Drunk on Something

In this world, everyone is drunk on something. You have to be. As soon as you are born, when you are being exposed to the world, you find that you have to choose what do you want to get drunk on. We are granted this limited amount of empty time on planet earth, and to chase after things and what we are drunk on is how we pass time. It is how we gain ‘meaning’ to our existence. So, the question is, what are you drunk on?

Some chooses money. Some chooses power, knowledge and fame. Or beauty, thrill and excitement, and religion. And in the process of chasing after something, we will experience both joy and agony. Aye, everything is a trade off. Everything we chase, there is a cost. For me, I chase knowledge. Like many engineers and technical people, I find joy in learning the working of things and the logical reasoning behind problem solving. I enjoy quenching my thirst for knowledge by reading and talking to intellectual people. And I pay for the cost like so. I constantly feel that I am not smart enough, and that I need to learn these twenty other bunch of skills to be better, to be more eloquent, to be great. I feel inferior towards smart people who’ve achieved such and such at a mere young age. And I constantly beat myself up for falling behind a certain field of knowledge.

Aye, the price of getting drunk of something is that it will never be enough. And hence, it’s worth a little extra time to dig a little deeper into yourself. Why do you feel the need to constantly chase after what you are chasing? While it’s human nature to be drawn to things that we like or believe in, it is also useful to question and challenge the reasons that make us so. It is in this process that we can know what drives us and why. To know why is to accept our being as it is, and to accept is to be able to let go of certain expectations and hence help us feel a little better of why we are who we are. To understand what brings us agony will also allow us to ease that agony.

So, identify what it is that you are drunk on. Understand why it brings you joy, as well as agony. When you are mindful of such, you are in better control of your actions and thoughts. To understand is the first step to solving or fixing a problem. And mayhaps, when you know what it is that you are drunk on, you can continue to experience the joy it brings, and use it as a tool to achieve greater things, yet mindful of it so that you are not blindly controlled by it.

Starting Over

Remember that low point? Where I thought there’s just nothing more to lose, and I wanted to turn all the rage and sorrow into energy to build something. To have my sweet ‘revenge’ by being able to get back up, strive even higher, become even better, achieve even more. Starting over felt like a beacon of hope, endless new possibilities, and renewed motivation.

Fast forward one year. That feeling is long over. And starting over just felt like a hell lot of work, with lots of disadvantages, and an endless path of obstacles, filled with lots of frustrations and disappointments.

Also, starting over feels like i’m all alone and all of these are just too much to be dealt with alone. Starting over feels like I’m already so far behind everybody who has already began or who has done it. It could be lonely sometimes. Especially when you know that sometimes you need to detach yourself from the world to get some stuff worked out.

When starting over loses its initial phase of magical feelings, reality unfolds and reveals its true nature. There’s actually tonnes of messy, dirty, back-breaking ground work to be done. There’ll be sweat, tears, streams of swear words. There’ll be boredom, envy, disappointment, doubts, and times where even things that I thought I love will lose its meaning. This is not over exaggerating. This is reality. The mind will dwell. The body tires. The mind will wonder about the path not taken. Sometimes it is like one step forward and two steps back. And things just take time to change. It is the necessary suffer and pain in order to accomplish something big.

BUT, eventually, there will be one real WIN. one big WIN. maybe more than one. But there WILL be a time where I can breathe freely again. This, there is no doubt. This, I am not uncertain. Because, despite all, I have faith in myself and in my choice.

So, keep calm, and carry on, do what you already are doing. Just carry on.