today is a bad day. but the tears have to flow so oh well. but this would be a positive post. i've already posted the super emo one elsewhere where no one would ever read and i would delete it one very fine day.
few days later imma gonna be freaking twenty!!! NO!!!! i'm still shoooo far from BEING twenty. i still have not left my teens rebellious stage!! GAHHH.
so due to such events, this resolution would be totally random and unprepared yet necessary. haih. so, here goes.
what the hell i'm doing? i need to read more. like a lot. of everything.
what happened to my 'improve-my-redness' plan? if it goes on like this i'll just join toast masters and close case. no more screwing up presentations!! pffft.
and i need to be more focused and aware to the surrounding. no more disappearing from fb and the outside world.
and i need to work on my FACADE.
and i need to get more involved in stuff and seriously open up.
and i have to have fun. k?no more serious, no fun life.
and i need to just relax. stop being so tense and nervous!!
and i need to act like twenty. one way or another.
argh. this is gonna have to work. its uni life man!! last days of being irresponsible and naive and to grow up and to explore.
i'm really desperate. is being twenty so stressful? lol.
okay. i'll stop freaking out here.
just..happy new year to myself!! i meant every single word. HAPPY. NEW. YEAR.
and happy new year to all of you too =D
til then.
chaoz~
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
don't wanna grow up
its December. The year is ending, so is my teens.
its my last year of teens. From next year on, I'll be in my twenties. another decade of my life is coming to an end.
allow me a short moment of wanting to freeze time. allow me to stay as a teen for a little longer. allow me a short moment to be irresponsible and childish and free. for this moment, i would like to express as i feel and as i wish. for this moment, i would like to laugh and cry and shout and sleep as i please. for this moment, i would like to make a face to whoever who displeases me. for this moment, i would like to jump and laugh as ridiculous as i could be. for this moment, i would not have to shove smiles and pleasantries to just any people. for this moment, i would not have to think and think and think again of each action I've already made, I 'm making, and that i have to make. for this moment, i would not have to go through pros and cons before reaching a decision. for this moment, doing something is just for wanting to do it. for this moment, façade is just a six letter word which has no meaning and holds no importance. for this moment, i would be totally free.
though even in my teens, totally free does not always happen. now leaving my teens, freedom holds even less importance. there's CONSEQUENCES. and it would not be SMART enough to just do what i feel. its expected to have RESPONSIBILITY on actions made. we have to WEIGH what to do and what not to do. we have to THINK. we have to KNOW. we have to DO WHAT'S BEST.
just for a moment, allow me to not grow up, to stay as reckless, as ridiculous, as tooopid, as emotional, and as HONEST as a teen. let me go back to the days where my brain wasn't as awake as now, where peace could be easily find, where now it automatically analyses each tiny little thing it encounters.
let me go back to the days where bunch of old friends meet every single day, where we have not been scattered around the world, and have not settled and move on with our seperate paths. where the things we shared are not just sweet memories.
let me go back to the days where bunch of old friends meet every single day, where we have not been scattered around the world, and have not settled and move on with our seperate paths. where the things we shared are not just sweet memories.
my teens is nearly over. Its the purest, liveliest, fullest, youngest, most honest days of my life. though mistakes made, and some regrets remain, I would cherish it forever.
here ends my farewell speech to my teens. now the moment is over, here i am again, heading towards reality, forever going forward. go twenties!!
here ends my farewell speech to my teens. now the moment is over, here i am again, heading towards reality, forever going forward. go twenties!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
old pals
There was a time when
we shared a blog, shared a diary. That time, daily meetings were not enough.
There were classes that separated us, assemblies where we were not allowed to
talk, and short recess time that was not enough for us to mingle and to share
secrets and stories of our daily lives. Thus, we passed around diaries, we
started a blog. Just to shared our stories, our feeling, our secrets.Both did not last very long, but there was it, a time when we
felt we need to share more of our lives with each other. Yep, and that “we” was
the girls in our beloved zoo gang. =D
Oh. The guys were cool
too. Though we did not share a blog or something, our friendship lasted.
Its actually a really
amazing gang of friends. We were just classmates here and then, we didn’t
really had much in common, didn’t actually shared any experience together
outside the classroom, joined different activities and tuition, yet, somehow
our friendship was strong. Til now, we met up at least once each year without
fail. Its very cool. =D
As we grow up, we went
our separate ways. My friends have scattered all around the world. We don’t
even contact each other that often. Our blog is long dead. Our characters have
grown even more different. Yet, each time we meet up, the warmth is still
there. We had watched each other grew up and changed over the years, the
familiarity, the history we shared, its not something everyone had the
opportunity to have. From mouths of another friend, from internet social media,
from occasional chatting, a seemly insignificant news of each friend is a
bless, a warmth, a love.
University life is so
busy. We don’t see each other often, sometimes not at all. There’s also
different time zone, different university, continent even. More of the times,
we got drifted along with the busy schedules and the new lives we’re having,
thoughts of old friends got pushed aside to the back of the mind, forgotten.
Aiks. Its only at times like this, having all the time of the world to spare,
that these thoughts emerge again, and I miss them ever so badly.
Hrm. This year is an
eventful one, with two very important exams. Regrettably, with much
distractions (mainly iPad) and studies, I’ve neglected contacting old friends
even so badly. Distracted, forgetful and busy, I’ve forgotten to wish many of
my friends happy birthday. I’m really Really REALLY SORRY!! Shit. I don’t
remember many of the dates and I don’t go face book that often to check with
the dates. Those that I wished were birthdays either fall on the day when I so
incidentally surf on the facebook, or when I came across the date of the day
that it some how rang a bell so I went to check. Little I remembered. Really
bad with dates. GAAHHH.
I owed so many friends
birthday presents (SHIT!!). and worse still, I still have no idea what I’m
gonna make this year. Every year without fail, i'll make some hand craft stuff for my friends. pom poms, little dolls, wooden book mark, drawings, name stickers, cards..i don't really buy presents, i feel making the things itself hold more meaning. but this year, i have not started any, and i'm stuck!!! no inspiration!no ideas!!shit. and the year is gonna be over soon already.
arrr. i wanna make something. hmm. 3 months. i'll come out with something.
and yea!!i got more books to read. cheers =D
til then.
chaoz~
til then.
chaoz~
Monday, November 14, 2011
3 months.
one semester is over already. so fast. but, looking back, this year is daaaaaamn long. imagine that i have gone through tooopid a level days at sucky inti, sat for A2 exam, got my results, enjoyed the holidays after a levels, started off uni, and now a whole semester has ended. yet, this year has not ended. Another 3 long months of summer break has began. =D
this year is so long, but it went by real fast no matter how i look at it. i've seen many people come and go in this one year. I've known many new friends in this one year. new friends. its like i never get to know them fast enough. each and every has so much history, so much in behind that i have yet to see. each character i could not grasp fast enough, that i could not truly understand. new people, not to mention weirdos, i've also met. and now i know i myself might even fall into that category @.@ new people, so different, so unique, yet so familiar.
One eighth of my university life is over. another step closer to the real world. where i've already have a glimpse of the real world in uni. damn scary. that's all i can say. things are more complicated than it should be. things are ever changing that its too fast for me to react to.
this one year, there are many flaws and errors that i've made in dealing with stuffs. sometimes i feel like a fool. sometimes i feel like a pabo, baka, toooopid. i'm fooled, provoked, used, and cheated. happened before. and yet again and again it happens. have to learn to deal with stuff SMARTLY. ergh.
These 3 months, would be enough to digest everything i've gone through in this one year, i think. would be enough for me to pave the path which i will choose to walk, for me to learn something extra which i want to and need to.
These 3 months, no plan will be my plan. so i could be available everyday. open to all events and people and gatherings and knowledge and all sort of stuff.
These 3 months, i will work on meeting up with people, bonding with people, LOTS and LOTS of exercise, shopping, reading up all sort of stuffs, cooking sewing drawing crafting, and watch movies and dramas.
i could foresee a day where i would give up blogging all together. its hard to keep stuff to myself and to not lie in my blog at the same time. its even harder to not reveal too much and to clear up my mind at the same time. one day i would need to deal with all my thoughts by myself, no more by blogging.
til then,
chaoz~
this year is so long, but it went by real fast no matter how i look at it. i've seen many people come and go in this one year. I've known many new friends in this one year. new friends. its like i never get to know them fast enough. each and every has so much history, so much in behind that i have yet to see. each character i could not grasp fast enough, that i could not truly understand. new people, not to mention weirdos, i've also met. and now i know i myself might even fall into that category @.@ new people, so different, so unique, yet so familiar.
One eighth of my university life is over. another step closer to the real world. where i've already have a glimpse of the real world in uni. damn scary. that's all i can say. things are more complicated than it should be. things are ever changing that its too fast for me to react to.
this one year, there are many flaws and errors that i've made in dealing with stuffs. sometimes i feel like a fool. sometimes i feel like a pabo, baka, toooopid. i'm fooled, provoked, used, and cheated. happened before. and yet again and again it happens. have to learn to deal with stuff SMARTLY. ergh.
These 3 months, would be enough to digest everything i've gone through in this one year, i think. would be enough for me to pave the path which i will choose to walk, for me to learn something extra which i want to and need to.
These 3 months, no plan will be my plan. so i could be available everyday. open to all events and people and gatherings and knowledge and all sort of stuff.
These 3 months, i will work on meeting up with people, bonding with people, LOTS and LOTS of exercise, shopping, reading up all sort of stuffs, cooking sewing drawing crafting, and watch movies and dramas.
i could foresee a day where i would give up blogging all together. its hard to keep stuff to myself and to not lie in my blog at the same time. its even harder to not reveal too much and to clear up my mind at the same time. one day i would need to deal with all my thoughts by myself, no more by blogging.
til then,
chaoz~
Thursday, October 27, 2011
世事难料
yeap. a chinese post. had the inspiration to blog in chinese after reading few of my friends' blog. call me copy cat =p . haha. but i doubt it'll be any good. my chinese writing skills is so rusty these days. hardly even read chinese paper. imma mango-banana cross breed now =D
so. 世事难料。seriously. things are ever changing. why do i suddenly think of such sentimental stuff? its because of yesterday, when i visited my neighbour at her place for deepavali celebration, which caused my tummy to suffer due to too much curry consumption. anyways, back to topic. i was sitting in the living room, looking at the furniture, seeming oddly familiar... then, i remembered. its the same house where i used to play and spent time for many many of my primary school days. its the house of my old best friend, before she moved out, and went to a different school, and eventually lost contact all together except on facebook and twitter. i use the term 'oddly' familiar is because, the decorations in the same house are replaced by artistic and traditional indianish stuff. ya. that's why it took me some time to registered that it was the very same place. the place where i go to celebrate deepavali in recent years is actually the same one i used to go to celebrate Christmas long ago.
things have changed so much since then. my character. my circle of friends. my life. and more on my character. it took me back to many 'once upon a time', this one trip. it was a time when things are simple. when places don't have meaning of its own. when words only sound like words. when photos only look like pretty colours. there were no hidden meanings. no secret feelings. no memories were dragging us from behind. there was no unknown of the future to fear of. no trains of thoughts that link one thing to another, taking me to far far away from the now. once upon a time, everything that happened, was just the present.
it could seemed impossible, how the person i once was, could be the person i now am. yet, looking back, every step i took, every choice i made, have indeed lead me here. its like...fate. i could see the logic behind it, understand the becoming of it, analyse the factors that influence it, regret it, cherish it, but, i could still not see the person i yet to become. ya. still lost indeed.
