Pessimism

It seems like pessimism comes more naturally to me. Is it because of the narrow mindset of the Chinese, where parents tell you how impossible is it to do something different? Is it because I'm so used to this closed environment that I'm so afraid to step out? Is it because of my Aquarius Pieces CUSP horoscope which is infamous with overthinking and worrying? Or is it because thinking all the negative stuff is so much easier than to tackle the real problem and to face the fear head on.

Indeed, the environment I'm living in, does not promote optimism at all. But, it doesn't mean that I should be blinded by the environment and continue to swim in the darkness, and never resurface. Optimism definitely need more of my usual energy, but optimism is the only way out. Optimism is not a choice, it is a must. Pessimism is not an excuse for a healthy young individual, it's an escape route for cowards. 

Buck up. Think and strive for the good things! Do not worry for all the problems in your selfish mind. There will ALWAYS be endless problems. But there is the choice to face and conquer them and focus on the important things. 

Stop freaking out. What ever will be will be. Que sera sera. Leave the future to the Future Me. Help Future Me build values and positive strengths. Exercise positiveness.

Trials of Life

2014 had been a doubtful year for me. I'm doubtful of my course, of my path, of my choice, of my own being. 2014 left me undecided on things at many levels. 2014 had me feeling scared to step out and yet anxious to escape. 2014 had me tied down to the junction and I don't know how to leave it. The time to make THE choice is getting nearer, and I'm getting more anxious and panicky every passing second.

Take the leap of faith. To what? I feel like playing mee nee mee nee my nee moe to choose the next step. What am I so afraid of? failing? not really. the unknown? not so. I'm fearing of revealing myself to the real world, I guess. I'm fearing of being the black sheep in the real world. The odd one. The awkward one. The weird one. 

After all these years, I'm so not prepared to face the outside world. I already feel that I don't belong at home, in school, in uni and in front of any strangers. I'm self conscious the moment I open my mouth to talk to people. I'm already judging myself before others judge me. And the thing about Malaysians, they do judge you. Ya, I can just put that aside and not care about what others think. But the problem is that I'm judging myself. Why do I speak like that? why stutter? It's inappropriate to comment. It's bad if I can't answer the question well. What do I say next? What if everyone hates me and I end up alone?

You see, I always find problem within myself. Always. I can't relax. Even now, at home, with graduation in half a year's time, I'm already panicking of what would happen next, palpitating, restless. And I think, of the universe and the meaning of life. And the POINT which I'm placed on earth. Is it to gain more? To enjoy? To give? To harness my potential? LOL which should I choose? reality or idealism. Money or simplicity. Be ambitious or be contented. Career or family. Superficial or spiritual. I feel old. I think what the old people think. What would it be that I want most when I finally die. Until I forget that I'm at the age where I should just TRY. Early twenties is when time is the greatest resource. Use the time to TRY everything then I'll know. I can't figure out life until I've tried all that I can try. 

It sucks that I don't know exactly which of the trials would bring me to the correct path. guess I'll have to make the long way around and just START trying until I get it right. 

THE TIME is near. I have to hurry to start the trials of life. The earlier I start, the sooner I'll get to the goal.

On a side note, I hope that the passion planner can help me sort things out. I hope that at the end of next year, I'll be a lot more than who I am today. Future me, please do your best! I might not have the money and wisdom, but time is my asset! For year 2015, the motto is just simple: time is gold.