Quarter Life Crisis

Is it over dramatic to call this a quarter life crisis? I think not. I am at the point of life where everything turns, or rather changes. Turning point. Point of no return (is it?). 

At this point, I don't know what to choose. That's the flaw of the education system. You rush and rush your education until when you've finally come to the end of it, you don't now what's next.

My strategy? Try and see. seriously, I don't know anyway better.

And the problem? I'm worry sick. which is not helping. And therefor here I am to remind myself to be at the present. And tell my self, this. is. it.

This is it. The now. the moment. I cannot worry about the million things that could go wrong in the future. I cannot keep looking back asking questions why I am here. All I have is now. My time, my knowledge, my people. This is what I have, right here, right now. This is it. No more, no less. Stop looking else where. Be in the now.

I have to focus on that. Coz I see myself worrying all the time, even though I have yet to submit any applications. I'm already worrying about where, what, and how I'm gonna work, when I'm not even there yet. What I need to do is to evaluate all the options that I have now. Prepare and approach all the options, as readily as I can. And enjoy the free time I have. 

I'm so blessed to have so much free time to do anything I want (no budget though), and I should focus on this rather than being worry.

the future is bright, not dark. Stop assuming the worst. Start here, start now. I am where I am and I am who I am. Crisis or not, I'll get through it just like everything else.

Dig Deep

A month has past. Since I've completed my degree. While its so fun and addictive to lay around watching Grey's Anatomy, the voice in my head starts growing stronger and louder, asking me to get my ass off the couch, and apply for a job already.

While getting a good job is very desirable, I'm too lazy to start preparing resumes and start attending interviews. Which, I'll have to do one way or another eventually. Most likely, September will be the month I start working. So there's exactly one month duration for me to get a job and hop on the train to my next stage of life.

Everyone in my home is also soon going on with their respective stages of life this coming September. Big sis has gotten a scholarship and is going to UK to pursue a MBA master degree. Little sis would be starting uni at Nottingham in Semenyih in a engineering course. So that means very soon, I'll be the only one left in my room. At least for a year.

Change is necessary. Change is good. Knowing that I would be alone soon, means that I have to get back out there soon. Hanging around at home won't do any good, especially knowing that the two sisters are out there learning and growing. I have to get out and learn about life too.

To do that, I have to dig deep. I've been feeling anti social and too much of an introvert lately. I have to remind myself to snap out of it and remind myself that that is not true. I have my social life all the while. Yes, even in Monash, until Year 2 anyways. It is Year 3 onwards that the workload got so heavy that I got out of all social activities. I was very active in high school. I was a prefect, joined the choir and the chinese orchestra group, participated in countless concerts and camps and events. And then I was involved in the 7-day community service and organize several events during my A levels, while working part time in TTC, while self studying and acing Further Maths. How cool is that?In Monash, I was selected to participate in the Engineering Leadership Program, a mentor-mentee program, and help started up the IEM student chapter. And there was one year where I was active in the D2Y buddhist youth club. Pretty active all the while until some things start to fall apart and I was stuck with a miserable all-study life.

So yea. I was active. And I have to get back to that. Being active. And being open to opportunities and greatness. I must dig out all my social personalities,  and believe that I am better than my all-study-no-life self. That was temporary even though necessary. For the thesis and assignments and projects. But, no more. Now I'm free to choose again. Yes, disasters happen all the time, even during the long list of awesome activities I've been involved in. I've broken down a significant number of times, I've lost contact and maybe even burn bridges with way too many friends, and I have failed in so many things. Yet experiences are experiences nevertheless. They made up the pages of the stories of my past. Beautiful and invaluable experiences with bittersweet memories.

So its time, to write a new page. To start afresh. To choose a new life. And that can only be done if I put in everything I have into the application of my first job. Choose wisely, carefully, open-minded-ly. With some luck, I just might be off to some great start.

closure

So it's the holidays, I've been spending a lot of time either chilling and reading at home or meeting people outside. And the thing about meeting people, it always manages to change certain perspective on certain things. For me, it's always like some sorta lesson.

You know me, I'm not a people person. I either try too hard to stick with people, or I drift away. I'm imbalance in dealing with people and that's what I was trying to work at, given the time I have on hand.

Upon finishing my exams, I got so excited, and terribly guilty for letting the old friends disappear in my life. So I try to make a change. I made the first move. I'm so hyped up that I'm about to reconcile with my friends again!

And then reality sets in. And I did not foresee it coz I was being too hyped up. I was living in my ideal world. Reality is, years have passed. And we are already drifted apart. And a few friendly messages do not just simply magicked away that fact. So the conversations got stuck. The diplomatic friendly exchange is made and there's nothing extra to say. Some one stopped replying. And no one pretends that it would be the same as before.