世事难料、 人类善变， 让我想到很多事是不长久的。一个感觉，不管是多么多么的强烈，在时间的催促下，也可能只是一阵过云雨罢了。靠感觉、凭直觉，也是当时，一刹那间的错觉。时间一长，再真实的感觉也可能是假的。或许当时真的是真感情，可观念一改变，什么都过去了。
上了人生另一个阶段，新人物走进了我的世界。进入了大人的世界，危机重重、四处阴险。我不是遇上了什么坏人，而是看见了人类的现实、人类的自我、人类之古灵精怪。世界上什么种的人都有，这句话一点也不假。
面对新朋友、新同学，不再像以前那样坦诚、那样痛快。凡话要说先经大脑，凡决定要经三思，凡人不可全信，凡事都有了界限。人变聪敏了，可更复杂了。
面对新的世界，恐惧是有的。不打开心来，却感觉不到人间美丽又感动的一面。这么矛盾又困难的人间，到底要如何走下去？
对我而言，十九年，烦恼年。对错、真假、友敌、是非、上下、左右，再也不能一一分清了。
现在，只能做好自己，更爱自己，相信明天。
chaoz~
so. 世事难料。seriously. things are ever changing. why do i suddenly think of such sentimental stuff? its because of yesterday, when i visited my neighbour at her place for deepavali celebration, which caused my tummy to suffer due to too much curry consumption. anyways, back to topic. i was sitting in the living room, looking at the furniture, seeming oddly familiar... then, i remembered. its the same house where i used to play and spent time for many many of my primary school days. its the house of my old best friend, before she moved out, and went to a different school, and eventually lost contact all together except on facebook and twitter. i use the term 'oddly' familiar is because, the decorations in the same house are replaced by artistic and traditional indianish stuff. ya. that's why it took me some time to registered that it was the very same place. the place where i go to celebrate deepavali in recent years is actually the same one i used to go to celebrate Christmas long ago.
things have changed so much since then. my character. my circle of friends. my life. and more on my character. it took me back to many 'once upon a time', this one trip. it was a time when things are simple. when places don't have meaning of its own. when words only sound like words. when photos only look like pretty colours. there were no hidden meanings. no secret feelings. no memories were dragging us from behind. there was no unknown of the future to fear of. no trains of thoughts that link one thing to another, taking me to far far away from the now. once upon a time, everything that happened, was just the present.
it could seemed impossible, how the person i once was, could be the person i now am. yet, looking back, every step i took, every choice i made, have indeed lead me here. its like...fate. i could see the logic behind it, understand the becoming of it, analyse the factors that influence it, regret it, cherish it, but, i could still not see the person i yet to become. ya. still lost indeed.
世事难料、 人类善变， 让我想到很多事是不长久的。一个感觉，不管是多么多么的强烈，在时间的催促下，也可能只是一阵过云雨罢了。靠感觉、凭直觉，也是当时，一刹那间的错觉。时间一长，再真实的感觉也可能是假的。或许当时真的是真感情，可观念一改变，什么都过去了。
上了人生另一个阶段，新人物走进了我的世界。进入了大人的世界，危机重重、四处阴险。我不是遇上了什么坏人，而是看见了人类的现实、人类的自我、人类之古灵精怪。世界上什么种的人都有，这句话一点也不假。
面对新朋友、新同学，不再像以前那样坦诚、那样痛快。凡话要说先经大脑，凡决定要经三思，凡人不可全信，凡事都有了界限。人变聪敏了，可更复杂了。
面对新的世界，恐惧是有的。不打开心来，却感觉不到人间美丽又感动的一面。这么矛盾又困难的人间，到底要如何走下去？
对我而言，十九年，烦恼年。对错、真假、友敌、是非、上下、左右，再也不能一一分清了。
现在，只能做好自己，更爱自己，相信明天。
chaoz~
Sunday, September 25, 2011
mango vs banana
when a mango talks to bananas, there will always have some misunderstanding.
here's an example of a conversation between a mango and bananas. EPIC!!
me: (trying to write presentation script) ehh, how to say 方便 in english ar??
banana 1: fang bian? room.
banana 2: behind.
*pause*
me: HUH???
banana 1: room la. room is...oh ya. room is fang2 jian1 horh?
me: huh???房间? i say 方便 larhh. then why is it 'behind'??
banana 2: erm. fang bian ma. behind lo.
me: errrr. behind is 后面la
banana 2: oh ya horh!!sounds the same.
banana 1: (still trying to help) i know! fang bian is put aside.
me: what?????
banana 1: (reconsidering answer) fang bian fang bian...oh ya, that is fang4 yi4 bian1 horh??
me: 放一边??
me: (gave up, ask third party)what is 方便??
ch: convenient la..
banana 1 and 2 : oh ya horhhhh.......
conclusion: bananas aren't the best dictionary for a mango =D
here's an example of a conversation between a mango and bananas. EPIC!!
me: (trying to write presentation script) ehh, how to say 方便 in english ar??
banana 1: fang bian? room.
banana 2: behind.
*pause*
me: HUH???
banana 1: room la. room is...oh ya. room is fang2 jian1 horh?
me: huh???房间? i say 方便 larhh. then why is it 'behind'??
banana 2: erm. fang bian ma. behind lo.
me: errrr. behind is 后面la
banana 2: oh ya horh!!sounds the same.
banana 1: (still trying to help) i know! fang bian is put aside.
me: what?????
banana 1: (reconsidering answer) fang bian fang bian...oh ya, that is fang4 yi4 bian1 horh??
me: 放一边??
me: (gave up, ask third party)what is 方便??
ch: convenient la..
banana 1 and 2 : oh ya horhhhh.......
conclusion: bananas aren't the best dictionary for a mango =D
mango
i have an inspiration, indeed. after weeks racking my brain on how should i include secret codes, or how should i put the 'do not read aloud' sign in my blog post, just so my blog can be a little more private, the OBVIOUS solution came to me today. how have i not thought about it earlier??? the solution is..... type in CHINESE!! wahaha. simple yet perfect. more than half on my uni friends can't read or write Chinese, this would work well. imma genius. =D
but. I'm not that bad la. and I'm more comfortable typing in English. I'll just put in few sentences in Chinese.lol.
ya. mango. a term my friends came out with, which more or less summarise who and how i am. lol. I've spend years writing and blogging about how typical Chinese educated i am, how Chinese i act, how Chinese i live, and never encounter one simple term that summarise it all. MANGO. so lame yet so true. i'm proud and at the same time frustrated to be such a mango. typical mango quality: hardworking, self-motivated, responsible, closed minded?, traditional, kia su, honest...i dunno, there's pros and cons. all i know is, to be an engineer, a mango certainly couldn't work, at least its not enough to excel la. and i don't even know if i want to excel or not. oops.
何去何从??? once again, i'm lost. now that i'm living again, i'm encountering countless, different, unique human characters every single day. some which i can never understand, some i don't like, and some that i've hoped for all my life that i would have. lol. at this age, pre-adult age, trying to change and grow and go for the better. but, at the same time, everything is contradicting each other. my values and others, others values and my family's. its not like i have a sensei to ask for answers everytime this happens. its always me myself trying to figure out, stuck in between, and finally let it pass as if its nothing. there's always too many limitations. sometimes, i really really want to delete my whole personality, CHOOSE the character i want, and reset the whole thing all over again.
but then, here i am, still. slightly retarded, always too revealing, and easily scammed. lol. the best prey for everyone. haih. FACADE. how long have i been working on it? ever since i've encountered this term. damn phhhaaaaiil...
hmmm. but at least, as a mango, i'll always have the heart to continue to work for what i want. to have faith. to never give up. to believe.
when everything suddenly slows down, thoughts from nowhere came crashing into my mind. blog is where i unbottle it, arrange and reorganize it, so it'll be empty again to do other stuff.
far future always gives me the creeps. while near future always keep me busy from thinking about it.
step by step. one step at a time. taking baby steps. that's what i'll do for now =]
til then.
chaoz~
but. I'm not that bad la. and I'm more comfortable typing in English. I'll just put in few sentences in Chinese.lol.
ya. mango. a term my friends came out with, which more or less summarise who and how i am. lol. I've spend years writing and blogging about how typical Chinese educated i am, how Chinese i act, how Chinese i live, and never encounter one simple term that summarise it all. MANGO. so lame yet so true. i'm proud and at the same time frustrated to be such a mango. typical mango quality: hardworking, self-motivated, responsible, closed minded?, traditional, kia su, honest...i dunno, there's pros and cons. all i know is, to be an engineer, a mango certainly couldn't work, at least its not enough to excel la. and i don't even know if i want to excel or not. oops.
何去何从??? once again, i'm lost. now that i'm living again, i'm encountering countless, different, unique human characters every single day. some which i can never understand, some i don't like, and some that i've hoped for all my life that i would have. lol. at this age, pre-adult age, trying to change and grow and go for the better. but, at the same time, everything is contradicting each other. my values and others, others values and my family's. its not like i have a sensei to ask for answers everytime this happens. its always me myself trying to figure out, stuck in between, and finally let it pass as if its nothing. there's always too many limitations. sometimes, i really really want to delete my whole personality, CHOOSE the character i want, and reset the whole thing all over again.
but then, here i am, still. slightly retarded, always too revealing, and easily scammed. lol. the best prey for everyone. haih. FACADE. how long have i been working on it? ever since i've encountered this term. damn phhhaaaaiil...
hmmm. but at least, as a mango, i'll always have the heart to continue to work for what i want. to have faith. to never give up. to believe.
when everything suddenly slows down, thoughts from nowhere came crashing into my mind. blog is where i unbottle it, arrange and reorganize it, so it'll be empty again to do other stuff.
far future always gives me the creeps. while near future always keep me busy from thinking about it.
step by step. one step at a time. taking baby steps. that's what i'll do for now =]
til then.
chaoz~
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
If I Die Young Taiping
haha. what a title. so ya. if i die young. finally listened to this song. its a beautiful song, and sort-of-some-how-i-don't-really-know-why turned out as our 'group's ' song. haha. so its my favourite song for now, without the 'taiping', of course.
since i know my ADORABLE friends are reading this blog, i'll just as well post about them. =p
so, our little group. consist of people of all different kinds, but united in two different ways: to-be-engineers and bananas ( majority) . or maybe half bananas. lol. so interpreted by this manner, I've ended up as the precious mango species, being yellow at the outside and the inside. wahaha.
so, people in our group. lively as ever. especially the 2 scammers. one Abu Bakar from the forest and one lead singer from if-i-die-young-taiping-band. they are... PRO like hell. the two backgrounds i mentioned are those i've actually believe in for weeks. sadly. i don't even wanna believe a single word they'd say anymore. and the scamming habit is actually spreading among our group, which is bad. coz it means i have to improve my skills in detecting them.
anyways, our first trip together will be 'broga hill trip to taiping' this Friday. i have no idea why everything relates to taiping. lol. anyhow, it'll be exciting as we plan to climb the hill at dawn, in the dark. hrm. too bad, there's no rabbit sate for later (there's a rabbit farm which is rumored to sell rabbit sate where you can eat the sate and play with the rabbits at the same time some where near broga hill apparently).
ya. so life now is basically revolving around studying, assignments, and of course our fellow 'if i die young taiping' crew mates. not much, but I've haven't really started joining any activities in uni or anything, and have stopped teaching at ttc since uni started. pretty interesting already, though there's of course more time to spare. so, had came face to face with my biggest obstacle again. public speaking. haih. red. this is EXACTLY what i'm talking about. I'm so totally beaten and disheartened by it. if things don't get better, i'll surely get stressed out again. hrm. solution? toastmaster i think. as proposed by both my sis and Prof. Matthew. people like me really need it, i think. haih.
anyways, life's good. when i say its good, i mean, really awesome. =D seriously. everything is so great and fine and cool and happy. i feel like, I'm back in.... form 3 again. or form 4 and 5. those are the happy days of my high school life. I've finally start to open up again, i think.
hrm. looks like I've come from a long way since then. this year, 2011, seems like a very long year. its only September but i feel like its been for ages. mostly because it consists of 3 stages, from a levels, to long holidays, to my first semester of university. things have changed and progressed so much i couldn't really catch up to it. no matter, things have gone for the better, and things are going in my way for once =D.
owh. I'll not blog until mid term holidays. i can so foresee that already. given TONNES of assignments to complete by next Friday. not exaggerating either. I'm so so dead if i cant finish them on time.
hrm. life's busy. and full. good news for me. less time thinking, more time working. enjoying it =D
til then.
