Drunk on Something

In this world, everyone is drunk on something. You have to be. As soon as you are born, when you are being exposed to the world, you find that you have to choose what do you want to get drunk on. We are granted this limited amount of empty time on planet earth, and to chase after things and what we are drunk on is how we pass time. It is how we gain ‘meaning’ to our existence. So, the question is, what are you drunk on?

Some chooses money. Some chooses power, knowledge and fame. Or beauty, thrill and excitement, and religion. And in the process of chasing after something, we will experience both joy and agony. Aye, everything is a trade off. Everything we chase, there is a cost. For me, I chase knowledge. Like many engineers and technical people, I find joy in learning the working of things and the logical reasoning behind problem solving. I enjoy quenching my thirst for knowledge by reading and talking to intellectual people. And I pay for the cost like so. I constantly feel that I am not smart enough, and that I need to learn these twenty other bunch of skills to be better, to be more eloquent, to be great. I feel inferior towards smart people who’ve achieved such and such at a mere young age. And I constantly beat myself up for falling behind a certain field of knowledge.

Aye, the price of getting drunk of something is that it will never be enough. And hence, it’s worth a little extra time to dig a little deeper into yourself. Why do you feel the need to constantly chase after what you are chasing? While it’s human nature to be drawn to things that we like or believe in, it is also useful to question and challenge the reasons that make us so. It is in this process that we can know what drives us and why. To know why is to accept our being as it is, and to accept is to be able to let go of certain expectations and hence help us feel a little better of why we are who we are. To understand what brings us agony will also allow us to ease that agony.

So, identify what it is that you are drunk on. Understand why it brings you joy, as well as agony. When you are mindful of such, you are in better control of your actions and thoughts. To understand is the first step to solving or fixing a problem. And mayhaps, when you know what it is that you are drunk on, you can continue to experience the joy it brings, and use it as a tool to achieve greater things, yet mindful of it so that you are not blindly controlled by it.

Starting Over

Remember that low point? Where I thought there’s just nothing more to lose, and I wanted to turn all the rage and sorrow into energy to build something. To have my sweet ‘revenge’ by being able to get back up, strive even higher, become even better, achieve even more. Starting over felt like a beacon of hope, endless new possibilities, and renewed motivation.

Fast forward one year. That feeling is long over. And starting over just felt like a hell lot of work, with lots of disadvantages, and an endless path of obstacles, filled with lots of frustrations and disappointments.

Also, starting over feels like i’m all alone and all of these are just too much to be dealt with alone. Starting over feels like I’m already so far behind everybody who has already began or who has done it. It could be lonely sometimes. Especially when you know that sometimes you need to detach yourself from the world to get some stuff worked out.

When starting over loses its initial phase of magical feelings, reality unfolds and reveals its true nature. There’s actually tonnes of messy, dirty, back-breaking ground work to be done. There’ll be sweat, tears, streams of swear words. There’ll be boredom, envy, disappointment, doubts, and times where even things that I thought I love will lose its meaning. This is not over exaggerating. This is reality. The mind will dwell. The body tires. The mind will wonder about the path not taken. Sometimes it is like one step forward and two steps back. And things just take time to change. It is the necessary suffer and pain in order to accomplish something big.

BUT, eventually, there will be one real WIN. one big WIN. maybe more than one. But there WILL be a time where I can breathe freely again. This, there is no doubt. This, I am not uncertain. Because, despite all, I have faith in myself and in my choice.

So, keep calm, and carry on, do what you already are doing. Just carry on.

Writing

I’m not a good writer, but I’m in love with writing. Writing is my outlet to connect with myself, to clarify, at a 3rd person’s point of view. And writing brings so much joy and pride to myself. It’s black and white proof, that I’m still sane, I’m still in control, and I’m still free, to express, to imagine and to live.

“Don’t forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, we regard ourselves as a friend.” - Eat Pray Love. I really love this sentence, and I especially find truth in this in writing. Also one of the reasons why I’m still active in twitter. I need this outlet.

But just as I’m managing my mind, I’m now managing my words. The stories I tell myself, the words I used to define my life. Powerful, calming, free words that bring about the true thoughts of my mind. I just love the feeling that I can understand myself and write things out into a clear picture.

I really did consider making this writing thing more serious. Like writing topics that really interest me, instead of just mindless rantings. Purposeful words. Intriguing topics. It’ll be a great project, right?

