesome =x 

imma pro at what i do. i'm pretty smart.  i have a life time to fix on what i'm lacking of. i have tonnes to learn. learn. 

gone past that. ciao.

Internship #throwback

Gosh i found this in my drafts and wonder why I didn't post it up? Its pretty informative and intersting. so well, posting it now wouldn't be too late ^^

P/s: this is actually written some time during December 2013.

Few things about my internship:

1. I need not join internship this semester, since I haven't completed my 3rd year. this internship is completely vonluntery and I only joined since I've known my mentor from the elp.

2. ServerPark is an IT company. monash ecse course has nothing to do with IT. I thought I should train up my programming by joining an internship in my weakest field.

3. I am fully aware of how difficult it is. I thought I should train myself and add value to my future career.

BUT. the workload I have is OVERWHELMING. OVER. WHELMING. Two weeks has passed. and it felt like a second. omg I'm so busy everyday I barely feel time passed. Work pile after work pile after work there's no end to it at all. No end until another 10 weeks anyways. Ya, I definitely feel like I have put myself in a lot of trouble, when I could have just enjoy a three month long summer holidays!! And the pay is hardly enough to cover petrol and lunch. And my mentor just congratulate me for handling four person's workload at one time -.-

Yep, the research and work I did are definitely interesting and challenging. but it would be so much easier if I am a little better at computing @@ Gosh, sometimes I feel like a dumb! And of course a little extra guideline will be helpful. and maybe looser datelines? what use is it when your mentor tells you that you can go home and drop by at office WHENEVER YOU LIKE, when he gives you one week's worth workload in one day!!! I go to work everyday from 8 to 5. that's how useful it is.

One consolation prize. the office is freaking beautiful!! it's one of YTL's project. and I have certainly never seen a GREENER building than this one in Malaysia. Seriously, this kinda building is exactly the reason I love architecture.

Anyways, here are some pictures taken at the office building. I almost love everything about it, except its location. it's at Sentul, which is somewhere near KTM terminal and KLpac already wtf.

I love the irregular window panels. And the wooden floorings. And the greeneries on the ground and on the wall. 

And the pond with sparkling, rippling clear water with pretty smooths stones in it. 

And the cosy sitting spot right in the middle of the greeneries and the pond. I could see foreign office ladies having picnic there every day!! I wanna try that too!

And it's quite close to publika. anyone nearby can swing by to pick me up and grab a lunch together?^^

Ya, so amid the stressful workload, a trip to the toilet is the only refreshing moment, where I could enjoy a little bit of pretty scenaries, or stalk whoever is coming up the transparent elevator. heh. otherwise, I'm probably stuck in the office for the rest of the holidays.

but, hey! I'm 21 going to be 22. time to take on some serious responsibility, no? and, this anti social thing is getting more serious in every passing second. thanks to having to face the computer all the time. gahhh I'm a hopeless nerd.

colours

Lately, a little more colours are coming back into my life. good thing, really. and about time. I've been in this sorta-depression for a few months until very recently.

So, what changes, recently? a few outings. yep, one outing won't do the job. Few of them will. Met up with some precious people in life. Had some deep conversations and fun times. Its nice to notice that they truly care about me. I can see, hear and feel the warmth in my heart. And hey, my instagram came back to life. that makes me happy too i guess ^^

On a side note, its getting tougher to organize a proper dinner event with the group. Makes me wonder if we are diverging even more. Also, i should tune down my temper. Little things are getting on my nerves and i am just so mad with so many people. But no, i'm not the raging kinda person, more of the sulking type, maybe. Anyhow, its bad for me and my skin and my health. Should have better anger management.

Anyhow, i'm treating each gathering like a final last one. People just fly all over the world or just diverge to opposite poles its so hard to get the same group of people back together. So, ya, treat the gatherings like its the last one we'll ever have and treasure the moments, especially with the group of friends i really enjoy spending time with.

Time. which brings me to another point. Procrastination is getting out of hand. Seems like I am still behind time this semester even though i have no tuition classes to teach during the weekdays. At least i'm not tired all the time, but i think i chill too much. which makes me guilty since i actually have tonnes of work to do, if you read the previous post.

so okay, i shall stop procrastinating!

awesome

do you know what would be awesome?

figure skating is awesome. twirling on ice. full of grace and elegance. pretty sparkling dress. twirling and twirling and the whole world watches you in awe.

and ballet dancing. flexibility. again full of grace and elegance. dancing to beautiful contemporary music. having full control of your body. and always looking so pretty.

and of course learning magic in Hogwarts is awesome. being good at social with new people is awesome. being good at public speaking is awesome. being good at kung fu and muay thai is awesome. being good t sports.

and of course, all the things above are things which i cannot do in life. so far. for some reason, i have very serious hands legs dis-coordination, and i should already compliment myself for being able to walk in a straight line. i simply CANNOT dance. i've tried. i can't. i have no sense of rhythm, and i lose balance when one of my feet is off the ground.

the funny thing was, i actually did tried ballet when i was a kid. but i hated it so much, i cried at every lesson. the teacher used to force me to stretch and stretch my legs it hurts so much. And now how i wished that i had endured the pain and completed my ballet lessons to be able to do those awesome poses.