chaoz~
since i know my ADORABLE friends are reading this blog, i'll just as well post about them. =p
so, our little group. consist of people of all different kinds, but united in two different ways: to-be-engineers and bananas ( majority) . or maybe half bananas. lol. so interpreted by this manner, I've ended up as the precious mango species, being yellow at the outside and the inside. wahaha.
so, people in our group. lively as ever. especially the 2 scammers. one Abu Bakar from the forest and one lead singer from if-i-die-young-taiping-band. they are... PRO like hell. the two backgrounds i mentioned are those i've actually believe in for weeks. sadly. i don't even wanna believe a single word they'd say anymore. and the scamming habit is actually spreading among our group, which is bad. coz it means i have to improve my skills in detecting them.
anyways, our first trip together will be 'broga hill trip to taiping' this Friday. i have no idea why everything relates to taiping. lol. anyhow, it'll be exciting as we plan to climb the hill at dawn, in the dark. hrm. too bad, there's no rabbit sate for later (there's a rabbit farm which is rumored to sell rabbit sate where you can eat the sate and play with the rabbits at the same time some where near broga hill apparently).
ya. so life now is basically revolving around studying, assignments, and of course our fellow 'if i die young taiping' crew mates. not much, but I've haven't really started joining any activities in uni or anything, and have stopped teaching at ttc since uni started. pretty interesting already, though there's of course more time to spare. so, had came face to face with my biggest obstacle again. public speaking. haih. red. this is EXACTLY what i'm talking about. I'm so totally beaten and disheartened by it. if things don't get better, i'll surely get stressed out again. hrm. solution? toastmaster i think. as proposed by both my sis and Prof. Matthew. people like me really need it, i think. haih.
anyways, life's good. when i say its good, i mean, really awesome. =D seriously. everything is so great and fine and cool and happy. i feel like, I'm back in.... form 3 again. or form 4 and 5. those are the happy days of my high school life. I've finally start to open up again, i think.
hrm. looks like I've come from a long way since then. this year, 2011, seems like a very long year. its only September but i feel like its been for ages. mostly because it consists of 3 stages, from a levels, to long holidays, to my first semester of university. things have changed and progressed so much i couldn't really catch up to it. no matter, things have gone for the better, and things are going in my way for once =D.
owh. I'll not blog until mid term holidays. i can so foresee that already. given TONNES of assignments to complete by next Friday. not exaggerating either. I'm so so dead if i cant finish them on time.
hrm. life's busy. and full. good news for me. less time thinking, more time working. enjoying it =D
til then.
chaoz~
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sing A Happy Song =D
woohoo..recently life is in a happy tone..need to get used to all these great stuff, really. since when do i feel such happiness to just attend daily classes?? i actually go to uni for the purpose of meeting friends instead of just to study..this emphasize how really lifeless a levels is. i mean, its normal to feel happy going to school right? after all, school life is like one of the best moments in life. its NORMAL to feel good just going to classes. finally, i feel like i'm back to my high school self, my normal self.. its weird how much disconnected i feel after only one and a half years of shittiness to be back to old self. well, life in monash is awesome anyways, so i'll get used to all the great stuff soon enough. =D
and ya. my BELOVED uni friends found out about this blog. screw Google =.= argh. this means, i can't be THAT frank in blog any more. how embarrassing it is for them to find out about 'banana-cified'. LOL. haha. but seriously, how much can i hide from the way i blog??hrm.. a challenge then. maybe i should try secret codes or something..wahaha.
okay. back to topic. life is awesome yet apparently not all people in monash are adorable like my friends. haha. i meant, they are really some JERKS in monash!!referring to the B people again. hmph!! how much trouble they've caused me!!those thick-faced-yet-tin-kosong BASTARDS!!! omg. can't believe people like them do exist man..how can they live to themselves??argh. no more elaboration here or it'll spoil my blogging mojo.
anyways, my iPad is seriously causing a problem these days. it distracts not only me, but my fellow friends too!! soooo many people are blaming me for it.. argh well. can't blame them for that coz i myself is infected by the 'iPad virus' too. hmph. seriously, strict self discipline is needed for owning an iPad as awesome as mine. hee.
oh. and the so-called-fun-building-a-hospital-project i mentioned last post??turn out to be nothing but useless and stressful work!!argh. now i soooo HATE engineering profession. there's endless assignments. literally ENDLESS. not to mention damn annoying, with all the very close datelines and many stupid criteria to follow while doing the assignment. ishh,,
so, uni life. LOVE IT. despite the annoying people and subject. wahaha. but things are gonna start to get busy and even stressful. there's datelines to be meet, all sorts of tests, quizzes, assignments and self-revision to be done. and i can say the same for all my friends in my batch. almost everyone had started uni by now, be it here or overseas, all working hard to prepare for the future..its like WOW. finally we're going out there too.. i wonder what it will be like when all of us start to work, get married, have a family, grow old and all. it'll be like a sight of no other. a cycle that has repeated itself over a zillion times yet still a miracle..touching right?haha. i don't know. its just like friends are now scattered all over the place but i know we're bound to bump into each other again one fine day =D
anyways, the inspiration of the post title this time comes from the 'smurf' movie. haha. cute yet meaningful i think. its a nice movie =D
i've noticed that i've go more for =D than =] this days.. haha..means my smile is getting bigger!!maybe i'll need even bigger smile like XD or XXD for the future days. hee =D
til then.
chaoz~
and ya. my BELOVED uni friends found out about this blog. screw Google =.= argh. this means, i can't be THAT frank in blog any more. how embarrassing it is for them to find out about 'banana-cified'. LOL. haha. but seriously, how much can i hide from the way i blog??hrm.. a challenge then. maybe i should try secret codes or something..wahaha.
okay. back to topic. life is awesome yet apparently not all people in monash are adorable like my friends. haha. i meant, they are really some JERKS in monash!!referring to the B people again. hmph!! how much trouble they've caused me!!those thick-faced-yet-tin-kosong BASTARDS!!! omg. can't believe people like them do exist man..how can they live to themselves??argh. no more elaboration here or it'll spoil my blogging mojo.
anyways, my iPad is seriously causing a problem these days. it distracts not only me, but my fellow friends too!! soooo many people are blaming me for it.. argh well. can't blame them for that coz i myself is infected by the 'iPad virus' too. hmph. seriously, strict self discipline is needed for owning an iPad as awesome as mine. hee.
oh. and the so-called-fun-building-a-hospital-project i mentioned last post??turn out to be nothing but useless and stressful work!!argh. now i soooo HATE engineering profession. there's endless assignments. literally ENDLESS. not to mention damn annoying, with all the very close datelines and many stupid criteria to follow while doing the assignment. ishh,,
so, uni life. LOVE IT. despite the annoying people and subject. wahaha. but things are gonna start to get busy and even stressful. there's datelines to be meet, all sorts of tests, quizzes, assignments and self-revision to be done. and i can say the same for all my friends in my batch. almost everyone had started uni by now, be it here or overseas, all working hard to prepare for the future..its like WOW. finally we're going out there too.. i wonder what it will be like when all of us start to work, get married, have a family, grow old and all. it'll be like a sight of no other. a cycle that has repeated itself over a zillion times yet still a miracle..touching right?haha. i don't know. its just like friends are now scattered all over the place but i know we're bound to bump into each other again one fine day =D
anyways, the inspiration of the post title this time comes from the 'smurf' movie. haha. cute yet meaningful i think. its a nice movie =D
i've noticed that i've go more for =D than =] this days.. haha..means my smile is getting bigger!!maybe i'll need even bigger smile like XD or XXD for the future days. hee =D
til then.
chaoz~
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
banana-cified
oh yeah~~enjoying life now..i'm a university student man~ call me mahasiswi!!pro lerh..haha..anyway, after 3 weeks plus, FINALLY got into the mood, i'm enjoying lessons, break time, hanging around doing nothing and doing endless assignments and quizs and tests. seriously, they come one after another..no end to it until the semester ends i guess.
anyway, i've met some cool friends!! we have like formed some sort of gang now..haha..i finally have sit-at-the-back-of-lecture-hall-girl-friends now!!so cool!!and some pretty nice guy friends too. BUT. they all don't speak Mandarin. oops. so for me its like bye bye to Chinese speaking, and welcome banana world. haha. i'm turning into a banana now!! its kinda a challenge for me. my English is not THAT fluent. once they started to talk fast, i'm like lost for a while and become quiet. haha.. its some good training for me though.
monash engineering course is seriously like a banana land. haha. i HARDLY find any mandarin speaking people. in my batch i mean. i've met quite a few from semester 2 seniors in PSA classes. they're very nice too =D but in my batch, seriously. out of like 200 students, only 20 sth or so are girls, half of them are international students, half of the half are bananas. so the rest..hmm..u can count larh.. but even so, banana land is not bad at all either..i enjoy the conversations more than ever.. haha..their way of speaking and expressing with slangs and metaphors often awe me. lol. pai seh acting jakun here. after all, i'm the most chinese chinese you can find..so falling into banana land is like getting into wonderland!! haha..a little exaggeration here.
and. there's this thing. engineering is seriously a very GUYISH course. so technical and scientific and all. so for girls, think very very seriously before going for engineering course. if you hate the subjects,you'll hate whatever there is in engineering. and oyou can't survive in this manly guyish course. haha..hopefully i'll stay girly enough though. LOL.
yep. life's good. ipad's good =D . hopefully all friends and people are doing well too all over the world, where ever you are. take care, people. and friends, let's meet in... banana land???haha!
til then. chaoz~
anyway, i've met some cool friends!! we have like formed some sort of gang now..haha..i finally have sit-at-the-back-of-lecture-hall-girl-friends now!!so cool!!and some pretty nice guy friends too. BUT. they all don't speak Mandarin. oops. so for me its like bye bye to Chinese speaking, and welcome banana world. haha. i'm turning into a banana now!! its kinda a challenge for me. my English is not THAT fluent. once they started to talk fast, i'm like lost for a while and become quiet. haha.. its some good training for me though.
monash engineering course is seriously like a banana land. haha. i HARDLY find any mandarin speaking people. in my batch i mean. i've met quite a few from semester 2 seniors in PSA classes. they're very nice too =D but in my batch, seriously. out of like 200 students, only 20 sth or so are girls, half of them are international students, half of the half are bananas. so the rest..hmm..u can count larh.. but even so, banana land is not bad at all either..i enjoy the conversations more than ever.. haha..their way of speaking and expressing with slangs and metaphors often awe me. lol. pai seh acting jakun here. after all, i'm the most chinese chinese you can find..so falling into banana land is like getting into wonderland!! haha..a little exaggeration here.
and. there's this thing. engineering is seriously a very GUYISH course. so technical and scientific and all. so for girls, think very very seriously before going for engineering course. if you hate the subjects,you'll hate whatever there is in engineering. and oyou can't survive in this manly guyish course. haha..hopefully i'll stay girly enough though. LOL.
yep. life's good. ipad's good =D . hopefully all friends and people are doing well too all over the world, where ever you are. take care, people. and friends, let's meet in... banana land???haha!
til then. chaoz~
Saturday, July 30, 2011
so...uni life indeed...
okay. the first week of my university life has passed. so..how was it??hmm. i can say its a fresh start indeed. for the first time, going to some place with no familiar faces, no friends at the first day whatsoever. indeed, finally a chance to set up a whole new image, giving first impressions, coping culture shock..a whole new start. a perfect place to train up my 'red ness' indeed..
so how i was doing?hmmm..not that well..not that i suck or something..just this stuff can't really be rushed you know..first of all, the week starts with lectures. as in real lectures held in a big auditorium, with lights dim, and slide shows and all. ya, lecture halls ain't the best place to interact. you just sit there and listen, say hi to your neighbour beside you, after lectures, off you go to respective destinations. plus, i don't really like to sit at the front in the lecture hall, which means i actually sit among the guys, and not the girls, who sits right at the front taking down notes. oops.
next, there's this weird timetable, each people set their own timetable, chooses their own subjects. and so most probably you'll be in different classes all together for each tutorial and laboratory classes with each other..tutorial is a better place to make friends, and most of them starts in the second week. hmm..seems that i'm doing not too bad in the first week, the second week should probably be better??
