change

however attached I am to my old life and character, life demands change. Change, is the only thing that wouldn't change.

I have found myself needing to redefine the meaning of friendship. Life demands it. Certain people are not worth the time and effort and kindness I have to give. I found myself spending my time on the wrong people. Certain people don't appreciate. They only require your presence, just to prove they are better is some way. They want not your heart, not your friendship. These people make you feel bad to feel good. They are not worth it.

Even family. Unconditional love. blah. Disappointment. Neglect. Some are not so unconditional, no. They want your attention, company and love. They use home as an excuse to let out. In fact, family members give you an opportunity to take a closer look of the heart of a human being. 看透了。Selfishness. Self centered ness. Hurtful and Mean. No, those good moments are not because they love you. But because they need your help and your concern. Need. not unconditional exchange.

A change of heart. A need to change to face all the unworthy ones. Being hurt repeatedly makes one learn and change. Anger fuels my confidence. One day I will be able to laugh off all the mean and cruel words. Be better is all I will be.

taken from http://expandedconsciousness.com/2014/10/13/10-powerful-sentences-to-help-change-your-perspective-on-life/

Feed the Heart

A warm trip with warm people really rejuvenates the soul. Indeed if you want to be at peace and happy, you have to feed the heart. Feeding the mind with knowledge is not enough. Feed the heart by getting to know people and enjoy their presence.

Tsk. Staying home for such a long time is unhealthy for my heart. Just yesterday, I found that I can sleep so well with a contented heart. Simple as that, be contented and you'll be happy. That's why, I thinking feeding the heart is the key a happy life and getting rid of dark eye circles.

Stop feeding the bloody mind with overthinking. Especially with stupid life analysis. Why do I always analyse life? An idle mind is a devil's playground. Need to keep myself busy, feed both my mind and heart with healthy food.

Lol. New discovery every single day. Why am I so weird.

2015

Hi, I'm freaking 23! Can you believe it? This naive, ignorant, simple girl has grown into a fully-grown 23 year old lady!!! In no time, I'll turn into some woman, some auntie and finally some old grandma @@

Yes yes. Time has caught up with me. There's no slowing down. Even more than any years before, THIS year is THE year. THE year when I will finally graduate from university and leave study life, probably forever. What would become of me? The simple girl who has done nothing best except of stuff which concerns studies throughout her entire life. Alas, que sera sera.

Life lessons probably awaits me. Tears and failures and mistakes. Well, let time teach me, let time hone me, let time change me, until probably another 20 years later, I would not recognize who I am today.

2015 is a new beginning, a turning point, a year of big decisions. 2015 is the year. My year. I made a planner for 2015 in the hope that I will utilize every waking moment of this year, to learn, to enjoy, to love. Future Me, please make good decisions.

As time pass, my feelings have grown more complicated and complex. I find that I cannot bring justice to my deep thoughts and feelings in these simple words. Looks like my heart has grown more that my vocabularies and words. What I wish to write, words do not flow. I blame Past Me for slacking in the study of languages. Now, it is up to Present Me to brush up my English!

P/S: A simple check when I'm lost. Ask myself this: Am I learning? Am I enjoying? Am I loving?

Pessimism

It seems like pessimism comes more naturally to me. Is it because of the narrow mindset of the Chinese, where parents tell you how impossible is it to do something different? Is it because I'm so used to this closed environment that I'm so afraid to step out? Is it because of my Aquarius Pieces CUSP horoscope which is infamous with overthinking and worrying? Or is it because thinking all the negative stuff is so much easier than to tackle the real problem and to face the fear head on.

Indeed, the environment I'm living in, does not promote optimism at all. But, it doesn't mean that I should be blinded by the environment and continue to swim in the darkness, and never resurface. Optimism definitely need more of my usual energy, but optimism is the only way out. Optimism is not a choice, it is a must. Pessimism is not an excuse for a healthy young individual, it's an escape route for cowards. 

Buck up. Think and strive for the good things! Do not worry for all the problems in your selfish mind. There will ALWAYS be endless problems. But there is the choice to face and conquer them and focus on the important things. 

Stop freaking out. What ever will be will be. Que sera sera. Leave the future to the Future Me. Help Future Me build values and positive strengths. Exercise positiveness.

Trials of Life

2014 had been a doubtful year for me. I'm doubtful of my course, of my path, of my choice, of my own being. 2014 left me undecided on things at many levels. 2014 had me feeling scared to step out and yet anxious to escape. 2014 had me tied down to the junction and I don't know how to leave it. The time to make THE choice is getting nearer, and I'm getting more anxious and panicky every passing second.

Take the leap of faith. To what? I feel like playing mee nee mee nee my nee moe to choose the next step. What am I so afraid of? failing? not really. the unknown? not so. I'm fearing of revealing myself to the real world, I guess. I'm fearing of being the black sheep in the real world. The odd one. The awkward one. The weird one. 

After all these years, I'm so not prepared to face the outside world. I already feel that I don't belong at home, in school, in uni and in front of any strangers. I'm self conscious the moment I open my mouth to talk to people. I'm already judging myself before others judge me. And the thing about Malaysians, they do judge you. Ya, I can just put that aside and not care about what others think. But the problem is that I'm judging myself. Why do I speak like that? why stutter? It's inappropriate to comment. It's bad if I can't answer the question well. What do I say next? What if everyone hates me and I end up alone?

