Trials of Life

2014 had been a doubtful year for me. I'm doubtful of my course, of my path, of my choice, of my own being. 2014 left me undecided on things at many levels. 2014 had me feeling scared to step out and yet anxious to escape. 2014 had me tied down to the junction and I don't know how to leave it. The time to make THE choice is getting nearer, and I'm getting more anxious and panicky every passing second.

Take the leap of faith. To what? I feel like playing mee nee mee nee my nee moe to choose the next step. What am I so afraid of? failing? not really. the unknown? not so. I'm fearing of revealing myself to the real world, I guess. I'm fearing of being the black sheep in the real world. The odd one. The awkward one. The weird one. 

After all these years, I'm so not prepared to face the outside world. I already feel that I don't belong at home, in school, in uni and in front of any strangers. I'm self conscious the moment I open my mouth to talk to people. I'm already judging myself before others judge me. And the thing about Malaysians, they do judge you. Ya, I can just put that aside and not care about what others think. But the problem is that I'm judging myself. Why do I speak like that? why stutter? It's inappropriate to comment. It's bad if I can't answer the question well. What do I say next? What if everyone hates me and I end up alone?

You see, I always find problem within myself. Always. I can't relax. Even now, at home, with graduation in half a year's time, I'm already panicking of what would happen next, palpitating, restless. And I think, of the universe and the meaning of life. And the POINT which I'm placed on earth. Is it to gain more? To enjoy? To give? To harness my potential? LOL which should I choose? reality or idealism. Money or simplicity. Be ambitious or be contented. Career or family. Superficial or spiritual. I feel old. I think what the old people think. What would it be that I want most when I finally die. Until I forget that I'm at the age where I should just TRY. Early twenties is when time is the greatest resource. Use the time to TRY everything then I'll know. I can't figure out life until I've tried all that I can try. 

It sucks that I don't know exactly which of the trials would bring me to the correct path. guess I'll have to make the long way around and just START trying until I get it right. 

THE TIME is near. I have to hurry to start the trials of life. The earlier I start, the sooner I'll get to the goal.

On a side note, I hope that the passion planner can help me sort things out. I hope that at the end of next year, I'll be a lot more than who I am today. Future me, please do your best! I might not have the money and wisdom, but time is my asset! For year 2015, the motto is just simple: time is gold.