so, i had make the effort to make friends okay..haha..i've actually met quite many people and talked to them. too bad all the faces are different in every class, so i haven't actually really KNOW someone..i actually even get to know people from India, Kenya, Bangladesh, Indonesia and of course people from other states. its like wow. monash is INDEED an international university..
yep. so i still don't have lunch mate, not knowing the people close enough, especially GIRLS. and the guys all look like soloist too.. oh well..i believe things would be better in the second week. having more tutorial classes and all..then i can start joining clubs and societies??hmmm..nice indeed..
so. monash huh..i never dreamt i'll actually be studying here..its like a high class university..the services is first class, the security guards are friendly and helpful..i saw there's rock climbing, snookering , Foosball facilities in the university.. WOW. compare to *cough* inti *cough*..its really different..the lecturers are nice, and i trust their teaching is good too. and their online system is wonderful!! web drive and website system those..i can access everything on my iPad!!haha..and i mean EVERYTHING. lecture notes, practices, past year assessments, announcements.. everything is so organized and ready-made..my iPad is sooooooooo useful =D
oh ya, and the library??its AWESOME.. there's more computers than enough, each also already contain all the files of all the lectures..and on the 3rd floor, there's actually a seperated room with cosy, colourful bean bags, sofas, cushions and small desks..sooo fitted for a slow study or short rest or just to hang out..so, my dad paid for me to study here. hrm. so expensive. and so i MUST study well, learn well, behave well. or i think i'll kena lightning or god'll take away all the awesome stuffs i have..like my car and iPad. hrm. choi! so, i promise to be good!!
okay. the classes. its interesting..for the first week its mostly repeating of form 5 and a level stuff, though they go through it quite fast..aiks. and i wasn't really paying attention. i believe i'll need absolute attention in future lessons, as the lectures progress quite fast. oops.. eventually i'll also need skills to jot down the lectures..hmm.. so the only interesting part of my curremt assignment now is to build a hospital!! haha.. its a project in Engineering Professions. where we're randomly spilt into groups of 5, then its like we're hired by some real life medical group, to build a actual private hospital in Bandar Puchong. cool huh?? and the main thing is to come out with a design where its energy efficient and maximises usage of reusable energy..we have to consider the cost, feasibility, energy, design, facilities, location, technology, comfort, services and other aspects we're to put in the hospital. haha. i'm in charge of the design..so i'm trying to find any materials concerning going green buildings.
hmm..uni life indeed. this is going to be a awesome four years =D
chaoz~
so how i was doing?hmmm..not that well..not that i suck or something..just this stuff can't really be rushed you know..first of all, the week starts with lectures. as in real lectures held in a big auditorium, with lights dim, and slide shows and all. ya, lecture halls ain't the best place to interact. you just sit there and listen, say hi to your neighbour beside you, after lectures, off you go to respective destinations. plus, i don't really like to sit at the front in the lecture hall, which means i actually sit among the guys, and not the girls, who sits right at the front taking down notes. oops.
next, there's this weird timetable, each people set their own timetable, chooses their own subjects. and so most probably you'll be in different classes all together for each tutorial and laboratory classes with each other..tutorial is a better place to make friends, and most of them starts in the second week. hmm..seems that i'm doing not too bad in the first week, the second week should probably be better??
so, i had make the effort to make friends okay..haha..i've actually met quite many people and talked to them. too bad all the faces are different in every class, so i haven't actually really KNOW someone..i actually even get to know people from India, Kenya, Bangladesh, Indonesia and of course people from other states. its like wow. monash is INDEED an international university..
yep. so i still don't have lunch mate, not knowing the people close enough, especially GIRLS. and the guys all look like soloist too.. oh well..i believe things would be better in the second week. having more tutorial classes and all..then i can start joining clubs and societies??hmmm..nice indeed..
so. monash huh..i never dreamt i'll actually be studying here..its like a high class university..the services is first class, the security guards are friendly and helpful..i saw there's rock climbing, snookering , Foosball facilities in the university.. WOW. compare to *cough* inti *cough*..its really different..the lecturers are nice, and i trust their teaching is good too. and their online system is wonderful!! web drive and website system those..i can access everything on my iPad!!haha..and i mean EVERYTHING. lecture notes, practices, past year assessments, announcements.. everything is so organized and ready-made..my iPad is sooooooooo useful =D
oh ya, and the library??its AWESOME.. there's more computers than enough, each also already contain all the files of all the lectures..and on the 3rd floor, there's actually a seperated room with cosy, colourful bean bags, sofas, cushions and small desks..sooo fitted for a slow study or short rest or just to hang out..so, my dad paid for me to study here. hrm. so expensive. and so i MUST study well, learn well, behave well. or i think i'll kena lightning or god'll take away all the awesome stuffs i have..like my car and iPad. hrm. choi! so, i promise to be good!!
okay. the classes. its interesting..for the first week its mostly repeating of form 5 and a level stuff, though they go through it quite fast..aiks. and i wasn't really paying attention. i believe i'll need absolute attention in future lessons, as the lectures progress quite fast. oops.. eventually i'll also need skills to jot down the lectures..hmm.. so the only interesting part of my curremt assignment now is to build a hospital!! haha.. its a project in Engineering Professions. where we're randomly spilt into groups of 5, then its like we're hired by some real life medical group, to build a actual private hospital in Bandar Puchong. cool huh?? and the main thing is to come out with a design where its energy efficient and maximises usage of reusable energy..we have to consider the cost, feasibility, energy, design, facilities, location, technology, comfort, services and other aspects we're to put in the hospital. haha. i'm in charge of the design..so i'm trying to find any materials concerning going green buildings.
hmm..uni life indeed. this is going to be a awesome four years =D
chaoz~
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
BLUE and RED
haha.i think this the the best post title i had, ever. hrm..anyway, i just got counselled today, by the person who called me in my previous post. haha. first, thanks him a lot!!i got a much much clearer picture of the exits where the path i chose leads to.
so, engineering. apparently, i'm suitable for it after all! phew, a great relieve. the designing of circuit or system, researching, testing, improvising. isn't that my hobby or not?haha. but apparently, although i will like it, people will get sick of it eventually after few years doing the same thing stuck in the office. some choose to leave and go into sales instead, and start a small business of selling chemicals, for instance. and you who is left behind would start to think about leaving soon too, when all the people around you went away and get a better pay outside the office. hrm. the other route is go into management, climb the corporate ladder. BUT, i need to be prepared for the social skill thingy, facade, communicating, facade, network building and stuff, and be PRO at it. aiks. sound so tough for me as a BLUE person.
hmm. or, quit the engineering world, all the adventures and possibilities, and settle down educating the younger generations instead, as a lecturer. or, continue with studying and researching until i achieve the great position as a PE?? or, quit the job thing once and for all, and stay at home as a full time housewife.lol. this is so NOT an option.
hmm..so which do i want?perfect career life or great family supporter? apparently, i need to decide now so i can focus on polishing the skills i need in these last four years of education before i step into total chaos of the outside world. its now or never.
i tell you what i want. i want BALANCE. hrm. and this is actually a tough position to be into. and why is that?because i'm OKAY with anything. i can be stuck in a office forever designing great stuff. i can start a business if i have a partner and be organised with it. i can be lecturer and be happy with youngsters. i can do part time job and live more for my future family. lol. and if i'm just okay with everything, i would not excel in anything. i would not focus and give my best to whatever i'm doing. and again, stuck in the centre, weird, middle range. this is what the 'BALANCE' i want would turn out.
see??see how bad it would be??so i have to push myself from now. bear in mind what would turn out if i don't give my best. and really really FOCUS in what i HAVE to do now. ya. my red colour. improve my red colour!!!my blue is more than enough, maybe i even won't need to work that hard to graduate as an engineer. but my RED. only freaking four years left to work with it. its do or die. i DON'T want to be a nerdy engineer who is stuck in her post and friendless forever. ( choi! btw.) apparently my 'redness' is BELOW the passing rate. aiks. i so don't want this. i wasn't like this. its the freaking bloody nerdy stupid a levels which made me turn out like this in these past two years. i was a leader. i was brave. i was active. i was SOCIAL. long ago. it should be still in me. i just need to awaken it once again. the passion to bond with people, to care, to love and to believe.
RED RED!!GO RED!!
i'm on the highway already. the 'ENGINEERING' highway. i still don't know which exit i would take that i'll be on for the rest of my life. but i know to get til the end, 'RED' is my essential catalyst. it'll craft my way and lead me to a life i can cope with, no matter what the obstacles are. i've known this for a long time already, but only in my brain. today, i've listen to exact words of my greatest failure thrown at my face by other people. its time for the problem to be faced and to be solved. its time to shape myself to a better, stronger, braver, greater person. IN THESE FOUR YEARS.
hmph. i can do it. i must do it. i must change. i must not eat my own words.
chaoz for now. til then.
so, engineering. apparently, i'm suitable for it after all! phew, a great relieve. the designing of circuit or system, researching, testing, improvising. isn't that my hobby or not?haha. but apparently, although i will like it, people will get sick of it eventually after few years doing the same thing stuck in the office. some choose to leave and go into sales instead, and start a small business of selling chemicals, for instance. and you who is left behind would start to think about leaving soon too, when all the people around you went away and get a better pay outside the office. hrm. the other route is go into management, climb the corporate ladder. BUT, i need to be prepared for the social skill thingy, facade, communicating, facade, network building and stuff, and be PRO at it. aiks. sound so tough for me as a BLUE person.
hmm. or, quit the engineering world, all the adventures and possibilities, and settle down educating the younger generations instead, as a lecturer. or, continue with studying and researching until i achieve the great position as a PE?? or, quit the job thing once and for all, and stay at home as a full time housewife.lol. this is so NOT an option.
hmm..so which do i want?perfect career life or great family supporter? apparently, i need to decide now so i can focus on polishing the skills i need in these last four years of education before i step into total chaos of the outside world. its now or never.
i tell you what i want. i want BALANCE. hrm. and this is actually a tough position to be into. and why is that?because i'm OKAY with anything. i can be stuck in a office forever designing great stuff. i can start a business if i have a partner and be organised with it. i can be lecturer and be happy with youngsters. i can do part time job and live more for my future family. lol. and if i'm just okay with everything, i would not excel in anything. i would not focus and give my best to whatever i'm doing. and again, stuck in the centre, weird, middle range. this is what the 'BALANCE' i want would turn out.
see??see how bad it would be??so i have to push myself from now. bear in mind what would turn out if i don't give my best. and really really FOCUS in what i HAVE to do now. ya. my red colour. improve my red colour!!!my blue is more than enough, maybe i even won't need to work that hard to graduate as an engineer. but my RED. only freaking four years left to work with it. its do or die. i DON'T want to be a nerdy engineer who is stuck in her post and friendless forever. ( choi! btw.) apparently my 'redness' is BELOW the passing rate. aiks. i so don't want this. i wasn't like this. its the freaking bloody nerdy stupid a levels which made me turn out like this in these past two years. i was a leader. i was brave. i was active. i was SOCIAL. long ago. it should be still in me. i just need to awaken it once again. the passion to bond with people, to care, to love and to believe.
