Recently, just living in a peace of mind, walking in my own pace, doing what I can, what i want. After one year of A levels life, there's no ties with anywhere, no some sort of special bonds whatsoever. One year is not a very long time, and Inti is not like the ideal place i would meet some one special, its not like i'm very close with my a levels friends. so yea, tomorrow is last day of college, no hard feelings, at all. haha. And alright, i'll give Inti some credit, it does not suck like hell la. Since the change of lecturer in chemistry, Inti lecturers actually seem very kind and nice and helpful people, i respect them. haha. And the times there are not that bad as well. The people are not half bad, and i really did grow and learn a lot there, met quite few decent people.
But still. glad its coming to an end. A levels sucks. not inti. 'Takeaway' rocks!!! haha..hrm. is it just a levels, or its part of the life after leaving high school? all friends seem further and further away. there's no guarantee that you would meet them everyday for a few guaranteed years. in which you would have all the time of your life to break the ice, talk, make friends, fight, make it up after that and just hang around. instead you would have to adapt quickly, make friends quickly, before you part and may not spend time with each other as much as you like or even see each other anymore. so the bonds are no longer as strong, you couldn't really get to know some one as fully, and one moment you take your eyes off them and focus on other things on a while, and when you're back, the little time you had with them has already pass, and there you go, the chance to get to know them better, G-O-N-E. I'm not actually a fast person, in terms of adapting or break open to somebody, so i can as well say i did a bad job in social this year. ya, many new friends i had, but most probably they'll just be some hi, bye friends in future??
haih. what to do. when you're stuck in an environment where so little people actually cares for their grades, the nerd stands alone. haha. if she want to spend every waking moment to self study in further maths, that is. and no matter how many years i've spend my time with playful, fun, caring, outgoing friends, here i am, a nerd, still. lol. yep. its not only this year, so its not like people say, 'mian learn bad d' , in fact, i've mingle with fun people since like, form 2, i think?? 'trying' to learn 'bad' . 'bad prefect' 'bad student' image..you know, those minor minor stuff like ponteng, having fashion hairstyle, skip duty, ditch class, hang out...and still remains as a nerd. haha..so how good/pathetic is that??lol. you have no idea. you really have none. haha.
anyway, as soon as A levels is over, i'm going to have a whole new perspective of my direction in life again. i have to change this 'nerd only' status. and try to, erm, bond to people??haih. coz i'm really lousy at this. i rather blog than go facebook. argh.
another random thought. i so appreciate yoga these days. its so calming and peace-minding....it makes me feel i can die. haha. sorry for the words to come out that way. but that is what i actually felt. haha..living in the world of chaos, be it the crumbling physical world due to earth quakes in japan, or my mental state which never ever shut ups, yoga is the only time i get to let it all go, and reach a blank state of mind, like that 'muzou' thingy in kekkaishi. its so peceful, so quiet and so relaxing. it makes me feel like if i just die right here right then, everything would be fine, as there's zero concerns in my mind, so comfortable. haha. so i won't mind dying. okay, before i freak you guys out, i'm not suicidal or anything. just that state of mind in yoga is what i rather want, when i finally die, hopefully after many eventful years, in my 70s or 80s, in a healthy state. haha. living in today's world is no joke. i have to meditate every once in a while to remain the sanity of my mind. really.
Yoga practicing is like the substitution of my choir days..yes, people. singing in a choir is the happiest and calmest moments in my life. the harmony, the feeling of being one, the melody, the combination of each souls, you won't believe it. its simply AMAZING. ditto to pmo and band practising. but choir singing is better.hee. ahhh..those days. wonderful, wonderful, beautiful memories... actually, singing in a choir is BETTER than yoga. seriously.
oh, and reading too. it has the same effect on me to calm my mind. my mind NEEDS a lot calming, its so restless in there. u cannot simply imagine. so basically in this 2 weeks, while i'm swallowing books like hell, i've reswallowed the whole 'Princess Diaries' series of 10 as well. Its no joke, to have so much to study. i need an equal amount of calming reading, to keep myself sane. so there i go. 10 books. like 1 for each day. so i apologize if this post is written like princess mia's writing style. haha. 10 whole meg cabot novels. so some of it should rub off in my writing as well.
so you see, based on this blog post, you can pick up hints that i'm currently outta my mind these days. argh. grr. bleh. hope my sanity would come back to me asap. til then.
cheers to sanity.
chaoz~
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
finishing line..
hrm. so long din update. SUPPOSE to be in study mode. however, losed the motivation these days..