So why did I? naive. stupid maybe. Friendship isn't something as simple as that. Investment has to be made. Extra steps need to be taken. Or maybe not. Maybe for some cases, over is over. it ain't good to forcefully bring back the past. And closure is needed, for some cases. Let the past be in the past. 

People, is my worst flaw, disappointment and enemy. Other stuff I can deal with. But, people, I have no control whatsoever. Yet, it's the people that bring colour and beautiful things to my life. That's why my life feels so difficult. I'm constantly battling against and for the people in my life. 

I'm troubled, but I accept. It's only our perspective that can be changed. You do the best you can, and you can live with it, regardless of the outcome. Have closure. when people stop replying. Have closure. When friends whom were once so close to you, but now no longer in your life. Have closure. When some people just don't want you there anymore. Have closure, when times are different, and people change, and things change.

Why this realization? I have experience. a lot of bad ones. I was a bully, a terrible bully that has no regards of others feelings. I was a stalker who refuses to admit that I have feelings. I held a grudge for two weeks until I got depressed. I was absent mentally, in so many occasions, that it's like I was not even there. And all these guilts and worries and grudge got to me, and burdens me, and made me even the more socially impaired.

 

Now that you know, appreciate it when it's still there. Appreciate the unexpected turns of events and surprises in life. Appreciate those who stay on regardless the changes, despite any disputes, against all odds of life. Appreciate that always, forgive the past, and have closure when the rest move on.

The List

iThe time has come, to make not just another list, but The List. The List is a list that comprises everything that I want to do, I need to do, and I must do to utilize the unlimited free time starting from now.

Yes, you may have heard, I HAVE COMPLETED MY DEGREE!!!!!! I am officially unemployed. I am done being a student! I am now awaiting my results, and will soon participate in my convocation making me a certified engineer.

So upon completion of my degree, of course i have unlimited free time, until i organize everything and start work. And so, there are 3 sections in The List, namely EVERYTHING-I-NEED-TO-GET-MY-FIRST-JOB, REFORM-OLD-BONDS, and ENJOY-FREE-TIME. tadahhh. This will give me balance, in dealing with reality, in fostering relationships with the beloveds and also in alone self learning time for myself.

EVERYTHING-I-NEED-TO-GET-MY-FIRST-JOB
Well, this is easily the most boring part of the list, nevertheless, its the most important part, not to mention that its the main reason of why this list is made at the first place: to make sure that i make get some real work done, amid all the fun.

Resume, LinkIn accound, Jobstreet account, online banking account... All this has to be done. And I have to consider the Research Assistant position offered by my FYP supervisor. And then of course, there is the researching and applying for real engineering jobs. Research and survey, as I dont know which field I would want to venture into. Now that I am finally out of the hopeless endless narrow tunnel of studying and assignments, I'm finally able to make choices in the broad daylight full of hope and options and opportunities,

REFORM-OLD-BONDS
Now, this is the tricky part. You see, in the process of getting to my engineering degree, which i have mentioned countless of times involves stressful studies and endless suffocating workloads, i have regretfully abandoned many of my friendship bonds. 

Now, with all the free time, I can start making contact with the old friends! Except that it didn't go very well. I didn't realize that, until I've tried. What do u say the the people which are not in your lives for the last 3-4 years. An update, and then?

It's not easy to repair, or reform. 

ENJOY-FREE-TIME

this is easily the easiest part. I'm doing so fine in following the grey's anatomy drama series, and the Game of Thrones novels. It's so much fun!!! I've been deprived of doing what I want and never had the oppurtunity to laze around during the semester, and now I have all the time in the world!

But, too much of the good thing ruins it. Now I need some self discipline and get working on other potential hobbies such as cooking and writing and drawing and shopping.

I foresee myself up and working in August. That's like 3 weeks from now. Now, i can finally say: Trust me, I'm an engineer.

#eatpraylove

Okay, this is a post that I've taken deliberate time to draft. I've recently finish reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It took me ages to finally complete this book, as it is the kinda book that needs to be read in small doses. There's a lot of details and feelings to be processed and needs mulling over in order for one to get this book properly. And it puts life into perspective and gave me so much to think about. So here, I just want to copy and record some of the quotes from the book, so that I would not forget.