RED RED!!GO RED!!
i'm on the highway already. the 'ENGINEERING' highway. i still don't know which exit i would take that i'll be on for the rest of my life. but i know to get til the end, 'RED' is my essential catalyst. it'll craft my way and lead me to a life i can cope with, no matter what the obstacles are. i've known this for a long time already, but only in my brain. today, i've listen to exact words of my greatest failure thrown at my face by other people. its time for the problem to be faced and to be solved. its time to shape myself to a better, stronger, braver, greater person. IN THESE FOUR YEARS.
hmph. i can do it. i must do it. i must change. i must not eat my own words.
chaoz for now. til then.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
life??
okay..life is the best now..freedom, people, relaxation, everything is good. i have a long holiday, before i start university few weeks later, and i'm enjoying every minute of it. mm hmm..i wake and sleep whatever time i want, i can finally follow series and dramas whole day long, i meet my beloved friends, share stories, have actual conversations, how cool is that??compared to the stupid busy study shut out life i have in a levels. you know, a levels is really unhealthy, it gave me a stupid , bad habit. that is to act, or is really being busy when people is around me. as in study, think, listn song or something, so i can AVOID conversations. ya, i actually AVOID conversations with people around me, coz at that time, my life is so lifeless i don't wanna talk anything with people around me. aiks. but whatever, those days are over, and i need to, and have as much free time as possible to connect with people again. yep, people is my priority now. so anyway, that's my near future resolution, put people first before my work. that's how simple it should be. taking baby steps.
but then today, came a sudden call from certain person, make my whole mind thinking again. i know this is the long existed problem i'm having, but because its like a far future problem, i put it off my mind again and again. yep, the call is about my future. as in my REAL 10 years 20 years later future. what do i want to be? an engineer. duh, says certain voice in my head. but of course myself knows that its not about my occupation, but the 'person' that i want to be. haih. yep. what a HUGE question. how is anyone gonna answer that right here right now? and of course i know now is the ideal time to think about it, or else after university starts, i'll be like too busy or too occupied or once again drift along with the 'flow' people is going, and then i'll never 'find' myself..study, graduate, work in a good company to gain experience, maybe climb the corporate ladder, maybe not, accept the 'so-call' reality and lost my chance to live my own life??is it that bad?to follow the 'flow'.. argh.
so. is it not true that people who like physics and maths should choose the engineering field?is it not true that there'll be a big chance i'll love the job of analysing, designing whatsoever tecnical job?and the certain call advised me to open my mind and go through the whole process of 'finding' my 'calling' in this world??hasn't i gone through that already?from the whole lot of choices, i picked off arts, language, business, then bio related fields, then of course at last, left with the rational choice of a moderate, not too expensive, professional , and suite my interests course-ENGINEERING. so now some how i've got it all wrong and maybe i should be in advertising or management or something i don't know??how should i freaking choose this.
argh. of course, i really hoped that certain call would come earlier, not AFTER i just registered an paid for a university. but i KNEW it would be like this, its the second time already, the first is when long ago i almost decided to study QS at UTAR, kedah. argh. but of course, i know its not the call's fault, its my own future, its very kind and sweet to be concerned about it for me, maybe they won't be other person who would do that for me, and maybe it could be a wrong choice for me??i'm really grateful for the call, really, i am. but freaking need to consider the whole sea of options again is stressing me out.
one word. PARADIGM. too bad i'm not brought up to be a person full of dreams and hopes and ambitions and adventures. i'm brought up by a pharmacist and a teacher, so, more or less, i would like to be in my confort zone, a stable life, a stable job, a routine life with some free time i can do happy things with people i care. i don't even have a dream like opening a kindergarden or something. or changing the world, saving lives, saving trees?? what do i want?or need?? of course, the time has changed, i know that. its not the industrial age anymore. its the 'knowledge or something like that' age now. paradigm, the lens of seeing the world. its not something that you can change overnight. its something planted in you regarding how you are brought up. i would like to change. i would like to do what people seems fun. travel, invent something, save humanity, be the saint like person, or the leader of some super huge company, or whatever awesome stuff people do. is it wrong not to have such big dreams?do i really need to change who i am now? do i really need to rack my brain to figure out why i was born?or how to place my mark in this world?is the 'flow' really bad?
i would like to change. i would like to be better, in my own ways. what's the heck with engineering?is it really not suitable for girls?=.= what the hell.
thanks for the questions, the whole lot of them, but no answers. argh.
the future in the long run is a great unknown. how should i plan anything when i don't know what i want in life?or rather i'm okay with everything in life. bring it on! my 'calling' ??what the heck is that?! why can't i leave it to the 'future me' to decide? T.T
i think the problem here is i don't believe much... #$@*##^&@!!
hrm. i should believe.
still thinking. i believe i believe i believe.
chaoz for now~
but then today, came a sudden call from certain person, make my whole mind thinking again. i know this is the long existed problem i'm having, but because its like a far future problem, i put it off my mind again and again. yep, the call is about my future. as in my REAL 10 years 20 years later future. what do i want to be? an engineer. duh, says certain voice in my head. but of course myself knows that its not about my occupation, but the 'person' that i want to be. haih. yep. what a HUGE question. how is anyone gonna answer that right here right now? and of course i know now is the ideal time to think about it, or else after university starts, i'll be like too busy or too occupied or once again drift along with the 'flow' people is going, and then i'll never 'find' myself..study, graduate, work in a good company to gain experience, maybe climb the corporate ladder, maybe not, accept the 'so-call' reality and lost my chance to live my own life??is it that bad?to follow the 'flow'.. argh.
so. is it not true that people who like physics and maths should choose the engineering field?is it not true that there'll be a big chance i'll love the job of analysing, designing whatsoever tecnical job?and the certain call advised me to open my mind and go through the whole process of 'finding' my 'calling' in this world??hasn't i gone through that already?from the whole lot of choices, i picked off arts, language, business, then bio related fields, then of course at last, left with the rational choice of a moderate, not too expensive, professional , and suite my interests course-ENGINEERING. so now some how i've got it all wrong and maybe i should be in advertising or management or something i don't know??how should i freaking choose this.
argh. of course, i really hoped that certain call would come earlier, not AFTER i just registered an paid for a university. but i KNEW it would be like this, its the second time already, the first is when long ago i almost decided to study QS at UTAR, kedah. argh. but of course, i know its not the call's fault, its my own future, its very kind and sweet to be concerned about it for me, maybe they won't be other person who would do that for me, and maybe it could be a wrong choice for me??i'm really grateful for the call, really, i am. but freaking need to consider the whole sea of options again is stressing me out.
one word. PARADIGM. too bad i'm not brought up to be a person full of dreams and hopes and ambitions and adventures. i'm brought up by a pharmacist and a teacher, so, more or less, i would like to be in my confort zone, a stable life, a stable job, a routine life with some free time i can do happy things with people i care. i don't even have a dream like opening a kindergarden or something. or changing the world, saving lives, saving trees?? what do i want?or need?? of course, the time has changed, i know that. its not the industrial age anymore. its the 'knowledge or something like that' age now. paradigm, the lens of seeing the world. its not something that you can change overnight. its something planted in you regarding how you are brought up. i would like to change. i would like to do what people seems fun. travel, invent something, save humanity, be the saint like person, or the leader of some super huge company, or whatever awesome stuff people do. is it wrong not to have such big dreams?do i really need to change who i am now? do i really need to rack my brain to figure out why i was born?or how to place my mark in this world?is the 'flow' really bad?
i would like to change. i would like to be better, in my own ways. what's the heck with engineering?is it really not suitable for girls?=.= what the hell.
thanks for the questions, the whole lot of them, but no answers. argh.
the future in the long run is a great unknown. how should i plan anything when i don't know what i want in life?or rather i'm okay with everything in life. bring it on! my 'calling' ??what the heck is that?! why can't i leave it to the 'future me' to decide? T.T
i think the problem here is i don't believe much... #$@*##^&@!!
hrm. i should believe.
still thinking. i believe i believe i believe.
chaoz for now~
Saturday, June 11, 2011
after a levels...
Days after a levels is the best!!woo hoo~~no more lifelessness and don't have to control myself so much..wahaha..though i have to start limit myself and start doing constructive stuff or i'll end up a pig..its so fun, waking up in the morning having the whole day FREE ahead..haha..and univervity life in near future to look forward to=]
Driving is so fun=] yea..i love MANUAL..though i still need to practise a lot and be very very careful..everyboday's holiday is around the corner!!time to gather and chit chat=DD i've just applied for monash university today..hopefully can get in horh?may have a couple of to-be-classmates already..haha..i used to think i want to have a fresh start..but what's wrong to have old friends?and looking forward to new friends too=] engineering course, should can find many same frequency de people horh?haha..dunno..
okay. just to update a bit..
stay open minded.
chaoz~
Driving is so fun=] yea..i love MANUAL..though i still need to practise a lot and be very very careful..everyboday's holiday is around the corner!!time to gather and chit chat=DD i've just applied for monash university today..hopefully can get in horh?may have a couple of to-be-classmates already..haha..i used to think i want to have a fresh start..but what's wrong to have old friends?and looking forward to new friends too=] engineering course, should can find many same frequency de people horh?haha..dunno..
okay. just to update a bit..
stay open minded.
chaoz~
Thursday, June 2, 2011
bye bye
yep..its time for teary good byes, after one and a half year. i'm finally done with A levels!!!yoohoo!!how cool is that??haha.
sorry. it won't be teary actually, because i'm actually happy leaving a levels. haha. i'm very glad to kiss my books and inti and all the other stuff goodbye. haha. so, here's my farewell speech.
BYE BYE A levels!!you really suck like hell. bye bye inti. u suck quite a bit too. bye bye rapid kl U623, i no longer need to wait for you like forever to fetch me to college. bye bye FURTHER MATHS. self studying is no fun at all, this is my first and last time trying it. bye bye the other 3 bloody subjects which i had to hold on to for this past one and a half year. and also, bye bye lifeless, bye bye no life, bye bye stupid stupid a levels.
haha. how's that?of corse i've some thank yous to make too. thx you friends and pals of any kind to make a levels bearable. i mean, i've survived it, didn't i??thx you Take Away, though now i have to stop drinking dor a while due to my favourite passion fruit juice is likely to contain certain building chemicals..oh well..thx you stact club, making my life in college slightly exciting, though its only for few months. thx you ricola, my phone, green tea, chinese tea, inti level 9 ( also known as ' mouth floor'), taylors' notes and yee min's further maths notes for setting up the study mood for me..haha..it make my study life very very much easier. especially level 9. its my study heaven. haha.
okay, that's all for teary goodbyes. no hard feelings. haha. i've reach another turning point!!hmm..where to go next??=]
til we meet again. chaoz~
sorry. it won't be teary actually, because i'm actually happy leaving a levels. haha. i'm very glad to kiss my books and inti and all the other stuff goodbye. haha. so, here's my farewell speech.
BYE BYE A levels!!you really suck like hell. bye bye inti. u suck quite a bit too. bye bye rapid kl U623, i no longer need to wait for you like forever to fetch me to college. bye bye FURTHER MATHS. self studying is no fun at all, this is my first and last time trying it. bye bye the other 3 bloody subjects which i had to hold on to for this past one and a half year. and also, bye bye lifeless, bye bye no life, bye bye stupid stupid a levels.
haha. how's that?of corse i've some thank yous to make too. thx you friends and pals of any kind to make a levels bearable. i mean, i've survived it, didn't i??thx you Take Away, though now i have to stop drinking dor a while due to my favourite passion fruit juice is likely to contain certain building chemicals..oh well..thx you stact club, making my life in college slightly exciting, though its only for few months. thx you ricola, my phone, green tea, chinese tea, inti level 9 ( also known as ' mouth floor'), taylors' notes and yee min's further maths notes for setting up the study mood for me..haha..it make my study life very very much easier. especially level 9. its my study heaven. haha.
okay, that's all for teary goodbyes. no hard feelings. haha. i've reach another turning point!!hmm..where to go next??=]
til we meet again. chaoz~
Sunday, May 22, 2011
NAHHHHHHH
mmhmm...goin a bit insane here already. that's what happen when your exam drags on and on for an entire month. and mine's not over yet. 3 more freaking papers to go!!!i thought that the next time i blog will be of words of celebration. haih. too bad..i couldn't make it til then. stuck at home days after days after days preparing for the incoming papers is driving me mad. oh my..i don't really have the fighting spirit anymore. just hope its over soon. not rushing to the finishing line. just walking pace after pace after pace at a steady speed. then when it comes, it comes..this is what happens if you prepare early for the exam..good?bad?i think its the same..giving what amount of time to prepare.its the same outcome i'll get..long or short i'll just fit into it and get it ready on time. so it doesn't matters much. so this is what it feels like to have your exams prepared earlier. well. at least won't feel that gan jiong, if sense of lifelessness can compensate for that. oh well.
what a toneless post...lalalalala...oh well...there's exam tommorrow. ha..ha..ha... go...exam.....
chaoz~
what a toneless post...lalalalala...oh well...there's exam tommorrow. ha..ha..ha... go...exam.....