While my career is all logical and analytical, I want to keep my artistic side alive through writing, and also through art craft making and home design projects. 

I am such a person who finds joy in little specific things. =)

The Mind Game

The first quarter of year 2017 has been a hectic one, in my head. As some of you might have heard, I was looking for a change in my career. A desperate change. And if you know me, well, I was not the most equipped person to deal with change.

I should have calmed down. But, I couldn't, at first. I was dealing with the frustration at work, the frustration at job hunting, the frustration of not knowing what to choose, and the frustration at trying to study and learn everything at once. And what happened after all these frustrations?? I failed the interview for my supposingly dream job. I was too worked up, too stressed up, too obssessed about a job that I thought as my only way out, that I just screwed up the interview. And fall sick. Low blood pressure, fever, cough, flu for about a month.

Lesson learnt? Yea. Nothing was achieved. And of course I wasn't able to 'enjoy' the journey of chasing my dream when I was so caught up in my worries and brooding and fears. And so, to recover, I calmed down. This turned into a mind game. Its no longer the how-can-I-become-a-data-scientist-as-fast-as-possible game. It became the mind game. The game of how to train my mind to cope with the change, gradually, persistently, and happily.

And, it is not easy. My mind was very loud and chaotic. Was. I have successfully managed to stand guard at the gateway my mind, managing my thoughts. Again, not easy, not 100% full proof managed. But definitely significant improvement that I am able to calm down and enjoy my day-to-day activities, and let time bring out the change I want gradually.

And now, you can congratulate me. I have found a new job =) Not the job which I had in mind when I started out job hunting, but I believe it will be a very good job nonetheless. I'm at a happy place, I'm studying diligently, and I'm enjoying the process, very much.

Managing the mind is a daily practice. I have to love myself more in the process, forgive myself for the mistakes I made, and think of more good thoughts. I'm finally feeling like myself again, calmed, and able to give out more positive aura. Sorry neighbours who had to deal with my grumpiness during that period of time. And I thank the authors of Eat Pray Love, and The Monk who Sold His Ferrarri, which have taught me and reminded me about mind managing. And also a big thank you to the Ancient Indian Monks who invented Yoga. Great great activity to calm the mind and rejuvenate the soul.

Defining Year

I have high hopes for year 2017. This year is very much my defining year. This year is the year where I have nothing more to lose, but everything to gain. This is the year where I can decide my destiny. Some points in life bring clarity into your life, and you are left with nothing but the desire to move forward.

Things can only get better from now on. I trust that now I finally have the right attitude towards life. I'm finally embracing adulthood I guess. One thing Dubai has taught me is that life can be so happy and beautiful by just bringing in the right attitude to life every single day. Simple as that. Attitude. And the people here in Dubai makes this so easy. Multicultural environment is so fun and challenging in the sense that, everyday you are asking yourself to understand, accept and respect people who are so different from one another. Good vibe and energy in the office is really infectious, and it does wonders to people. People commit willingly, responsibly, and they put their best foot forward at work every single day. Hats off to the leadership of this office, for making this possible and happy for everyone.

I'm now practicing mindfulness everyday. It is still SO HARD to discipline my mind. But at least I'm always consciously trying to be aware of my thoughts everyday. I'm also thankful for this three months of self explore. I've learnt to be happy while being completely alone and I could learn listen to myself so much better while being away from my chaotic homeland for awhile. And also I think I could finally be at peace with who I am and forgive myself with my flaws. This is really good progress for me.

Malaysians, let's be less judgemental, less crude, and be kinder towards others okay? It will bring about change not only towards others, but more so towards yourself.

One Year

Passed the one year mark since I have started working. In gatherings, the conversations surround a singular topic - career. Our generation, the company management, the job market, the path. We are finally all official working adults.

Well, for me, this one year has indeed been an adventure, more of an internal one, rather than the physical one. Without the syllables of any more course work, growth has been increasingly more abstract. What should I go into, how should I do this, where should I look? 

For me, the answer is always Google. I have not acquired the mentor of my career and life. And I have tonnes of questions and skills which I wish I have/ want to build. The most natural thing I could do is Google it. sometimes find and read a book about it. 

The problem is, there is no outlined coursework, no deadlines, no rewards, no pressure, no commitments (yet). Without discipline, it's too easy to sway from the work required to be done to achieve something. Without urgency, procrastination and laziness set in.

