Imagine

If i would imagine. I see that I'm well past my insecurities and self judgement issues, I'm well at ease with myself, and that I could speak calmly and confidently.

No, its not that I want to be what i am not, but rather imagining what I can become. If engineering did killed my artistic side, I can't allow it to stop me from imagining.

Now to think of it, its a while since i imagine the future. Ya, i day dream a lot, but not imagining. Imagining is visualizing, setting a goal, and knowing that it could be achieved.

If I would imagine, I see I'll be a happy person with the capability of taking care of myself and the ones i love, doing things which I'm good at, and surrounded by people I love. To tell the truth, I was kinda at a failure with that, as I don't keep in touch my any of my A levels friends, and in uni, my previous gang of friends has broken into a thousand pieces. Also, I imagine I'm healthy and in control of my body (looks like I have to start exercising again). If I'm at ease, happiness would come, as well as friendship and everything good in the world.

Now with the picture in my mind. the goal is set. All is the power of the mind. Cultivate the mind!

And yes I just read the book "the monk who sold his ferrari". Read a few pages and its a good wake up call. Lack of positive energy around me and I have to create my own.

Imagine, before I make another step that would set me off track.

I'm a Math Nerd

okay. so few weeks before the semester resumes, I freaked out instead of staying relaxed and enjoying my holidays. I was nervous about my FYP topic when I heard there are more lecturers than students from my batch, which would mean that only one student may work under one lecturer. I wanted to avoid the situation where all the suitable topics being picked by the others and went ahead to schedule an appointment with a lecturer.

Anyways, the good news is, I got a topic! in a field which I wanted. The bad news is, it sounds like a really difficult topic. How difficult? Well the first two topics he gave me to choose is "Lasso Group Signal Decomposition" and "Uniformity in Multi Dimensions". Ya, I don't know what they means either. And finally, he settled me with a third topic instead of the two, namely "Signal Excitation Modelling". Ya, I'm suppose to model the excitement of signals, by derivation of equations and sorts I guess @@

And, as opposed to the previous post, I'm feeling hopeful again somehow. Remembered what I said about choosing the wrong course? I think that's just because of the stress from exams. Now exams are all far and over, and I got my pretty results, engineering once again don't seem like the wrong course at all! Haha, ya you can call me fickle minded.

The thing is, I'm drawn to math. In the past, present, and in my FYP, more than ever. And I think that's the reason why I chose engineering over architecture. And even though electronics isn't my favorite thing in the world, E&E does involve a lot of math, as compared to the other courses. So, even though I've diverted slightly from the pure mathematics, I'm still doing applied math, in a way.

How am I drawn to math? well, in primary school, math is easily my best and most favorite subject. Every school holidays during year end, as all kids in the school, I would restock new tutorial books for the following year. And of all the books, math would be the first book I open and finish. And I always finish them even before the year starts and had to buy another one. Which I would probably finish in another two weeks. I was kinda obsess with Maths. Maths is like the sudoku for me. Also, I'm obsess with winning the school math competition and I look forward to it every year. Call me a nerd.

In high school? well, after the pmr, I got so bored I borrowed kumon exercise sheets from my friend, Crystal. I got a whole stack and finished it during the holidays. It was just algebra and factorization but it's quite new to a pmr student like me at that time. omg, I am a nerd!!

And in form 4? I LOVE add Maths. It's the first homework I'll finish and I always immediately consult my senior, Seng yeang whenever I have a slightest doubt. And I got this pelangi analysis series questions, which I attempted until late night, until I'm confident that I got hold of the chapter. NERD ALERT.

And after high school? Add Maths became the subject I want to teach. not anything else. Not languages or history or biology. Just add Maths. Not to mention again I self studied Further Maths in A levels, even though I didn't need to. But I wanted to, and I went to several friends to help me out, Yee Min, Hua Chern, Js, Yeng Joe. Ya and the epic moment when I'm the only candidate sitting for this paper at INTI. And scored! heh.

Obsessed. Aren't I? So now, for the FYP, it only makes sense that I'm drawn to the field in Optimization, Estimation, and Numerical Methods, which is what became of mathematics in the field of  engineering. 

Okay. I'm not just a nerd. I'm a math geek. And I'm writing all this down, in case one day I begin to doubt that I'm in the wrong course again. Because, I am not! I have indeed chosen math and math again consistently over the years, which is indeed what I do best and what I like best. I don't know where this math will bring me in future. But I think, when the choices presents themselves again one day, I will definitely go for Maths.

Yay! Found something close to my "calling". And ya, you can call me delay jie for realizing this only recently. lol.

prior exam

Hi, i shouldn't be here at all. Why? I'm having two final papers in two consecutive days tomorrow and the day after. Yes, I'm am studying. Notes and tutorials are piling in front of me just this very moment.

So why am I here? Engineering, as much as i like it and as much as i've already chosen it. Facing the exams always gives me second thoughts about it. Being buried in equations and very tough syllabus, which might sound as much as alien language to any normal human being, its really hard to stay positive about this particular career path that i've chosen at the age 19.

And always at this kinda timing, regrets of not choosing the OTHER path will flood my mind. Yep, the OTHER path, namely architecture. I would dream of going back to age 19 and take up architecture instead of engineering. I would dream of building models with cardboards instead of hacking my brain on equations and theories. I would imagine that I'll be so good at sketching that I can design my future dream home and create many many dream homes for people to live in. And it left me utterly lost at what I'm doing with seemingly pointless equations in engineering.