chaoz~
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
crappy mood
mm hmm. this again. c.r.a.p. . otherwise why am i here?? but no longer actually, because i've gotten over it again. haha. stupid right??lol. this is always how it is. crappy mood. then 'blogging' comes across my mind. then before i hit the computer, all complains rush into my mind, and i am like having a imaginary blogging process in my head. then solutions. then taadahh..was over it!! haha. cool right?? but then, the 'getting over it' process won't be completed unless i really have blogged about it, right here. so, here i am.=]
okay. so why again, is this crappy mood??i think its the same for every a levels candidate. i feel like i'm gonna DIE!!and again, not suicidal or anything, that's literally how i feel, quote: 'arghhhhh...i can DIE!!!!' yep. that's what i felt until an hour ago. lol. at this point, a levels in exactly one week away, i'm not crushing to death by the stress or pressure or something, though this does not diminish our suffering by the slightest, i am SUFFOCATING because of the repeating of studying four stup*d subjects over and over and over again and somehow its not finish yet though hours spent pouring over them and cannot stop until this freaking month is finally over. and i cannot call those subjects stup*d because i need to score As in them or something. argh. god. this few months is like hell. i've got NOTHING to do except study. i wake up, study. sick of it , then stop. then thinking what should i do next, and 'study' bore back to my mind again=.= hello??where's the options??and i freaking can't change the routine, coz like i said, a levels is in exactly one week time, and i'm not done studying them, though i don't know how is this even possible, seeing i've spent almost every waking hours dwelling over them. arghhh..
so. of course. here comes the plan for near future, which i'll have every single time exam is near. yep. the after-exam-pretty-pretty-freedom-plan. ha.ha.ha. i'm near insanity now. anyways, i'm so busy for this year, i rarely do any spending. so after exam i'm gonna have my own shopping spree!!i'm gonna do the shopping myself seeing i can't rely on my sis on them anymore. she's too busy with work and she doesn't buy college clothing anymore. oh well. time to learn. aiks. and, seeing my dad is finally getting a dslr, canon 550 D, i'm gonna have a new toy!!wahaha..nice nice photos.teehee. AND. i'm thinking of an investment, an 'ipod touch' investment. i think i can afford one. but not sure if its worth it onot. seeing i'm not a very cyber active person.that plan is still in pending mode. and of course. though i have run away from the problem for 15 months, its gonna be time for me to actually sit behind a steering wheel, working on those clutches and pedals, using a MANUAL gear, and actually start with driving again. *gulp*. terrifying. exam ends on 2nd june. and if its decided, i'll start uni on 25th july, at monash, e&e engineering course. so one a a half month in between, for me to finish with all these plans.
anyways, i'm gonna give up on animes and manga. they're so disappointing. after finishing fullmetal alchemist brotherhood ( best best ever!!), death note and conan, i can't find anything else worth reading. kekkaishi was okay, code geass is cool, bleach, erhhh..any how, others seem like crap. so i'm gonna stop looking for a while.maybe i'll switch to english comedies. 'How I Met your Mother' is sooo nice especially after a crappy day. comedy is nice. and learning some english is nice too. i prefer a few laughs these days than following mediocre mangas. and maybe i'll try discovery channels. haha. oh well.
one last thing. blogging is so magical. haha. 'imaginary blogging' in my mind is so magical. its like i finally laid out all the pieces in a line, finally getting all the puzzles in order, by putting all my thoughts in black and white words. its just solves all the confusion in my mind, clear out the crappiness. simply. magical. haha. that's why i won't mind missing out a few hours of studying by doing this.
hmmm...do you feel it??the calming and sweetness of an imaginary breeze...freedom is near=]
chaoz~
okay. so why again, is this crappy mood??i think its the same for every a levels candidate. i feel like i'm gonna DIE!!and again, not suicidal or anything, that's literally how i feel, quote: 'arghhhhh...i can DIE!!!!' yep. that's what i felt until an hour ago. lol. at this point, a levels in exactly one week away, i'm not crushing to death by the stress or pressure or something, though this does not diminish our suffering by the slightest, i am SUFFOCATING because of the repeating of studying four stup*d subjects over and over and over again and somehow its not finish yet though hours spent pouring over them and cannot stop until this freaking month is finally over. and i cannot call those subjects stup*d because i need to score As in them or something. argh. god. this few months is like hell. i've got NOTHING to do except study. i wake up, study. sick of it , then stop. then thinking what should i do next, and 'study' bore back to my mind again=.= hello??where's the options??and i freaking can't change the routine, coz like i said, a levels is in exactly one week time, and i'm not done studying them, though i don't know how is this even possible, seeing i've spent almost every waking hours dwelling over them. arghhh..
so. of course. here comes the plan for near future, which i'll have every single time exam is near. yep. the after-exam-pretty-pretty-freedom-plan. ha.ha.ha. i'm near insanity now. anyways, i'm so busy for this year, i rarely do any spending. so after exam i'm gonna have my own shopping spree!!i'm gonna do the shopping myself seeing i can't rely on my sis on them anymore. she's too busy with work and she doesn't buy college clothing anymore. oh well. time to learn. aiks. and, seeing my dad is finally getting a dslr, canon 550 D, i'm gonna have a new toy!!wahaha..nice nice photos.teehee. AND. i'm thinking of an investment, an 'ipod touch' investment. i think i can afford one. but not sure if its worth it onot. seeing i'm not a very cyber active person.that plan is still in pending mode. and of course. though i have run away from the problem for 15 months, its gonna be time for me to actually sit behind a steering wheel, working on those clutches and pedals, using a MANUAL gear, and actually start with driving again. *gulp*. terrifying. exam ends on 2nd june. and if its decided, i'll start uni on 25th july, at monash, e&e engineering course. so one a a half month in between, for me to finish with all these plans.
anyways, i'm gonna give up on animes and manga. they're so disappointing. after finishing fullmetal alchemist brotherhood ( best best ever!!), death note and conan, i can't find anything else worth reading. kekkaishi was okay, code geass is cool, bleach, erhhh..any how, others seem like crap. so i'm gonna stop looking for a while.maybe i'll switch to english comedies. 'How I Met your Mother' is sooo nice especially after a crappy day. comedy is nice. and learning some english is nice too. i prefer a few laughs these days than following mediocre mangas. and maybe i'll try discovery channels. haha. oh well.
one last thing. blogging is so magical. haha. 'imaginary blogging' in my mind is so magical. its like i finally laid out all the pieces in a line, finally getting all the puzzles in order, by putting all my thoughts in black and white words. its just solves all the confusion in my mind, clear out the crappiness. simply. magical. haha. that's why i won't mind missing out a few hours of studying by doing this.
hmmm...do you feel it??the calming and sweetness of an imaginary breeze...freedom is near=]
chaoz~
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
opinions..
hrm. what's with me recently. its like i don't give a damn thing about anything already. its like whatever. i don't mind. maybe just a little. hmm..do you care about what people say/think about you? recently i don't..its weird because i used to care freaking a lot. i would get emotional about something not much of a big deal. seriously. but recently, maybe its because i'm not too bonded with anyone?i just don't care. not that i give up bonding or anything. i just don't feel like pleasing anyone. it feels cliche or something. that's one thing. the other is i don't really take people's comment into heart anymore..like critics on my character those..its just too much to take into account whatever you think adding to my already full mind. its not like i don't think enough. its not like i could shut off my mind concerning my worries and random thoughts and whatever rubbish anytime i like. when someone is telling a story, mostly and always amid of my homeworking doing, studying, thinking, resting, forgive me i could not give my full attention. i don't know why, but i would concentrate on rather a particular word you say, or the way you say, or the background of your saying that take place, or even just the sound ( not voice) you say, and just, not the topic the conversation is about. can i control that??i don't know..see, its not like i don't think about it. i do want to be a better listener. its just not like mathematics. all numbers in your control. its so random so out of the world. its MY MIND we're talking about. it wanders freely as though it is Alice in the Wonderland. or whatever. so. its like after many years of shedding tears due to some mean comments. i finally, FINALLY, am able to just put them off my mind. just like a passing by rain. though it does NOT mean that i don't give a thought of what i do. hrm. maybe this is indeed maturing??don't think i'm perasan or something. just that i always used to wonder, why adults don't have much expressions emotions as kids?they don't laugh/ cry out of control, they don't have exceptionally big, dramatic gestures, they don't say everything out loud. so maybe this is it. they've finally had enough, or at least got used to it, anything any comment on this world they know is not THAT significant, so eventually they are able to put aside and go on. maybe that's it, to go on. okay. i got it. i'll just go on and on and on. while picking up precious little stuff on my way. hee. don't worry, i'll pick you=] chaoz~
Thursday, March 31, 2011
peace of mind
Recently, just living in a peace of mind, walking in my own pace, doing what I can, what i want. After one year of A levels life, there's no ties with anywhere, no some sort of special bonds whatsoever. One year is not a very long time, and Inti is not like the ideal place i would meet some one special, its not like i'm very close with my a levels friends. so yea, tomorrow is last day of college, no hard feelings, at all. haha. And alright, i'll give Inti some credit, it does not suck like hell la. Since the change of lecturer in chemistry, Inti lecturers actually seem very kind and nice and helpful people, i respect them. haha. And the times there are not that bad as well. The people are not half bad, and i really did grow and learn a lot there, met quite few decent people.
But still. glad its coming to an end. A levels sucks. not inti. 'Takeaway' rocks!!! haha..hrm. is it just a levels, or its part of the life after leaving high school? all friends seem further and further away. there's no guarantee that you would meet them everyday for a few guaranteed years. in which you would have all the time of your life to break the ice, talk, make friends, fight, make it up after that and just hang around. instead you would have to adapt quickly, make friends quickly, before you part and may not spend time with each other as much as you like or even see each other anymore. so the bonds are no longer as strong, you couldn't really get to know some one as fully, and one moment you take your eyes off them and focus on other things on a while, and when you're back, the little time you had with them has already pass, and there you go, the chance to get to know them better, G-O-N-E. I'm not actually a fast person, in terms of adapting or break open to somebody, so i can as well say i did a bad job in social this year. ya, many new friends i had, but most probably they'll just be some hi, bye friends in future??
haih. what to do. when you're stuck in an environment where so little people actually cares for their grades, the nerd stands alone. haha. if she want to spend every waking moment to self study in further maths, that is. and no matter how many years i've spend my time with playful, fun, caring, outgoing friends, here i am, a nerd, still. lol. yep. its not only this year, so its not like people say, 'mian learn bad d' , in fact, i've mingle with fun people since like, form 2, i think?? 'trying' to learn 'bad' . 'bad prefect' 'bad student' image..you know, those minor minor stuff like ponteng, having fashion hairstyle, skip duty, ditch class, hang out...and still remains as a nerd. haha..so how good/pathetic is that??lol. you have no idea. you really have none. haha.
anyway, as soon as A levels is over, i'm going to have a whole new perspective of my direction in life again. i have to change this 'nerd only' status. and try to, erm, bond to people??haih. coz i'm really lousy at this. i rather blog than go facebook. argh.
another random thought. i so appreciate yoga these days. its so calming and peace-minding....it makes me feel i can die. haha. sorry for the words to come out that way. but that is what i actually felt. haha..living in the world of chaos, be it the crumbling physical world due to earth quakes in japan, or my mental state which never ever shut ups, yoga is the only time i get to let it all go, and reach a blank state of mind, like that 'muzou' thingy in kekkaishi. its so peceful, so quiet and so relaxing. it makes me feel like if i just die right here right then, everything would be fine, as there's zero concerns in my mind, so comfortable. haha. so i won't mind dying. okay, before i freak you guys out, i'm not suicidal or anything. just that state of mind in yoga is what i rather want, when i finally die, hopefully after many eventful years, in my 70s or 80s, in a healthy state. haha. living in today's world is no joke. i have to meditate every once in a while to remain the sanity of my mind. really.