I'm turning 25 next year, while I think that I have somewhat overcome my quarter life crisis, I need to start focusing my energy diligently into building my identity. No fear, stay positive, be nice, and grow great. I hope for all the energy, patience and courage in building up myself. Half of my 20s is over, when else to embrace youth other than now? 

Twenties

How can I not panic. HOW? I mean, for my whole life I've been following some sorta fixed schedule. And then I'm finally released into the real society. To work to earn and to live. Suddenly there are lights of hope everywhere, and the same amount of death traps everywhere. The universe say: off you go. do whatever you want!

The thing is, you have just to let go and try. There's 1000 worries in my head, regrets, longing, brooding, fear, of the past and of the future. But I have to let go an focus on the present. Do not compare. Do not brood on those that have been gone. Do not worry of the future. Do not fear of the unknown and possibility of failure.  It's hard to discipline my mind. But we have to accept that life is bittersweet. Happy ending does not come without hardships and challenges in life. And I already know exactly what should I do to achieve wholesomeness and good life.

Work hard, persevere, be positive, hope, build identity capital, be positive, be kind, be nice, keep in touch, be open minded, take care of my health, try new things etc etc. The thing is, this is a difficult list. In this harsh, mean society, it's so easy to get bitter and angry and lazy. Reality is hitting you in the face, wave after wave trying to tear your confidence and your patience and your soft heart apart. Temptations leading you off course begging you to procrastinate and put off that life changing plan again and again. Yet you must climb beyond all that to achieve greatness. 

Happiness is not free. It is the outcome of what you are willing to suffer. We must constantly manifest the things that would bring us happiness and blessings.

Inspired from: Eat pray love, TedTalk's 30 is not the new 20, and 50 things to do to build identify capital (basically the things that I have been reading and watching recently). For me, this is the true path. This would very much define my twenties.

First Job

Yes, new stage of life! Starting Monday. I'm officially a Field Application Engineer!!! Not that that's what I imagine to be when I started job hunting. In fact, I have no idea what I want to be, right now. But after attending several interviews, product development and research work doesn't appeal to me anymore. The fact of being locked up in a lab in a huge factory feels exactly like going back to school. And, at this point, I just feel that I want to get out of the lab. Technical stuff is not enough for me anymore. I need to be more. I want to grow to be more. 

Is it fate? When I applied for this first job, I'm not appealed to it at all. In fact, I was looking for something technical like design or process engineer. This job just gets in the way and I apply it anyways. Then, this is the first call I got, right after the day I sent the application! The first interview I attend. And the more I research about it, the more appealing it becomes! Then, it's also the first offer I got! Seriously, the whole process takes like 2 weeks, and tadahhhh, I'm hired and about to start work straight away.

Anyways, the field application engineer's job scope to is liase between the customer side and the manufacturing side. It's technical, yet also requires lots of communication. So, it's kinda versatile. After being cooped up in uni for so long, I seek for a balance between technical and non-technical. I NEED BALANCE.

Also, I have not even start working. So of course in my mind my first job is going to be rainbows and unicorns. I don't how much would reality deviate. Maybe I would be back here to rant and complain in less than a week. Oh wells. I have to start some where. 

til then. ciao!

Quarter Life Crisis

Is it over dramatic to call this a quarter life crisis? I think not. I am at the point of life where everything turns, or rather changes. Turning point. Point of no return (is it?). 

At this point, I don't know what to choose. That's the flaw of the education system. You rush and rush your education until when you've finally come to the end of it, you don't now what's next.

My strategy? Try and see. seriously, I don't know anyway better.

And the problem? I'm worry sick. which is not helping. And therefor here I am to remind myself to be at the present. And tell my self, this. is. it.

This is it. The now. the moment. I cannot worry about the million things that could go wrong in the future. I cannot keep looking back asking questions why I am here. All I have is now. My time, my knowledge, my people. This is what I have, right here, right now. This is it. No more, no less. Stop looking else where. Be in the now.

I have to focus on that. Coz I see myself worrying all the time, even though I have yet to submit any applications. I'm already worrying about where, what, and how I'm gonna work, when I'm not even there yet. What I need to do is to evaluate all the options that I have now. Prepare and approach all the options, as readily as I can. And enjoy the free time I have. 