My feelings for this book has its ups and downs. It took me a long time to get through the first one third of the book. As the first part of the book, the author describes about her complications and depressions after going through a divorce. There's a lot of frustrations, and it shows that how her sad feelings keep boiling over even though she has tried very hard to get over it (by going all the way to Italy to live and travel). I really disliked it and was thinking, why couldn't she get over with it after all this time? What is she doing wrong? Why does she end up brooding?

Well, that is something I want to avoid and rid of- brooding, overthinking. And after reading the first part, I was seriously thinking, am I one day going to face some shit in life and feel that amount of depression? Would I be able to handle it or would I just give in to brooding and suffer for the rest of my life?? Well, gratefully, the second and third part of the book- Pray and Love gave me lots of perspective and answers. And these quotes are from some of my favourite lines in the book:

1. The task at hand in Yoga is to find union- between mind and body, between the individual and her God, between our thoughts and the source of thoughts.

2. We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character.

3. You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

4. That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling separate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you're flawed and broken and alone instead of whole.

5. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier. Like what? Like love, like pure divine love.

6. The resting place of the mind is the heart.

7. We gallop through our lives like circus performances balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses- on foot is on the horse called 'fate', the other on the horse called 'free will'. And the question you have to ask every day is, Which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying bout because it's not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?

8. I can choose my thoughts. Admit to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where  they came from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude- dismiss them.

9. Happiness is a consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

10. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to everyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

Drum Roll

Three more weeks, an era would officially end, for me. Me, the student who has been nothing more than a student all her life. Its time to join the big big world.

People change. 6 years ago, I have tried all my best to evade the things i dont like. People, politics. drama. That was why i chose engineering. Now, I learn that I could not and should not have avoid any of those stuff. The more I avoid, the more difficult it has become for me.

Life is a whole package. You need a little of everything to have a balance life. Balance, is what I dont get in my uni life. The circle I hang out with, all engineers, almost 100% study talk. No balance. My life style, 110% stressful and very very technical. No balance. Social life in uni, is almost negligible due to the workload. How do I enjoy uni life when the workload in order for me to graduate is so heavy that I don't even have time to leave the lab/room/class room?

I lost balance. I grew frustrated. More accurately, i become sick of studies. This is not right. Balance used to be my priority. That was why i have always joined clubs and societies in primary, secondary, and pre-U schools. But, not in Uni. Now, i managed to scraped through all my assignments, and i absolutely have no other social activities besides study (which is not one).

There's that. I'm graduating. Only too happy to end this era. I'm about to join another world, one which I have zero-knowledge for. For once, I would be a blank paper when I join this world. Now, 6 years after my choice of the course, I have to choose again.

And I choose, anything that would help me grow. I'm open to anything (except programming, its still alien to me upon graduating, that's how much I don't like it). I might want to do marketing engineering, sales engineering, work in a harsh environment at a plant. Actually, I don't know yet. Let me get back to this after my finals. I can only handle one thing at a time. One thing is for sure, after 6+5+1.5+4 years of study, i officially grew tired of it.

My Flaws and Selina

Yes, end of Week 11 and my mind still find time in between all the crazy workloads to reflect about life. And yesterday, I watched the interview of Selina about her recovery journey from the bad burnt in the fire accident. Yes, Selina from S.H.E. Ya, she's awesome, she's courageous, she's definitely Ms. Positive Energy. Yes she's an inspiration, a role model to all the females. Yes I was deeply touched by her story.

And, yet, I'm still stuck at where I am today. I would also want Future Me to thank me for not giving up on life. Amid all the mundane but super stressful workload and quarter life crisis, I must still accept that such is life, and a its a good happy life. I must believe in that. And work my ass off towards that -> a good and happy life.

And, the people. I'm a human, yet i fear human. In age of 23, I can already say that this is the biggest obstacle in my life. Humans. Talking. Emotional attachment. Responsibility. Originality. Judgement. Norm. Respect. Attitude. You see, some of them are just the right opposite of the others. Its impossible to be all of them just so to fit into all the places in the world. While wanting to do everything right, I lost my voice. I shut down. I closed up. And I got stuck, instead of getting to all the places in the world, I ended up not belonging anywhere.

Again, sometimes its just like taking  a leap of faith. I'm not the outgoing friendly outspoken cheerful people's favourite. But, I can be more attentive, kinder, more open minded and more respectful towards others. I can't form pretty dazzling words, but i can form constructive positive words. If I don't like the negative attitude people have towards me, I can forget about it and not let it get to me. Forget about what I cannot, and focus on what I can.

I can live a better and happier life, just because I can.

And. I have a final year report to complete within 4 days. This, I believe I also can.

And. sorry for the incoherent writing. I realized there is not much flow. I can't really think straight. Literally.