Yoga practicing is like the substitution of my choir days..yes, people. singing in a choir is the happiest and calmest moments in my life. the harmony, the feeling of being one, the melody, the combination of each souls, you won't believe it. its simply AMAZING. ditto to pmo and band practising. but choir singing is better.hee. ahhh..those days. wonderful, wonderful, beautiful memories... actually, singing in a choir is BETTER than yoga. seriously.
oh, and reading too. it has the same effect on me to calm my mind. my mind NEEDS a lot calming, its so restless in there. u cannot simply imagine. so basically in this 2 weeks, while i'm swallowing books like hell, i've reswallowed the whole 'Princess Diaries' series of 10 as well. Its no joke, to have so much to study. i need an equal amount of calming reading, to keep myself sane. so there i go. 10 books. like 1 for each day. so i apologize if this post is written like princess mia's writing style. haha. 10 whole meg cabot novels. so some of it should rub off in my writing as well.
so you see, based on this blog post, you can pick up hints that i'm currently outta my mind these days. argh. grr. bleh. hope my sanity would come back to me asap. til then.
cheers to sanity.
chaoz~
But still. glad its coming to an end. A levels sucks. not inti. 'Takeaway' rocks!!! haha..hrm. is it just a levels, or its part of the life after leaving high school? all friends seem further and further away. there's no guarantee that you would meet them everyday for a few guaranteed years. in which you would have all the time of your life to break the ice, talk, make friends, fight, make it up after that and just hang around. instead you would have to adapt quickly, make friends quickly, before you part and may not spend time with each other as much as you like or even see each other anymore. so the bonds are no longer as strong, you couldn't really get to know some one as fully, and one moment you take your eyes off them and focus on other things on a while, and when you're back, the little time you had with them has already pass, and there you go, the chance to get to know them better, G-O-N-E. I'm not actually a fast person, in terms of adapting or break open to somebody, so i can as well say i did a bad job in social this year. ya, many new friends i had, but most probably they'll just be some hi, bye friends in future??
haih. what to do. when you're stuck in an environment where so little people actually cares for their grades, the nerd stands alone. haha. if she want to spend every waking moment to self study in further maths, that is. and no matter how many years i've spend my time with playful, fun, caring, outgoing friends, here i am, a nerd, still. lol. yep. its not only this year, so its not like people say, 'mian learn bad d' , in fact, i've mingle with fun people since like, form 2, i think?? 'trying' to learn 'bad' . 'bad prefect' 'bad student' image..you know, those minor minor stuff like ponteng, having fashion hairstyle, skip duty, ditch class, hang out...and still remains as a nerd. haha..so how good/pathetic is that??lol. you have no idea. you really have none. haha.
anyway, as soon as A levels is over, i'm going to have a whole new perspective of my direction in life again. i have to change this 'nerd only' status. and try to, erm, bond to people??haih. coz i'm really lousy at this. i rather blog than go facebook. argh.
another random thought. i so appreciate yoga these days. its so calming and peace-minding....it makes me feel i can die. haha. sorry for the words to come out that way. but that is what i actually felt. haha..living in the world of chaos, be it the crumbling physical world due to earth quakes in japan, or my mental state which never ever shut ups, yoga is the only time i get to let it all go, and reach a blank state of mind, like that 'muzou' thingy in kekkaishi. its so peceful, so quiet and so relaxing. it makes me feel like if i just die right here right then, everything would be fine, as there's zero concerns in my mind, so comfortable. haha. so i won't mind dying. okay, before i freak you guys out, i'm not suicidal or anything. just that state of mind in yoga is what i rather want, when i finally die, hopefully after many eventful years, in my 70s or 80s, in a healthy state. haha. living in today's world is no joke. i have to meditate every once in a while to remain the sanity of my mind. really.
Yoga practicing is like the substitution of my choir days..yes, people. singing in a choir is the happiest and calmest moments in my life. the harmony, the feeling of being one, the melody, the combination of each souls, you won't believe it. its simply AMAZING. ditto to pmo and band practising. but choir singing is better.hee. ahhh..those days. wonderful, wonderful, beautiful memories... actually, singing in a choir is BETTER than yoga. seriously.
oh, and reading too. it has the same effect on me to calm my mind. my mind NEEDS a lot calming, its so restless in there. u cannot simply imagine. so basically in this 2 weeks, while i'm swallowing books like hell, i've reswallowed the whole 'Princess Diaries' series of 10 as well. Its no joke, to have so much to study. i need an equal amount of calming reading, to keep myself sane. so there i go. 10 books. like 1 for each day. so i apologize if this post is written like princess mia's writing style. haha. 10 whole meg cabot novels. so some of it should rub off in my writing as well.
so you see, based on this blog post, you can pick up hints that i'm currently outta my mind these days. argh. grr. bleh. hope my sanity would come back to me asap. til then.
cheers to sanity.
chaoz~
Saturday, March 5, 2011
finishing line..
hrm. so long din update. SUPPOSE to be in study mode. however, losed the motivation these days..
a levels. from may 11th til june 2nd. simple mathematics show us its in a mere 2 months time. FREAKING OUT. yet, i see myself still slacking here and there. argh. how can this happen??further maths. can i really make it on time??shit. the thought of it make me so stressed out. yet, here i am. reading manga. beside a stack of books yet to touch. lol.
a levels. worst course ever. so lifeless so pointless. taht's why i'm starting uni as soon as i finish the course, in july. overseas?not much thought of it. maybe just try out NTU. since the pay in singapore is so good. and of course, near home. haha..
a levels. hate it hate it every single day..haih..
til then. bye~~
a levels. from may 11th til june 2nd. simple mathematics show us its in a mere 2 months time. FREAKING OUT. yet, i see myself still slacking here and there. argh. how can this happen??further maths. can i really make it on time??shit. the thought of it make me so stressed out. yet, here i am. reading manga. beside a stack of books yet to touch. lol.
a levels. worst course ever. so lifeless so pointless. taht's why i'm starting uni as soon as i finish the course, in july. overseas?not much thought of it. maybe just try out NTU. since the pay in singapore is so good. and of course, near home. haha..
a levels. hate it hate it every single day..haih..
til then. bye~~
Monday, February 7, 2011
some things always remain..
hrm. god knows why i'm here again. yep, crappy mood. no matter, its always like this. haih..anyway, i think my crappy mood gets over very fast. haha. in which, i found that some habits of mine stays the same after so many many years...
over the years, where i said again and again, and regretted again and again, that i've changed..no longer being the natural leader, the carer, the speaker, sort of stuff.. some remain though, i found out recently. ya.blurr me.haha..hrm. for example, the love for maths. it didn't just come to me over night or even in the recent years. since maybe kindergarten, i've been fond of numbers. lol. at that time, it was simply because its much simpler than the 26 alphabets. there's only 10 numbers you see, so it means less homework for me to practise writing. and who knows why i never, couldn't, wouldn't, change my god damn 'unique' way of holding a pencil. mine is like holding a rock. lol. so again, i couldn't produce beautiful, identical, perfect writings in a straight line. yea, my handwriting sucks. til now. haha..so numbers are again easier for me. and one pathetic fact, i'm 19 and i still couldn't sign properly. argh. how long i've tried to design a signature??maybe its easier if its in numbers?? and again, numbers are simple and logical, the never changing rules for me are common sense. haha. like duh??1+1 is 2!!lol. here's one time, in the end of year 3, my mum bought me a standard 4 maths work book. and i finished it in a week, even before the holidays ended. other work books, haha. blank. in form 3, i borrowed kumon maths for crystal after pmr, just for the fun doing it. lol. so u get the point.
so. that's 1 fact that remains. another one is my habit of writing notes. when i was particularly down, or happy, that is. i used to have a secret page in my note book, where i stick to pages of the paper together to form a paper pocket. i would insert notes like ' gambateh' , ' i miss mum', sort of secret thoughts into it.haha. and of course its always found out and read by somebody some how. embarrassing. lol. but, yep. this habit remains. but of course i don't do it in a note book with a paper pocket anymore. i use technology. and thank god, its more reliable and no one could read them anymore. haha.
over the years, where i said again and again, and regretted again and again, that i've changed..no longer being the natural leader, the carer, the speaker, sort of stuff.. some remain though, i found out recently. ya.blurr me.haha..hrm. for example, the love for maths. it didn't just come to me over night or even in the recent years. since maybe kindergarten, i've been fond of numbers. lol. at that time, it was simply because its much simpler than the 26 alphabets. there's only 10 numbers you see, so it means less homework for me to practise writing. and who knows why i never, couldn't, wouldn't, change my god damn 'unique' way of holding a pencil. mine is like holding a rock. lol. so again, i couldn't produce beautiful, identical, perfect writings in a straight line. yea, my handwriting sucks. til now. haha..so numbers are again easier for me. and one pathetic fact, i'm 19 and i still couldn't sign properly. argh. how long i've tried to design a signature??maybe its easier if its in numbers?? and again, numbers are simple and logical, the never changing rules for me are common sense. haha. like duh??1+1 is 2!!lol. here's one time, in the end of year 3, my mum bought me a standard 4 maths work book. and i finished it in a week, even before the holidays ended. other work books, haha. blank. in form 3, i borrowed kumon maths for crystal after pmr, just for the fun doing it. lol. so u get the point.
so. that's 1 fact that remains. another one is my habit of writing notes. when i was particularly down, or happy, that is. i used to have a secret page in my note book, where i stick to pages of the paper together to form a paper pocket. i would insert notes like ' gambateh' , ' i miss mum', sort of secret thoughts into it.haha. and of course its always found out and read by somebody some how. embarrassing. lol. but, yep. this habit remains. but of course i don't do it in a note book with a paper pocket anymore. i use technology. and thank god, its more reliable and no one could read them anymore. haha.
and the art works!!haha. i'm proud that this last until now. it starts from standard 3 i think. and during secondary i almost make one kind of artwork every year. haha.i always give away all of them to people i love, and barely having a single one for myself. lol. i don't like keeping my art works, the effort will be totally wasted. haha. i've did manga drawings, fun drawing, stars, name stickers, pom poms, book marks, cards, names done with strings...
these are the most recent ones i made!!=]
the bunny is for crystal!!and the owl is for ning!!though i dunno when i'll see u and its way too early for ur b'day..and its not ji..but owl is the same kind i gues??haha..too bad i can't mass produce it like a pom pom..its too time consuming. i need 4 hours to make one..aiks..so i'll slowly make when i have time k?? i swear i'll make more!!
and bout the crappy mood. it gets over fast. how??for me, i stuff headphone in my ears, loud music (not soft volumes that i usually set to blend with the noise around me just so i can concentrate). loud ones which are just enough to cover up my crappy thoughts. then, a cup of Chinese tea, only for myself (not like the usual which i make for everyone else), and homework. ya. all things to occupy me just to get over with the crappy mood. and after its over, blog. and there it is, satisfaction=] and ok, this is not one of the stuffs that remains after so many years. in fact, it is developed only in recent years. to deal with the whole growing up complication.
hrm.. have i gone to be a loser after all these years?a certain person always make me feel like one. but no matter. its just crappy thoughts. means it'll be over so soon that i'll forget about it in no time and be suprised that this thought even crossed my mind.
blog. my only medium to practise english. love it.
til then..
chaoz~
and bout the crappy mood. it gets over fast. how??for me, i stuff headphone in my ears, loud music (not soft volumes that i usually set to blend with the noise around me just so i can concentrate). loud ones which are just enough to cover up my crappy thoughts. then, a cup of Chinese tea, only for myself (not like the usual which i make for everyone else), and homework. ya. all things to occupy me just to get over with the crappy mood. and after its over, blog. and there it is, satisfaction=] and ok, this is not one of the stuffs that remains after so many years. in fact, it is developed only in recent years. to deal with the whole growing up complication.
hrm.. have i gone to be a loser after all these years?a certain person always make me feel like one. but no matter. its just crappy thoughts. means it'll be over so soon that i'll forget about it in no time and be suprised that this thought even crossed my mind.
blog. my only medium to practise english. love it.
til then..
chaoz~
Friday, January 28, 2011
mm hmmm...
mm hmm..its holidays already..haha..i like holidays so much nowadays, coz college life is so lifeless. the lessons are pointless, as in it won't make any difference if i attend or not..anyway, one thing to declare, i've finally made up my mind, and registered for FURTHER MATHEMATICS a levels exam already. oh my, what a huge and stubborn decision..after soooo many times tired and being fed up of self studying this whole extremely tough (i dare not say stupid) subject, who knows, i persisted. lol. i'm so suprised with my self, for staying firm for one whole year. and no tuition man!!haha..and some people say i don't have a stand, easily influenced and so..but huh!!i've hold on to a god damn subject for so long. and did not drop when so many others did. lol. but too early to be happy la..i'm still quite far from securing an A in it. well, that's the reason i'm in the super nerd mode now. haih.
anyway, i think i don't hate inti so much already.the staff are friendly. and now i have a decent chemistry lecturer, i don't have much to complain about anymore. my timetable is in order (finally) and its fees IS much cheaper than other colleges. even the exam fees are cheaper. for the same papers, i paid 825 while i heard taylor's have to pay 960?? since i got nice results for AS, well, i conclude that college's reputation isn't everything..haha..however, the fact i don't ENJOY a levels remains. different frequency, lonely in studies, no one to turn to when i'm in nerd mode (coz inti nerd mode people is very rare). oh well, getting used to it now already.
