Imagine

If i would imagine. I see that I'm well past my insecurities and self judgement issues, I'm well at ease with myself, and that I could speak calmly and confidently.

No, its not that I want to be what i am not, but rather imagining what I can become. If engineering did killed my artistic side, I can't allow it to stop me from imagining.

Now to think of it, its a while since i imagine the future. Ya, i day dream a lot, but not imagining. Imagining is visualizing, setting a goal, and knowing that it could be achieved.

If I would imagine, I see I'll be a happy person with the capability of taking care of myself and the ones i love, doing things which I'm good at, and surrounded by people I love. To tell the truth, I was kinda at a failure with that, as I don't keep in touch my any of my A levels friends, and in uni, my previous gang of friends has broken into a thousand pieces. Also, I imagine I'm healthy and in control of my body (looks like I have to start exercising again). If I'm at ease, happiness would come, as well as friendship and everything good in the world.

Now with the picture in my mind. the goal is set. All is the power of the mind. Cultivate the mind!

And yes I just read the book "the monk who sold his ferrari". Read a few pages and its a good wake up call. Lack of positive energy around me and I have to create my own.

Imagine, before I make another step that would set me off track.

I'm a Math Nerd

okay. so few weeks before the semester resumes, I freaked out instead of staying relaxed and enjoying my holidays. I was nervous about my FYP topic when I heard there are more lecturers than students from my batch, which would mean that only one student may work under one lecturer. I wanted to avoid the situation where all the suitable topics being picked by the others and went ahead to schedule an appointment with a lecturer.

Anyways, the good news is, I got a topic! in a field which I wanted. The bad news is, it sounds like a really difficult topic. How difficult? Well the first two topics he gave me to choose is "Lasso Group Signal Decomposition" and "Uniformity in Multi Dimensions". Ya, I don't know what they means either. And finally, he settled me with a third topic instead of the two, namely "Signal Excitation Modelling". Ya, I'm suppose to model the excitement of signals, by derivation of equations and sorts I guess @@

And, as opposed to the previous post, I'm feeling hopeful again somehow. Remembered what I said about choosing the wrong course? I think that's just because of the stress from exams. Now exams are all far and over, and I got my pretty results, engineering once again don't seem like the wrong course at all! Haha, ya you can call me fickle minded.

The thing is, I'm drawn to math. In the past, present, and in my FYP, more than ever. And I think that's the reason why I chose engineering over architecture. And even though electronics isn't my favorite thing in the world, E&E does involve a lot of math, as compared to the other courses. So, even though I've diverted slightly from the pure mathematics, I'm still doing applied math, in a way.

How am I drawn to math? well, in primary school, math is easily my best and most favorite subject. Every school holidays during year end, as all kids in the school, I would restock new tutorial books for the following year. And of all the books, math would be the first book I open and finish. And I always finish them even before the year starts and had to buy another one. Which I would probably finish in another two weeks. I was kinda obsess with Maths. Maths is like the sudoku for me. Also, I'm obsess with winning the school math competition and I look forward to it every year. Call me a nerd.

In high school? well, after the pmr, I got so bored I borrowed kumon exercise sheets from my friend, Crystal. I got a whole stack and finished it during the holidays. It was just algebra and factorization but it's quite new to a pmr student like me at that time. omg, I am a nerd!!

And in form 4? I LOVE add Maths. It's the first homework I'll finish and I always immediately consult my senior, Seng yeang whenever I have a slightest doubt. And I got this pelangi analysis series questions, which I attempted until late night, until I'm confident that I got hold of the chapter. NERD ALERT.

And after high school? Add Maths became the subject I want to teach. not anything else. Not languages or history or biology. Just add Maths. Not to mention again I self studied Further Maths in A levels, even though I didn't need to. But I wanted to, and I went to several friends to help me out, Yee Min, Hua Chern, Js, Yeng Joe. Ya and the epic moment when I'm the only candidate sitting for this paper at INTI. And scored! heh.

Obsessed. Aren't I? So now, for the FYP, it only makes sense that I'm drawn to the field in Optimization, Estimation, and Numerical Methods, which is what became of mathematics in the field of  engineering. 

Okay. I'm not just a nerd. I'm a math geek. And I'm writing all this down, in case one day I begin to doubt that I'm in the wrong course again. Because, I am not! I have indeed chosen math and math again consistently over the years, which is indeed what I do best and what I like best. I don't know where this math will bring me in future. But I think, when the choices presents themselves again one day, I will definitely go for Maths.

Yay! Found something close to my "calling". And ya, you can call me delay jie for realizing this only recently. lol.