a levels. from may 11th til june 2nd. simple mathematics show us its in a mere 2 months time. FREAKING OUT. yet, i see myself still slacking here and there. argh. how can this happen??further maths. can i really make it on time??shit. the thought of it make me so stressed out. yet, here i am. reading manga. beside a stack of books yet to touch. lol.
a levels. worst course ever. so lifeless so pointless. taht's why i'm starting uni as soon as i finish the course, in july. overseas?not much thought of it. maybe just try out NTU. since the pay in singapore is so good. and of course, near home. haha..
a levels. hate it hate it every single day..haih..
til then. bye~~
a levels. from may 11th til june 2nd. simple mathematics show us its in a mere 2 months time. FREAKING OUT. yet, i see myself still slacking here and there. argh. how can this happen??further maths. can i really make it on time??shit. the thought of it make me so stressed out. yet, here i am. reading manga. beside a stack of books yet to touch. lol.
a levels. worst course ever. so lifeless so pointless. taht's why i'm starting uni as soon as i finish the course, in july. overseas?not much thought of it. maybe just try out NTU. since the pay in singapore is so good. and of course, near home. haha..
a levels. hate it hate it every single day..haih..
til then. bye~~
Monday, February 7, 2011
some things always remain..
hrm. god knows why i'm here again. yep, crappy mood. no matter, its always like this. haih..anyway, i think my crappy mood gets over very fast. haha. in which, i found that some habits of mine stays the same after so many many years...
over the years, where i said again and again, and regretted again and again, that i've changed..no longer being the natural leader, the carer, the speaker, sort of stuff.. some remain though, i found out recently. ya.blurr me.haha..hrm. for example, the love for maths. it didn't just come to me over night or even in the recent years. since maybe kindergarten, i've been fond of numbers. lol. at that time, it was simply because its much simpler than the 26 alphabets. there's only 10 numbers you see, so it means less homework for me to practise writing. and who knows why i never, couldn't, wouldn't, change my god damn 'unique' way of holding a pencil. mine is like holding a rock. lol. so again, i couldn't produce beautiful, identical, perfect writings in a straight line. yea, my handwriting sucks. til now. haha..so numbers are again easier for me. and one pathetic fact, i'm 19 and i still couldn't sign properly. argh. how long i've tried to design a signature??maybe its easier if its in numbers?? and again, numbers are simple and logical, the never changing rules for me are common sense. haha. like duh??1+1 is 2!!lol. here's one time, in the end of year 3, my mum bought me a standard 4 maths work book. and i finished it in a week, even before the holidays ended. other work books, haha. blank. in form 3, i borrowed kumon maths for crystal after pmr, just for the fun doing it. lol. so u get the point.
so. that's 1 fact that remains. another one is my habit of writing notes. when i was particularly down, or happy, that is. i used to have a secret page in my note book, where i stick to pages of the paper together to form a paper pocket. i would insert notes like ' gambateh' , ' i miss mum', sort of secret thoughts into it.haha. and of course its always found out and read by somebody some how. embarrassing. lol. but, yep. this habit remains. but of course i don't do it in a note book with a paper pocket anymore. i use technology. and thank god, its more reliable and no one could read them anymore. haha.
over the years, where i said again and again, and regretted again and again, that i've changed..no longer being the natural leader, the carer, the speaker, sort of stuff.. some remain though, i found out recently. ya.blurr me.haha..hrm. for example, the love for maths. it didn't just come to me over night or even in the recent years. since maybe kindergarten, i've been fond of numbers. lol. at that time, it was simply because its much simpler than the 26 alphabets. there's only 10 numbers you see, so it means less homework for me to practise writing. and who knows why i never, couldn't, wouldn't, change my god damn 'unique' way of holding a pencil. mine is like holding a rock. lol. so again, i couldn't produce beautiful, identical, perfect writings in a straight line. yea, my handwriting sucks. til now. haha..so numbers are again easier for me. and one pathetic fact, i'm 19 and i still couldn't sign properly. argh. how long i've tried to design a signature??maybe its easier if its in numbers?? and again, numbers are simple and logical, the never changing rules for me are common sense. haha. like duh??1+1 is 2!!lol. here's one time, in the end of year 3, my mum bought me a standard 4 maths work book. and i finished it in a week, even before the holidays ended. other work books, haha. blank. in form 3, i borrowed kumon maths for crystal after pmr, just for the fun doing it. lol. so u get the point.
so. that's 1 fact that remains. another one is my habit of writing notes. when i was particularly down, or happy, that is. i used to have a secret page in my note book, where i stick to pages of the paper together to form a paper pocket. i would insert notes like ' gambateh' , ' i miss mum', sort of secret thoughts into it.haha. and of course its always found out and read by somebody some how. embarrassing. lol. but, yep. this habit remains. but of course i don't do it in a note book with a paper pocket anymore. i use technology. and thank god, its more reliable and no one could read them anymore. haha.