I'm so blessed to have so much free time to do anything I want (no budget though), and I should focus on this rather than being worry.

the future is bright, not dark. Stop assuming the worst. Start here, start now. I am where I am and I am who I am. Crisis or not, I'll get through it just like everything else.

Dig Deep

A month has past. Since I've completed my degree. While its so fun and addictive to lay around watching Grey's Anatomy, the voice in my head starts growing stronger and louder, asking me to get my ass off the couch, and apply for a job already.

While getting a good job is very desirable, I'm too lazy to start preparing resumes and start attending interviews. Which, I'll have to do one way or another eventually. Most likely, September will be the month I start working. So there's exactly one month duration for me to get a job and hop on the train to my next stage of life.

Everyone in my home is also soon going on with their respective stages of life this coming September. Big sis has gotten a scholarship and is going to UK to pursue a MBA master degree. Little sis would be starting uni at Nottingham in Semenyih in a engineering course. So that means very soon, I'll be the only one left in my room. At least for a year.

Change is necessary. Change is good. Knowing that I would be alone soon, means that I have to get back out there soon. Hanging around at home won't do any good, especially knowing that the two sisters are out there learning and growing. I have to get out and learn about life too.

To do that, I have to dig deep. I've been feeling anti social and too much of an introvert lately. I have to remind myself to snap out of it and remind myself that that is not true. I have my social life all the while. Yes, even in Monash, until Year 2 anyways. It is Year 3 onwards that the workload got so heavy that I got out of all social activities. I was very active in high school. I was a prefect, joined the choir and the chinese orchestra group, participated in countless concerts and camps and events. And then I was involved in the 7-day community service and organize several events during my A levels, while working part time in TTC, while self studying and acing Further Maths. How cool is that?In Monash, I was selected to participate in the Engineering Leadership Program, a mentor-mentee program, and help started up the IEM student chapter. And there was one year where I was active in the D2Y buddhist youth club. Pretty active all the while until some things start to fall apart and I was stuck with a miserable all-study life.

So yea. I was active. And I have to get back to that. Being active. And being open to opportunities and greatness. I must dig out all my social personalities,  and believe that I am better than my all-study-no-life self. That was temporary even though necessary. For the thesis and assignments and projects. But, no more. Now I'm free to choose again. Yes, disasters happen all the time, even during the long list of awesome activities I've been involved in. I've broken down a significant number of times, I've lost contact and maybe even burn bridges with way too many friends, and I have failed in so many things. Yet experiences are experiences nevertheless. They made up the pages of the stories of my past. Beautiful and invaluable experiences with bittersweet memories.

So its time, to write a new page. To start afresh. To choose a new life. And that can only be done if I put in everything I have into the application of my first job. Choose wisely, carefully, open-minded-ly. With some luck, I just might be off to some great start.

closure

So it's the holidays, I've been spending a lot of time either chilling and reading at home or meeting people outside. And the thing about meeting people, it always manages to change certain perspective on certain things. For me, it's always like some sorta lesson.

You know me, I'm not a people person. I either try too hard to stick with people, or I drift away. I'm imbalance in dealing with people and that's what I was trying to work at, given the time I have on hand.

Upon finishing my exams, I got so excited, and terribly guilty for letting the old friends disappear in my life. So I try to make a change. I made the first move. I'm so hyped up that I'm about to reconcile with my friends again!

And then reality sets in. And I did not foresee it coz I was being too hyped up. I was living in my ideal world. Reality is, years have passed. And we are already drifted apart. And a few friendly messages do not just simply magicked away that fact. So the conversations got stuck. The diplomatic friendly exchange is made and there's nothing extra to say. Some one stopped replying. And no one pretends that it would be the same as before.

So why did I? naive. stupid maybe. Friendship isn't something as simple as that. Investment has to be made. Extra steps need to be taken. Or maybe not. Maybe for some cases, over is over. it ain't good to forcefully bring back the past. And closure is needed, for some cases. Let the past be in the past. 

People, is my worst flaw, disappointment and enemy. Other stuff I can deal with. But, people, I have no control whatsoever. Yet, it's the people that bring colour and beautiful things to my life. That's why my life feels so difficult. I'm constantly battling against and for the people in my life. 

I'm troubled, but I accept. It's only our perspective that can be changed. You do the best you can, and you can live with it, regardless of the outcome. Have closure. when people stop replying. Have closure. When friends whom were once so close to you, but now no longer in your life. Have closure. When some people just don't want you there anymore. Have closure, when times are different, and people change, and things change.

