peace of mind...NOT!

holidays. you think that I would be more likelier to have a peace of mind finally, right? NOT! so many thoughts have come across my mind the second the holidays have started. of both positive and negative. of both disturbing and mind-soothing. and of both constructive and the-plain-useless-ones. I have a dozen of them but they are so messed up I don't even know how to write about them. 


I have all the free time in the world. for this week, at least.  where I just chill at home and follow the never ending anime and manga and drama series =p here and then, I'll feel so guilty just being a potato couch and have started thinking about random ideas of what to do instead. I've been switching ideas from making udon mee, to baking chicken pies and egg tarts, to sewing dolls, to learning guitar, to reading some very inspirational books, to making a scrapbook, to writing articles, to researching, to exploring new roads, to... I've seriously lost track. and DUH none of which I've really started to work with, because of the fact that being a potato couch for a few days straight is seriously just pure awesome. OOPS?  


and of course eventually even that awesomeness has started to be boring and so I THINK it's finally time to get started with something. hee. ya, I got an idea again. let's see how it goes first. too early to report anything. =p 


anyway. there's just this manga so worth reading that I have completed recently. BAKUMAN. meaning 'manga gambling'. from wikipedia: 'its written by written by Tsugumi Ohba and illustrated by Takeshi Obata, the same creative team responsible for Death Note.' NO WONDER ITS SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!! I've forgotten who recommended it to me? hock eu? anyways, its a story of dream chasers, 食梦者. instead of the main stream kinda battle manga, it's more of a psychological, real-life related and erm, motivational manga? in the story, it's about mangakas striving for what they love. the plot of the story goes is also quite realistic, a life story stretching over a 10 year time span, where in the end, all the characters have grown and made their dreams come true. i think the manga really have it thought through for each action and consequence the characters made. very complete. and nice graphic =D 食梦者。 有得就有失。相反的，失的越多，可能得的也越多。life has its ups and downs. the more you bet on it, the more extreme the two ends would be. and that would define how interesting your life would be? this manga has definitely got me thinking.


the other one I've completed in on call 36小时。that, reminds of life and death. death, especially. how little control we will always have. and the fact that we will never know how much time we have left. how much time left we have with our beloved ones. we are far too young, so naturally these thoughts always always escape us when we make our daily decisions. and then also, the guilt when i start to think: what the hell am i still doing with my life as a potato couch despite knowing ALL the above? OOPS. and same as each viewer, I think everybody would have the same line of thought at one point of this drama: what would it be like if I've studied medicine instead? haha. 做医生一点都不简单。I truly salute each and every of my friends who are currently doing medicine. 辛苦了！ 


the other thing I did is looking through old photos. and saving them from the facebook. a glimpse of them made it seemed like my life is damn happening indeed? and it made me realized how much of it which i've forgotten even though its only one year since then. a thousand over photos. most of them were from a levels since I've only created an account after form 5. there's camps, and visits of foster family, and 21st community service, and photos of TTC where i worked, and the-exotic-trip-to-redang, and countless outings and gatherings. 


BUT, I remembered what I felt back then, wasn't as awesome as it seemed from the pictures. SOME of them, anyway. there were times where I don't LIKE being happening. or i just don't like it when happening were being defined by just outings. or fake smiles where I was just trying to make a good photo instead of truly enjoying the moments of the happenings. why so, I wonder? i guess my expectations of happenings was high and anything less than those of chs made me feel not enough? I was indeed weird then, right? 


this is what i think of as the few real happenings of that time instead: ttc interview (epic fail). the first lesson i taught at ttc(forever so satisfying). 21st cs (every second of it, feels awesome to be isolated from the real world for a whole week if you know what i mean). the redang trip (simply pleasant and refreshing). further maths (kinda a self achievement). a particular friend gathering where i cried( if anyone even knew =p). and of course there's more. even if its some short moments during an ordinary day. any how, its still way too minority of the total numbers of days which had passed. funny how the anime and drama make me want to count my days considered as interesting. lol. guess it isn't too late to truly enjoy the moments as much as possible starting from now. at least, uni life isn't bad at all =p 


i know how i always said i hated my a levels life. but now i think its time for me to feel thankful for it. even if it sucks then. after all, its how you take the day as good or bad based on your feelings. and feelings can be tempered with. not that we should edit our feelings, but we could make it as positive as it could be.


trying to summon all the positive thoughts as much as possible. and learning to filter unnecessary words as much as possible. 


gambateh kudasai. 


til then. 


chaoz~