Social. its weird, as its stated in my horoscope that Pieces should be good at social with people. But i'm more of an antisocial than the opposite. I can social, but i have to FORCE myself to. Which i would feel awkward, nervous, stressful, and frustrated. Very very rare, will there be an occasion where i could enjoy socialing with others.

and so the path towards awesomeness? if only i could turn time around, i will accomplish each and every one of the things stated above. but now? it not too late. no. but its a bit tougher. there's too many complicated and half useless stuff that gets in the way. but yes, now i could substitute ballet dancing and figure skating with yoga (if only i could touch my toes without bending my knees!).

and the public speaking thingy. sigh. guess it'll take much longer to train to be a natural speaker (if only i could do that when i'm young and i don't have to face this difficulty whatsoever). and guess what? i have an upcoming presentation which worth TWENTY FREAKING PERCENT of the unit. this is it. my best presentation. it MUST be the best, and no less. there, a good start, right?

and if someone asks me: what's my childhood dream? figure skating.

stand up and face the world

okay. i'm ashamed of myself. dwell too much into the unnecessary stuff. procrastination. inactivity. being moody. so action starts today!

anyways. HIMYM is over. OVERRRRRR. my favourite american comedy drama series is finished. nine seasons. watched it all. and no more to look forward to!!! lets mourn for a sec. Also, i have finish watching "you who came from the star". Also another loss. its just too long since they have a decent korean drama worth watching. and running man! i've watched all the episodes. and can only wait miserably for a new one to be released every other week. and last but not least, CANDY CRUSH. i've completed all the levels available as well -.- what am I gonna do when i'm drowsing off in the classroom from now eh? (guess i can achieve 3 stars for all? =x)

There it is. All my favourite things. all gone at once. zzz and the new ones just ain't as good as the usual old ones. i have no more hobbies. guess now is the best time to start sth new eh??

there's one good progress though. i' ve started doing exercise heh. on a daily basis. for like half an hour each day. and since i have written down this in black and white, i'll just have to keep by this new healthy habit on a long term basis.

other things i ought to do? read tweets. and whatsapp. and instagram. or i'll just disappear from my friends' lives. then, there's the art thing. stopping completely is a waste of my talent. heh. yep i have a lil bit of talent in arts and i should put them to good use. and there's the IEM thingy. imma event manager muahahaha i should make good use to that. and i should learn cooking. its like another form of art and i would be good at it with just lil practice right? and i should practice my english consciously. speaking and writing. its degrading, very badly.

and and i think i have improved in programming. and and i think i should slowly figure out my future. and and i should plan a trip. with whoever. i'm losing out a bit too much lately. and and i should love more. okay. nth much to do with the title. but. its good advice for myself for now.

and and and and. give more.

til then. ciao

Screw it

Hi all. No i'm not all emo and depressed again. As long as i'm busy, i'm okay. But, there's still part of me that is feeling all demotivated and restless. Gah. how should i deal with it how??

The thing is. i'm dealing with a lot of stuff which i'm not good at at this point of time. Inferiority, frustration, restlessness. Patience, i tell myself over and over again. Give time time. Baby step. Continue dealing with it and it'll get better. It WILL get better.

And so. kinda low in morality now. and so. i think if i should screw it for awhile and do some of my favourite distractions. Like read Harry Potter again, for the umpteenth time. or read some manga. or draw some random shit. or even just follow a really really nice drama (any recommendations?).

and even the freaking air is smelly. i want to take a deep breath and calm down. and all i get is the smell of the stupid haze which makes my throat sore and makes me want to choke!

zzz. suffocating! life. is. suffocating. sometimes. just like the haze.

Before and After Internship

As you guys might always caught me blabbering about my summer internship, it is an internship like no other. So, before and after the internship, what differences have it made to me?

Let's talk about the basics first. After the internship, i could type faster, my writing skills is slightly better (i guess?), my Google skills went from noob to superb (seriously!), a whole lot of knowledge about IT and i've definitely know a lot more about the working world.

My perspective towards engineering after internship? Down the drain! Sigh. No wonder, for years and years i heard friends and relatives from here and there divert from the path of engineering after they got their degree. No wonder, even my previous boss from TTC, tried hard (but failed) to stop me from studying engineering that time. He even proposed that I study Finance. Now i see why. We are all gonna be bankers anyways!

Lol. Of course i would not make my conclusion so fast. But its like comprehension has finally dawned upon me. And I finally get to understand why people say those things about engineering. Nevertheless, when all has become null, I'm still thankful that Engineering taught me how to be resourceful, how to work under stress, and how to be an efficient worker. But, what would be my path down the road? No idea.

One and a half more years to go. time is flying fast! hwaiting!

写

最近没有写字了？忙只是借口。逃避才是真的。

写！写下来。一定要写下来。再不发泄，我真的会变忧郁了。就算一切化为无的时候，只要写下来，头脑才可以清醒。写下来，就是勇于面对自己的情绪。写了下来，才能继续前进。写下来，认清自己，认真的认识自己。然后，心里自然会有答案。

写给谁看都好，写。