Why this realization? I have experience. a lot of bad ones. I was a bully, a terrible bully that has no regards of others feelings. I was a stalker who refuses to admit that I have feelings. I held a grudge for two weeks until I got depressed. I was absent mentally, in so many occasions, that it's like I was not even there. And all these guilts and worries and grudge got to me, and burdens me, and made me even the more socially impaired.

 

Now that you know, appreciate it when it's still there. Appreciate the unexpected turns of events and surprises in life. Appreciate those who stay on regardless the changes, despite any disputes, against all odds of life. Appreciate that always, forgive the past, and have closure when the rest move on.

The List

iThe time has come, to make not just another list, but The List. The List is a list that comprises everything that I want to do, I need to do, and I must do to utilize the unlimited free time starting from now.

Yes, you may have heard, I HAVE COMPLETED MY DEGREE!!!!!! I am officially unemployed. I am done being a student! I am now awaiting my results, and will soon participate in my convocation making me a certified engineer.

So upon completion of my degree, of course i have unlimited free time, until i organize everything and start work. And so, there are 3 sections in The List, namely EVERYTHING-I-NEED-TO-GET-MY-FIRST-JOB, REFORM-OLD-BONDS, and ENJOY-FREE-TIME. tadahhh. This will give me balance, in dealing with reality, in fostering relationships with the beloveds and also in alone self learning time for myself.

EVERYTHING-I-NEED-TO-GET-MY-FIRST-JOB
Well, this is easily the most boring part of the list, nevertheless, its the most important part, not to mention that its the main reason of why this list is made at the first place: to make sure that i make get some real work done, amid all the fun.

Resume, LinkIn accound, Jobstreet account, online banking account... All this has to be done. And I have to consider the Research Assistant position offered by my FYP supervisor. And then of course, there is the researching and applying for real engineering jobs. Research and survey, as I dont know which field I would want to venture into. Now that I am finally out of the hopeless endless narrow tunnel of studying and assignments, I'm finally able to make choices in the broad daylight full of hope and options and opportunities,

REFORM-OLD-BONDS
Now, this is the tricky part. You see, in the process of getting to my engineering degree, which i have mentioned countless of times involves stressful studies and endless suffocating workloads, i have regretfully abandoned many of my friendship bonds. 

Now, with all the free time, I can start making contact with the old friends! Except that it didn't go very well. I didn't realize that, until I've tried. What do u say the the people which are not in your lives for the last 3-4 years. An update, and then?

It's not easy to repair, or reform. 

ENJOY-FREE-TIME

this is easily the easiest part. I'm doing so fine in following the grey's anatomy drama series, and the Game of Thrones novels. It's so much fun!!! I've been deprived of doing what I want and never had the oppurtunity to laze around during the semester, and now I have all the time in the world!

But, too much of the good thing ruins it. Now I need some self discipline and get working on other potential hobbies such as cooking and writing and drawing and shopping.

I foresee myself up and working in August. That's like 3 weeks from now. Now, i can finally say: Trust me, I'm an engineer.

#eatpraylove

Okay, this is a post that I've taken deliberate time to draft. I've recently finish reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It took me ages to finally complete this book, as it is the kinda book that needs to be read in small doses. There's a lot of details and feelings to be processed and needs mulling over in order for one to get this book properly. And it puts life into perspective and gave me so much to think about. So here, I just want to copy and record some of the quotes from the book, so that I would not forget.

My feelings for this book has its ups and downs. It took me a long time to get through the first one third of the book. As the first part of the book, the author describes about her complications and depressions after going through a divorce. There's a lot of frustrations, and it shows that how her sad feelings keep boiling over even though she has tried very hard to get over it (by going all the way to Italy to live and travel). I really disliked it and was thinking, why couldn't she get over with it after all this time? What is she doing wrong? Why does she end up brooding?

Well, that is something I want to avoid and rid of- brooding, overthinking. And after reading the first part, I was seriously thinking, am I one day going to face some shit in life and feel that amount of depression? Would I be able to handle it or would I just give in to brooding and suffer for the rest of my life?? Well, gratefully, the second and third part of the book- Pray and Love gave me lots of perspective and answers. And these quotes are from some of my favourite lines in the book:

1. The task at hand in Yoga is to find union- between mind and body, between the individual and her God, between our thoughts and the source of thoughts.