A Levels. won't miss it when it ends. from what i see and feel now anyways. ttc. well, getting lost in touch recently too..old pals..some here some there..some i miss, some i see, some i regretted, some forgets me (oh well). the turning point awaits everybody. for us 19s anyways. be prepared before we part ways again.
cny is coming, but the excitement is not. parties, visit?don't fancy much..will see how then. am feeling guilty for yet sending chinese new year card to my foster family. shit. visit to johor?not likely. haih.
so, yeah, i'm in a total nerd mode right now. as all A2 candidates, exam is in 3 and a half months time. much syllabus yet to cover, not to mention my further maths. and yeah, studies might be boring, and self study can be lonely and suffocating. but hey, its A levels, what do you expect??buck up already, people.
i have so much to catch up, with so many people i have in mind. argh. i so miss the long chats we can have anytime anywhere. BUT. i rarely even online, not to mention attend gatherings.haih.
til then?
HAPPY CNY, people.
chaoz~
anyway, i think i don't hate inti so much already.the staff are friendly. and now i have a decent chemistry lecturer, i don't have much to complain about anymore. my timetable is in order (finally) and its fees IS much cheaper than other colleges. even the exam fees are cheaper. for the same papers, i paid 825 while i heard taylor's have to pay 960?? since i got nice results for AS, well, i conclude that college's reputation isn't everything..haha..however, the fact i don't ENJOY a levels remains. different frequency, lonely in studies, no one to turn to when i'm in nerd mode (coz inti nerd mode people is very rare). oh well, getting used to it now already.
A Levels. won't miss it when it ends. from what i see and feel now anyways. ttc. well, getting lost in touch recently too..old pals..some here some there..some i miss, some i see, some i regretted, some forgets me (oh well). the turning point awaits everybody. for us 19s anyways. be prepared before we part ways again.
cny is coming, but the excitement is not. parties, visit?don't fancy much..will see how then. am feeling guilty for yet sending chinese new year card to my foster family. shit. visit to johor?not likely. haih.
so, yeah, i'm in a total nerd mode right now. as all A2 candidates, exam is in 3 and a half months time. much syllabus yet to cover, not to mention my further maths. and yeah, studies might be boring, and self study can be lonely and suffocating. but hey, its A levels, what do you expect??buck up already, people.
i have so much to catch up, with so many people i have in mind. argh. i so miss the long chats we can have anytime anywhere. BUT. i rarely even online, not to mention attend gatherings.haih.
til then?
HAPPY CNY, people.
chaoz~
Friday, January 14, 2011
me and miss SIO LENG HUE=]
haha. yep!!this post is dedicated to miss sio leng hue!!!my partner and best friend in so many ways, after 4 years knowing each other..haha..i specially dig out all the photos of me and miss pretty sio..to share our sweet once upon a time..haha..
"17. sit beside me in class for 3 years...noe her since we were arranged to sit together in form 3...most memorable thing said, 'i wanna go toilet' 'i wanna sleep' 'i'm hungry' etc..most memorable thing done shud be when she ponteng class and leave me alone in class...wakakaka..no la..tempt me to eat grapes or other edible stuff in class is also memorable=] A jellyfish or cute animal socks with ears are what i'll remember her by..haha"
lol. this was a description i wrote for leng hue in my old blog when i was 'tagged by louise' in july 2009 ..so this is how miss sio live her secondary school life!!NOW i remember..haha..
and wee~~we have soooo many photos for leng hue to remember me by!!
2010 sports day..i rmb leng sleeping in ttc early in the morning..haha..isin't her head round and cute????
you tian's wedding..thx god she's there to keep me company..great times=]
prom!!!!!been crazy bout it for months. how i begged leng hue to go. lol.
ws and us make a perfect 3 8 gang=]
i was wondering why i'm holding leng hue's hand like that..then i remembered, we were in a middle of a mafia game..lol.
this should be our last photo in form 5??haha..
haha..this is a picture post only..more later..bye=]
"17. sit beside me in class for 3 years...noe her since we were arranged to sit together in form 3...most memorable thing said, 'i wanna go toilet' 'i wanna sleep' 'i'm hungry' etc..most memorable thing done shud be when she ponteng class and leave me alone in class...wakakaka..no la..tempt me to eat grapes or other edible stuff in class is also memorable=] A jellyfish or cute animal socks with ears are what i'll remember her by..haha"
lol. this was a description i wrote for leng hue in my old blog when i was 'tagged by louise' in july 2009 ..so this is how miss sio live her secondary school life!!NOW i remember..haha..
and wee~~we have soooo many photos for leng hue to remember me by!!
2010 sports day..i rmb leng sleeping in ttc early in the morning..haha..isin't her head round and cute????
you tian's wedding..thx god she's there to keep me company..great times=]
prom!!!!!been crazy bout it for months. how i begged leng hue to go. lol.
GRADUATION!!wearing our brand new class-t
ws and us make a perfect 3 8 gang=]
fringe and braces gang!!!why the hell did we choose this picture for class page..lol
class trip..how i con leng hue to go..wahahaha..
nice nice 'romantic' photo=]
i was wondering why i'm holding leng hue's hand like that..then i remembered, we were in a middle of a mafia game..lol.
this should be our last photo in form 5??haha..
haha..this is a picture post only..more later..bye=]
Sunday, January 9, 2011
flipping through the old pages...
just took a visit to my old blog, "sheep in the big city"..and, sadly again, realized that my old blog is much much happier than this new one. filled with photos, coloured words, words of different sizes, and lastly total truthfulness. not that i ever lie in my blog, but in this one, as you may notice (or not), many things are hidden, not reported, or hopefully forgotten and not reminded by. i notice i've write stuff like, 'i love you, juniors!!!!', ' missing you already,my friends, who and who, 5s7!!', in my old blog, totally and truly full with emotion at the time. lol. while now, i may just have written like, what?oh ya, 'may you be well.' lol.
well, i've flip through this blog as well, and noticed that the happier tone is only during the months of july and august, when i've joined the 21st community service. haha. ya, that's a really nice event, bout 2 to 3 months long...ya, freak like me love activities, missions, tasks, challenges..things like having fun in a mall shopping, karaoke, sight seeing, (or worse, a club) or something rarely excites me..
people always say live in the now, live in the now. but, memories and past are so pretty that sometimes you just want to taste that happiness, simplicity, passion, and emotion at that particular times, again, and maybe again and again and again..
well. today is the last day of my holidays. BACK TO SCHOOL. argh. don't know happy or sad. one thing is i hate inti and one thing is i so miss studying already. haha. quite used to emotionless these days. anyway, i've finally make progress in the art works i'm talking about!!haha. sooo glad its still in my blood. hee!!!(really quite proud of myself) coz i'm lacking and lacking contact with each of my friends that i so treasure, so i usually like to make handmade souvenirs for them to remember me by!! besides that, i'm recollecting memories of all my old art works. they're like my handmade collections or something, just that they're in other people's hands, taking care of them for me.haha. hopefully i can post it here some day to remember them by..
ok. last day of holiday. having A2 this year. so, as usual in my old blog, i'll say something like this at this kinda moment...
BUCK UP!!!!!
haha..its a message dedicated to all of you.. good days to you..and by the way, its a new year already, who knows maybe things would get better=]
til then.
chaoz~
well, i've flip through this blog as well, and noticed that the happier tone is only during the months of july and august, when i've joined the 21st community service. haha. ya, that's a really nice event, bout 2 to 3 months long...ya, freak like me love activities, missions, tasks, challenges..things like having fun in a mall shopping, karaoke, sight seeing, (or worse, a club) or something rarely excites me..
people always say live in the now, live in the now. but, memories and past are so pretty that sometimes you just want to taste that happiness, simplicity, passion, and emotion at that particular times, again, and maybe again and again and again..
well. today is the last day of my holidays. BACK TO SCHOOL. argh. don't know happy or sad. one thing is i hate inti and one thing is i so miss studying already. haha. quite used to emotionless these days. anyway, i've finally make progress in the art works i'm talking about!!haha. sooo glad its still in my blood. hee!!!(really quite proud of myself) coz i'm lacking and lacking contact with each of my friends that i so treasure, so i usually like to make handmade souvenirs for them to remember me by!! besides that, i'm recollecting memories of all my old art works. they're like my handmade collections or something, just that they're in other people's hands, taking care of them for me.haha. hopefully i can post it here some day to remember them by..
ok. last day of holiday. having A2 this year. so, as usual in my old blog, i'll say something like this at this kinda moment...
BUCK UP!!!!!
haha..its a message dedicated to all of you.. good days to you..and by the way, its a new year already, who knows maybe things would get better=]
til then.
chaoz~
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011
The arrival of year 2011, indicates that i'm one more year older. age of 19, getting into university soon. the big word 'mahasiswi' 'll soon apply to me. not longer a teenager and approaching adulthood in full speed. hmmm..its only one year since i graduate from secondary school, yet i feel that my secondary school self seem already so far away. its like from age 17 to 19 is a very very big gap.. i don't feel this way when i'm from 13 to 15, or 15 to 17..
new year. feel like a whole new era this time..many friends flying off to other countries soon. so its not like i could see them now or then anymore, like last year. separation will indeed be, well, separation. no more hanging out or saying hi in similar colleges like inti, sunway or taylor's, as each now will really spread all over the world, each into different pathway, different universities, different lives and culture. yep, the path we walk on together for long, tough maybe many had remain on the same fork way for last one year, will soon reach yet another junction. this time, with hundreds of choices, not just the 5 or 6 common colleges, all long and windy, each leading into different lives and cultures, and who knows when is the next time we will meet again.
people say secondary school lives is the best times in our lives. so mine had reach an end, and could only continue to search my own way of life, my fork way at the junction and awaits people who i'll meet in the process.
friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. what and who awaits us beyond the junction have yet been known. we can only prepare ourselves, hope and do our best, and embrace the differences and changes once more.
to my friends, may everything be well when we parted, may each of us make best of what is given to us, and finally, may we meet again, for days yet to come=]
may all be well.
chaoz~
new year. feel like a whole new era this time..many friends flying off to other countries soon. so its not like i could see them now or then anymore, like last year. separation will indeed be, well, separation. no more hanging out or saying hi in similar colleges like inti, sunway or taylor's, as each now will really spread all over the world, each into different pathway, different universities, different lives and culture. yep, the path we walk on together for long, tough maybe many had remain on the same fork way for last one year, will soon reach yet another junction. this time, with hundreds of choices, not just the 5 or 6 common colleges, all long and windy, each leading into different lives and cultures, and who knows when is the next time we will meet again.
people say secondary school lives is the best times in our lives. so mine had reach an end, and could only continue to search my own way of life, my fork way at the junction and awaits people who i'll meet in the process.
friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. what and who awaits us beyond the junction have yet been known. we can only prepare ourselves, hope and do our best, and embrace the differences and changes once more.
to my friends, may everything be well when we parted, may each of us make best of what is given to us, and finally, may we meet again, for days yet to come=]
may all be well.
chaoz~
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