self awareness

Today, we have a long stretch of ELP workshops relating to self awareness. from 9am to 6 pm. and god knows how my mind loveee to react to self reflection. spent a whole day thinking what am I to be, what am I not to be etc. you could say its a bit of overdose.

anyways, we have this self portrait activity, where we could share a bit of ourselves. and the criteria that relate to me most is "my life defining moments". ya, this, I said to myself, is basically what made up who I am today. I have a story to share, at the tip of my tongue, yet, I couldn't bring myself to share it. I was pretty much sure that I would break into tears if I were to share it this morning.

ya. so this is what I'm unhappy about myself: me being unable to overcome my past. some of u all might have heard it before, some of u have not. so here's the story. when i was a kid, i was loved, pampered, taught and brought up much by my mother. thanks to my mum's harsh training, i was active in a lot of things. speech, story telling, acting, singing, basically I could do all of those stuff almost effortlessly. i was carefree and fearless.

then, 7 years ago, my mother died of cancer. and that, basically changed my whole character. I became depressed and quiet. I quit trying out all the stuff that I used to. most of the time I spent time daydreaming and telling myself I didn't have to mourn. I didn't want to be looked as the weak, pathetic, motherless child. and after that, I became an introvert, a anti-social, and had cut myself off from the outside world for a while.

form 2 is the worst time that one can lose a parent. I was a young teen, and it was the age and crucial time where one finds out and discover themselves. under all the peer pressure and self wallowing, I sorta crushed. and ever since then, I've considered myself downgraded from who I once were, being unable to do the things I used to do effortlessly.

ever since that, I've joined lots and lots of activities, trying and striving hard to build my character. is it all half-hearted? is it that i've really gone all weird. I've grown, and changed. but into a different person of who I am before.

until this very day, I am never proud of who I have become. and this. is the reason why I did not share my story today. after these seven long years, I haven't manage to overcome the past that have changed me. I still have a missing piece in my heart. I still couldn't see that, the death of my mum, is fated to shape me the way I am to be. maybe its because I'm not there yet. I'm just still dissatisfied.

I'm not giving up. Still striving, even though it may not be effortless any more. I believe that, one day, the missing piece will finally be filled. and at that time, I will be able to look back at my broken past, at a state of peace of mind, feeling complete and no longer affected by the loss. And then, I would be able to retell my story, feeling proud, and thankful for the lessons and with no more regrets.

终有一天，一定会释怀的。

til then.

ciao~