Sigh. I know it wouldn't be easy either if I have indeed chosen to study architecture. The assignments might be 10 times stressful than the ones i'm having now. Also, I might also turn out to dislike architecture in the middle of it. But, at the bottom line, I could picture myself designing and drawing for the sake of being able to create a pretty dream house one day. With engineering, honestly, i'm lost at what i'm at able to create one day. a circuit board? a system?

Seriously, this thought pop up every single time when i'm facing exams. whether that i've chosen my path wrongly. And the fact that i'm already completing my 3rd year, on the way to do my final, has as well concluded the fact that i have to be an engineer.

Stressful moment induce stressful thoughts. see? i need to find a plan so that I can achieve what i want as an engineer as well.

Okay. Back to studies. two more days!!

Mature

Recently, I've followed this page on facebook called "Humans of New York". I kinda enjoy reading their every post. It nice to read the views of random people of all ages and races in the world. There's this quote from a random dude on the page, "You mature the moment you know what you want to do". Hmm, wise.

That's why I have not matured? I don't know what I want to do. A year to graduation, I have not figured it out. Ya, its not easy to 'figure' your life out for most people. Most people are not born with a burning passion to do what you are destined to do and are able to chase you lifelong dream the minute you turn 18 or something. If you are, bless you. You are so lucky.

The rest of us. Still figuring things out, still uncertain, still lost. The best which I could come out with, are things that I like and things that I don't. So, to make myself feel nearer to my destined path to be, I will slowly collect the things I like, chase the things I like, and it could bring me to a future which I would like it to be? Heh. You know, nice food, maths, nice buildings, nice quotes, nice people, nice places...

Recently, I've received  news that I have completed my industrial training. I have thought that I would need to go for another 8 weeks of internship this summer but it turned out that now I'm free to do whatever I want to do!! woohoo! final freedom which last for 3 months. I should slowly plan it out and make it worthwhile. I should get an interesting job and earn some travelling money. I want to go for a graduation trip! somewhere overseas. heh. korea? hmm three months! what should I do with that amount of free time?

On the nearer future, my one month break is about to begin! Just one more week of exams. I shall dedicate myself to learn cooking and read for most of the times. I'll be up to any short getaways near home. And most importantly i'll be collecting things which I like, like literally.

til then. ciao.

gonna be a FYP sudent

Its week 12! Again. Only one year away from being a engineering bachelor holder. A year from being part of the working world. BUT, don't want to elaborate too much on that just yet. I'm still NOT READY @@ When its time, its time.

Anyways, the fogs obscuring my future has cleared up a little bit. I, at least know, what sorta FYP projects that I might be interested in. I also know what I should do for preparation for the future. I'm also no longer lost and afraid of the future. Nervous, but much better.

Yay! to the path that is getting clearer. and yay to the upcoming holidays. i'm not gonna do a single academic related thing during this coming month. i'm shoooo sick of studying, although comparatively, the schedule for this semester is much looser as compared to the previous one (No bloody robot to build this semester).

On the other hand, i have gotten so much lazier this semester. Shooo lazyyyy to even catch up with the lectures. Two of the units i have only 40% or less knowledge, and its already the last week of the semester @@

Surprisingly, the week 12 of this semester is not a stressful one. Yes i have a lab quiz and a last assignment to submit, but the quiz is a open book test and the assignment is not due until Friday. And most of the lectures are pretty much finished or cancelled.

Sometimes I dislike Monash so much i don't know if i would like to leave my student life sooner or later. I'm hoping that doing my FYP project would be a more pleasant experience than mundane studies. Fingers crossed!

rage

"why u gonna be so rude? don't you know i'm human too? " lyrics from Rude by Magic! sang over and over again by le dear. oddly, its just the right phrase for the day. 

Yes, i've brought it upon myself. People taking me for granted and tease and mock and make fun of and criticize me and everything i love/hate. Just one step away from stomping all over the little pride i have left with cruelty and little kindness.

But, yes. i brought it upon myself. I thought i am all mighty in handling snide remarks. Sometimes, i just thought, whats so bad about giving people a little laugh? That's not too bad, i say. Its still okay. I wont let that get to me. Its just a laugh. I really do lots of stupid stuff, i understand why people laugh at me this way.

I have tolerance, yes, rather HIGH tolerance. i have patience, yes, rather GOOD patience. but, i have a BOILING POINT LIKE JUST EVERY FREAKING PERSON IN THIS WORLD. maybe excluding the monks. and priests. and all the god-like saints. but, i'm still human. and I just reached mine!

maybe i'm just not so big hearted as i thought. maybe i should stop letting little 'jokes' of people slide. maybe i should learn to fight back. you know what? that's not a healthy gathering at all. and one day all the nice people are going to stop being nice because of people like you. and i wonder why is the world such a shitty place.

shit just got real.

Different

There are just too many different people in the world. The world is in chaos because of this. Different character. Different priorities. Different language. Even in the same language, there's still different ways of speaking it. Different interest. Different frequency. Different perspective. Different paradigm. Different beliefs. Which add up to, different worlds. The more we grow, the more we differ? maybe engineers are aliens.

But they say, essentially humans are the same. Maybe someday i can learn to connect with just everybody.