You know me, I'm not a people person. I either try too hard to stick with people, or I drift away. I'm imbalance in dealing with people and that's what I was trying to work at, given the time I have on hand.
Upon finishing my exams, I got so excited, and terribly guilty for letting the old friends disappear in my life. So I try to make a change. I made the first move. I'm so hyped up that I'm about to reconcile with my friends again!
And then reality sets in. And I did not foresee it coz I was being too hyped up. I was living in my ideal world. Reality is, years have passed. And we are already drifted apart. And a few friendly messages do not just simply magicked away that fact. So the conversations got stuck. The diplomatic friendly exchange is made and there's nothing extra to say. Some one stopped replying. And no one pretends that it would be the same as before.
So why did I? naive. stupid maybe. Friendship isn't something as simple as that. Investment has to be made. Extra steps need to be taken. Or maybe not. Maybe for some cases, over is over. it ain't good to forcefully bring back the past. And closure is needed, for some cases. Let the past be in the past.
People, is my worst flaw, disappointment and enemy. Other stuff I can deal with. But, people, I have no control whatsoever. Yet, it's the people that bring colour and beautiful things to my life. That's why my life feels so difficult. I'm constantly battling against and for the people in my life.
I'm troubled, but I accept. It's only our perspective that can be changed. You do the best you can, and you can live with it, regardless of the outcome. Have closure. when people stop replying. Have closure. When friends whom were once so close to you, but now no longer in your life. Have closure. When some people just don't want you there anymore. Have closure, when times are different, and people change, and things change.
Why this realization? I have experience. a lot of bad ones. I was a bully, a terrible bully that has no regards of others feelings. I was a stalker who refuses to admit that I have feelings. I held a grudge for two weeks until I got depressed. I was absent mentally, in so many occasions, that it's like I was not even there. And all these guilts and worries and grudge got to me, and burdens me, and made me even the more socially impaired.
Now that you know, appreciate it when it's still there. Appreciate the unexpected turns of events and surprises in life. Appreciate those who stay on regardless the changes, despite any disputes, against all odds of life. Appreciate that always, forgive the past, and have closure when the rest move on.