2. We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character.

3. You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

4. That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling separate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you're flawed and broken and alone instead of whole.

5. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier. Like what? Like love, like pure divine love.

6. The resting place of the mind is the heart.

7. We gallop through our lives like circus performances balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- on foot is on the horse called 'fate', the other on the horse called 'free will'. And the question you have to ask every day is, Which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying bout because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?

8. I can choose my thoughts. Admit to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where  they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismiss them.

9. Happiness is a consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

10. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to everyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

Drum Roll

Three more weeks, an era would officially end, for me. Me, the student who has been nothing more than a student all her life. Its time to join the big big world.

People change. 6 years ago, I have tried all my best to evade the things i dont like. People, politics. drama. That was why i chose engineering. Now, I learn that I could not and should not have avoid any of those stuff. The more I avoid, the more difficult it has become for me.

Life is a whole package. You need a little of everything to have a balance life. Balance, is what I dont get in my uni life. The circle I hang out with, all engineers, almost 100% study talk. No balance. My life style, 110% stressful and very very technical. No balance. Social life in uni, is almost negligible due to the workload. How do I enjoy uni life when the workload in order for me to graduate is so heavy that I don't even have time to leave the lab/room/class room?

I lost balance. I grew frustrated. More accurately, i become sick of studies. This is not right. Balance used to be my priority. That was why i have always joined clubs and societies in primary, secondary, and pre-U schools. But, not in Uni. Now, i managed to scraped through all my assignments, and i absolutely have no other social activities besides study (which is not one).

There's that. I'm graduating. Only too happy to end this era. I'm about to join another world, one which I have zero-knowledge for. For once, I would be a blank paper when I join this world. Now, 6 years after my choice of the course, I have to choose again.

And I choose, anything that would help me grow. I'm open to anything (except programming, its still alien to me upon graduating, that's how much I don't like it). I might want to do marketing engineering, sales engineering, work in a harsh environment at a plant. Actually, I don't know yet. Let me get back to this after my finals. I can only handle one thing at a time. One thing is for sure, after 6+5+1.5+4 years of study, i officially grew tired of it.

My Flaws and Selina

Yes, end of Week 11 and my mind still find time in between all the crazy workloads to reflect about life. And yesterday, I watched the interview of Selina about her recovery journey from the bad burnt in the fire accident. Yes, Selina from S.H.E. Ya, she's awesome, she's courageous, she's definitely Ms. Positive Energy. Yes she's an inspiration, a role model to all the females. Yes I was deeply touched by her story.

And, yet, I'm still stuck at where I am today. I would also want Future Me to thank me for not giving up on life. Amid all the mundane but super stressful workload and quarter life crisis, I must still accept that such is life, and a its a good happy life. I must believe in that. And work my ass off towards that -> a good and happy life.

And, the people. I'm a human, yet i fear human. In age of 23, I can already say that this is the biggest obstacle in my life. Humans. Talking. Emotional attachment. Responsibility. Originality. Judgement. Norm. Respect. Attitude. You see, some of them are just the right opposite of the others. Its impossible to be all of them just so to fit into all the places in the world. While wanting to do everything right, I lost my voice. I shut down. I closed up. And I got stuck, instead of getting to all the places in the world, I ended up not belonging anywhere.

Again, sometimes its just like taking  a leap of faith. I'm not the outgoing friendly outspoken cheerful people's favourite. But, I can be more attentive, kinder, more open minded and more respectful towards others. I can't form pretty dazzling words, but i can form constructive positive words. If I don't like the negative attitude people have towards me, I can forget about it and not let it get to me. Forget about what I cannot, and focus on what I can.

I can live a better and happier life, just because I can.

And. I have a final year report to complete within 4 days. This, I believe I also can.

And. sorry for the incoherent writing. I realized there is not much flow. I can't really think straight. Literally.

Mind

I have a poor mind. I'm fidgeting around, restless, anxious, and I'm palpitating. This is a signal, that I'm not happy with my state. I have tonnes to do, there are tonnes that I can do, yet, here I am, with my poor mind, stuck in this frustrated mindset.

Step out. Take the leap of faith. Go. Move. Do. Make it happen. 

The person I'm gonna spend most of my time with is myself. The person who will love me the most is myself. The things I can do to make myself happy can only be done by me. I know how. Just do.

