life??

okay..life is the best now..freedom, people, relaxation, everything is good. i have a long holiday, before i start university few weeks later, and i'm enjoying every minute of it. mm hmm..i wake and sleep whatever time i want, i can finally follow series and dramas whole day long, i meet my beloved friends, share stories, have actual conversations, how cool is that??compared to the stupid busy study shut out life i have in a levels. you know, a levels is really unhealthy, it gave me a stupid , bad habit. that is to act, or is really being busy when people is around me. as in study, think, listn song or something, so i can AVOID conversations. ya, i actually AVOID conversations with people around me, coz at that time, my life is so lifeless i don't wanna talk anything with people around me. aiks. but whatever, those days are over, and i need to, and have as much free time as possible to connect with people again. yep, people is my priority now. so anyway, that's my near future resolution, put people first before my work. that's how simple it should be. taking baby steps.

but then today, came a sudden call from certain person, make my whole mind thinking again. i know this is the long existed problem i'm having, but because its like a far future problem, i put it off my mind again and again. yep, the call is about my future. as in my REAL 10 years 20 years later future. what do i want to be? an engineer. duh, says certain voice in my head. but of course myself knows that its not about my occupation, but the 'person' that i want to be. haih. yep. what a HUGE question. how is anyone gonna answer that right here right now? and of course i know now is the ideal time to think about it, or else after university starts, i'll be like too busy or too occupied or once again drift along with the 'flow' people is going, and then i'll never 'find' myself..study, graduate, work in a good company to gain experience, maybe climb the corporate ladder, maybe not, accept the 'so-call' reality and lost my chance to live my own life??is it that bad?to follow the 'flow'.. argh.

so. is it not true that people who like physics and maths should choose the engineering field?is it not true that there'll be a big chance i'll love the job of analysing, designing whatsoever tecnical job?and the certain call advised me to open my mind and go through the whole process of 'finding' my 'calling' in this world??hasn't i gone through that already?from the whole lot of choices, i picked off arts, language, business, then bio related fields, then of course at last, left with the rational choice of a moderate, not too expensive, professional , and suite my interests course-ENGINEERING. so now some how i've got it all wrong and maybe i should be in advertising or management or something i don't know??how should i freaking choose this.

argh. of course, i really hoped that certain call would come earlier, not AFTER i just registered an paid for a university. but i KNEW it would be like this, its the second time already, the first is when long ago i almost decided to study QS at UTAR, kedah. argh. but of course, i know its not the call's fault, its my own future, its very kind and sweet to be concerned about it for me, maybe they won't be other person who would do that for me, and maybe it could be a wrong choice for me??i'm really grateful for the call, really, i am. but freaking need to consider the whole sea of options again is stressing me out.

one word. PARADIGM. too bad i'm not brought up to be a person full of dreams and hopes and ambitions and adventures. i'm brought up by a pharmacist and a teacher, so, more or less, i would like to be in my confort zone, a stable life, a stable job, a routine life with some free time i can do happy things with people i care. i don't even have a dream like opening a kindergarden or something. or changing the world, saving lives, saving trees?? what do i want?or need?? of course, the time has changed, i know that. its not the industrial age anymore. its the 'knowledge or something like that' age now. paradigm, the lens of seeing the world. its not something that you can change overnight. its something planted in you regarding how you are brought up. i would like to change. i would like to do what people seems fun. travel, invent something, save humanity, be the saint like person, or the leader of some super huge company, or whatever awesome stuff people do. is it wrong not to have such big dreams?do i really need to change who i am now? do i really need to rack my brain to figure out why i was born?or how to place my mark in this world?is the 'flow' really bad?

i would like to change. i would like to be better, in my own ways. what's the heck with engineering?is it really not suitable for girls?=.= what the hell.

thanks for the questions, the whole lot of them, but no answers. argh.

the future in the long run is a great unknown. how should i plan anything when i don't know what i want in life?or rather i'm okay with everything in life. bring it on! my 'calling' ??what the heck is that?! why can't i leave it to the 'future me' to decide? T.T

i think the problem here is i don't believe much... #$@*##^&@!!

hrm. i should believe.

still thinking. i believe i believe i believe.

chaoz for now~