You see, I always find problem within myself. Always. I can't relax. Even now, at home, with graduation in half a year's time, I'm already panicking of what would happen next, palpitating, restless. And I think, of the universe and the meaning of life. And the POINT which I'm placed on earth. Is it to gain more? To enjoy? To give? To harness my potential? LOL which should I choose? reality or idealism. Money or simplicity. Be ambitious or be contented. Career or family. Superficial or spiritual. I feel old. I think what the old people think. What would it be that I want most when I finally die. Until I forget that I'm at the age where I should just TRY. Early twenties is when time is the greatest resource. Use the time to TRY everything then I'll know. I can't figure out life until I've tried all that I can try. 

It sucks that I don't know exactly which of the trials would bring me to the correct path. guess I'll have to make the long way around and just START trying until I get it right. 

THE TIME is near. I have to hurry to start the trials of life. The earlier I start, the sooner I'll get to the goal.

On a side note, I hope that the passion planner can help me sort things out. I hope that at the end of next year, I'll be a lot more than who I am today. Future me, please do your best! I might not have the money and wisdom, but time is my asset! For year 2015, the motto is just simple: time is gold.

The Danger of Yawning

The blog name itself suggests that I'm the odd one out. Not that I choose to be this way intentionally, it just happens to be like that.

This fact is strengthen over and over again after all these years. Just yesterday, a perfect example emerges itself once again...

Who in the hell yawns and got jaw dislocated? Me! I was just preparing to start my studies of the day, when I just yawned... and then I found that my mouth wouldn't close!!no matter how hard I've tried! I know it happens to some people, must mostly could unlock it by themselves. I thought I could too, in the first two hours. I have googled how to unlock a dislocated jaw but to no avail. but, at the third hour, when I can't even move my jaw left and right. I've started to freak out and have no choice but to seek medication help. YES I'VE OPENED MY MOUTH FOR THREE FREAKING HOURS, WHILE  STILL TRYING TO DO PAST YEAR BECAUSE I HAVE FINALS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. what a baaaad timing for this to have occurred to me.

Long story short. I drove to Assunta Hospital to unjam my locked jaw. Thank god the nurses did not laugh at me. I think they have indeed seen cases and helpless patients like me. And then I was injected with anesthetic (my dad say its just calming agent, to relax my muscles), and the doctor took no more than one minute to unlock my jaw. By inserting his thumbs into my mouth and some how push it back really hard. I was feeling a little drowsy, but then he has fixed it!

And then, the bill came....its 400 freaking bucks!! for a freaking yawn!!! Because its a Sunday, the charges is higher than usual. BUT ITS 400 FREAKING BUCKS FOR A FREAKING YAWN!! I came home and dad just keep nagging me that I should not have opened my mouth so widely when I yawn. And he also prepared contact for 铁打师傅 just in case this ridiculous accident would one day happen again. People would got their jaw dislocated before tend to have it dislocated again more easily in the future. I cannot afford to spend freaking 400 bucks every time I yawn, can I? But I'm guessing a visit to the 铁打sensei wouldn't be as painless as the visit to the ER unit. I guess that they wouldn't prepare any calming agent, and would just unjam my jaw by some very forceful kung fu technique?? I don't know. And I wouldn't want that to happen for a very very long time.

So, for people who have faced similar ordeal as me, the disorder like this is called the Temporomandibular Joint Disorders, it is wise to place a fist below your chin when you yawn. It is said to be able to restrict jaw movement, hence avoid jaw dislocation. LOL.

Anyways, what's done is done. and I'm just so pleased that my jaw is back in order. I can once again sing and speak properly without my lower jaw hanging half open. And I can eat!! After such torture and torment, I now simply appreciate the miracle of my teeth meeting perfectly together, enabling me to enjoy the food in my mouth. And my lips can perfectly fit together and keep liquids in my mouth without spilling them. I have now recognized the importance of my perfectly fitted jaw!

So, there you go. The story of how I've gone through the longest yawn (more than 3 hours) and also the most expensive yawn in my life.

Reality

The more I grow as a person, the more I realized that I'm one of the rare species that live outside the reality. I'm rather ignorant, I'm a nerd who buries herself in studies and could easily disengage from the outside world. I have more knowledge in Hogwarts fantasies and anime than the real world which I'm living in. I mean I have read about the real world, but I have not seen the real world. The real world just sounds like another story.

My bubble world is something many cannot comprehend. Equations and codes and mathematical models. Staying home on Saturday nights. Alcohol and smoke free. Vulgar free. T shirts and sweat pants. Rarely 'doll up'. Lame black and straight loosely tied up ponytail.

Even though I've far evolved from my high school self, i get culture shock again and again countless times until I wonder which alien planet did I come from. How is it that after 22 years, I still have not met and have people like that around me. Its like the world around me is filtered. I'm still in the core center of the white world. I've heard of some grey ones from stories of friends of friends. And I can't even start to comprehend how the black world looks like.

There are people living life to the fullest, doing all sorts of YOLO stuff. Then there are people (guys) who think that lots and lots of money is the most important of all. Then there are the passionate ones who wants to change the world and leave a mark. Then, there's me, wanting to live a simple and peaceful life, and work on something that I'm good at, and just trying to get through this chaotic world peacefully.

Ya, so the conclusion is. I AM from an alien planet. Who has not embrace the culture of the world. I think I could never embrace it. It will be like asking a fish to fly. I feel like I'm a different species all together.

But, I'm graduating. Guess that even though I'm a fish, I would some how need to grow some wings to survive this chaotic journey called life. Imma growing into a flying fish!