I'm not a Christian. But ya, do not be conformed to this world. Instead, be transformed by the renewal of the mind. Yes this is good advice. All goes back to mind control. Make the mind a powerful one.

Harness, practice and train the mind.

change

however attached I am to my old life and character, life demands change. Change, is the only thing that wouldn't change.

I have found myself needing to redefine the meaning of friendship. Life demands it. Certain people are not worth the time and effort and kindness I have to give. I found myself spending my time on the wrong people. Certain people don't appreciate. They only require your presence, just to prove they are better is some way. They want not your heart, not your friendship. These people make you feel bad to feel good. They are not worth it.

Even family. Unconditional love. blah. Disappointment. Neglect. Some are not so unconditional, no. They want your attention, company and love. They use home as an excuse to let out. In fact, family members give you an opportunity to take a closer look of the heart of a human being. 看透了。Selfishness. Self centered ness. Hurtful and Mean. No, those good moments are not because they love you. But because they need your help and your concern. Need. not unconditional exchange.

A change of heart. A need to change to face all the unworthy ones. Being hurt repeatedly makes one learn and change. Anger fuels my confidence. One day I will be able to laugh off all the mean and cruel words. Be better is all I will be.

taken from http://expandedconsciousness.com/2014/10/13/10-powerful-sentences-to-help-change-your-perspective-on-life/

Feed the Heart

A warm trip with warm people really rejuvenates the soul. Indeed if you want to be at peace and happy, you have to feed the heart. Feeding the mind with knowledge is not enough. Feed the heart by getting to know people and enjoy their presence.

Tsk. Staying home for such a long time is unhealthy for my heart. Just yesterday, I found that I can sleep so well with a contented heart. Simple as that, be contented and you'll be happy. That's why, I thinking feeding the heart is the key a happy life and getting rid of dark eye circles.

Stop feeding the bloody mind with overthinking. Especially with stupid life analysis. Why do I always analyse life? An idle mind is a devil's playground. Need to keep myself busy, feed both my mind and heart with healthy food.

Lol. New discovery every single day. Why am I so weird.

2015

Hi, I'm freaking 23! Can you believe it? This naive, ignorant, simple girl has grown into a fully-grown 23 year old lady!!! In no time, I'll turn into some woman, some auntie and finally some old grandma @@

Yes yes. Time has caught up with me. There's no slowing down. Even more than any years before, THIS year is THE year. THE year when I will finally graduate from university and leave study life, probably forever. What would become of me? The simple girl who has done nothing best except of stuff which concerns studies throughout her entire life. Alas, que sera sera.

Life lessons probably awaits me. Tears and failures and mistakes. Well, let time teach me, let time hone me, let time change me, until probably another 20 years later, I would not recognize who I am today.

2015 is a new beginning, a turning point, a year of big decisions. 2015 is the year. My year. I made a planner for 2015 in the hope that I will utilize every waking moment of this year, to learn, to enjoy, to love. Future Me, please make good decisions.

As time pass, my feelings have grown more complicated and complex. I find that I cannot bring justice to my deep thoughts and feelings in these simple words. Looks like my heart has grown more that my vocabularies and words. What I wish to write, words do not flow. I blame Past Me for slacking in the study of languages. Now, it is up to Present Me to brush up my English!

P/S: A simple check when I'm lost. Ask myself this: Am I learning? Am I enjoying? Am I loving?

Pessimism

It seems like pessimism comes more naturally to me. Is it because of the narrow mindset of the Chinese, where parents tell you how impossible is it to do something different? Is it because I'm so used to this closed environment that I'm so afraid to step out? Is it because of my Aquarius Pieces CUSP horoscope which is infamous with overthinking and worrying? Or is it because thinking all the negative stuff is so much easier than to tackle the real problem and to face the fear head on.

Indeed, the environment I'm living in, does not promote optimism at all. But, it doesn't mean that I should be blinded by the environment and continue to swim in the darkness, and never resurface. Optimism definitely need more of my usual energy, but optimism is the only way out. Optimism is not a choice, it is a must. Pessimism is not an excuse for a healthy young individual, it's an escape route for cowards. 

Buck up. Think and strive for the good things! Do not worry for all the problems in your selfish mind. There will ALWAYS be endless problems. But there is the choice to face and conquer them and focus on the important things. 

Stop freaking out. What ever will be will be. Que sera sera. Leave the future to the Future Me. Help Future Me build values and positive strengths. Exercise positiveness.