and the art works!!haha. i'm proud that this last until now. it starts from standard 3 i think. and during secondary i almost make one kind of artwork every year. haha.i always give away all of them to people i love, and barely having a single one for myself. lol. i don't like keeping my art works, the effort will be totally wasted. haha. i've did manga drawings, fun drawing, stars, name stickers, pom poms, book marks, cards, names done with strings...
these are the most recent ones i made!!=]
the bunny is for crystal!!and the owl is for ning!!though i dunno when i'll see u and its way too early for ur b'day..and its not ji..but owl is the same kind i gues??haha..too bad i can't mass produce it like a pom pom..its too time consuming. i need 4 hours to make one..aiks..so i'll slowly make when i have time k?? i swear i'll make more!!
and bout the crappy mood. it gets over fast. how??for me, i stuff headphone in my ears, loud music (not soft volumes that i usually set to blend with the noise around me just so i can concentrate). loud ones which are just enough to cover up my crappy thoughts. then, a cup of Chinese tea, only for myself (not like the usual which i make for everyone else), and homework. ya. all things to occupy me just to get over with the crappy mood. and after its over, blog. and there it is, satisfaction=] and ok, this is not one of the stuffs that remains after so many years. in fact, it is developed only in recent years. to deal with the whole growing up complication.
hrm.. have i gone to be a loser after all these years?a certain person always make me feel like one. but no matter. its just crappy thoughts. means it'll be over so soon that i'll forget about it in no time and be suprised that this thought even crossed my mind.
blog. my only medium to practise english. love it.
til then..
chaoz~
and bout the crappy mood. it gets over fast. how??for me, i stuff headphone in my ears, loud music (not soft volumes that i usually set to blend with the noise around me just so i can concentrate). loud ones which are just enough to cover up my crappy thoughts. then, a cup of Chinese tea, only for myself (not like the usual which i make for everyone else), and homework. ya. all things to occupy me just to get over with the crappy mood. and after its over, blog. and there it is, satisfaction=] and ok, this is not one of the stuffs that remains after so many years. in fact, it is developed only in recent years. to deal with the whole growing up complication.
hrm.. have i gone to be a loser after all these years?a certain person always make me feel like one. but no matter. its just crappy thoughts. means it'll be over so soon that i'll forget about it in no time and be suprised that this thought even crossed my mind.
blog. my only medium to practise english. love it.
til then..
chaoz~
Friday, January 28, 2011
mm hmmm...
mm hmm..its holidays already..haha..i like holidays so much nowadays, coz college life is so lifeless. the lessons are pointless, as in it won't make any difference if i attend or not..anyway, one thing to declare, i've finally made up my mind, and registered for FURTHER MATHEMATICS a levels exam already. oh my, what a huge and stubborn decision..after soooo many times tired and being fed up of self studying this whole extremely tough (i dare not say stupid) subject, who knows, i persisted. lol. i'm so suprised with my self, for staying firm for one whole year. and no tuition man!!haha..and some people say i don't have a stand, easily influenced and so..but huh!!i've hold on to a god damn subject for so long. and did not drop when so many others did. lol. but too early to be happy la..i'm still quite far from securing an A in it. well, that's the reason i'm in the super nerd mode now. haih.
anyway, i think i don't hate inti so much already.the staff are friendly. and now i have a decent chemistry lecturer, i don't have much to complain about anymore. my timetable is in order (finally) and its fees IS much cheaper than other colleges. even the exam fees are cheaper. for the same papers, i paid 825 while i heard taylor's have to pay 960?? since i got nice results for AS, well, i conclude that college's reputation isn't everything..haha..however, the fact i don't ENJOY a levels remains. different frequency, lonely in studies, no one to turn to when i'm in nerd mode (coz inti nerd mode people is very rare). oh well, getting used to it now already.
A Levels. won't miss it when it ends. from what i see and feel now anyways. ttc. well, getting lost in touch recently too..old pals..some here some there..some i miss, some i see, some i regretted, some forgets me (oh well). the turning point awaits everybody. for us 19s anyways. be prepared before we part ways again.
cny is coming, but the excitement is not. parties, visit?don't fancy much..will see how then. am feeling guilty for yet sending chinese new year card to my foster family. shit. visit to johor?not likely. haih.
so, yeah, i'm in a total nerd mode right now. as all A2 candidates, exam is in 3 and a half months time. much syllabus yet to cover, not to mention my further maths. and yeah, studies might be boring, and self study can be lonely and suffocating. but hey, its A levels, what do you expect??buck up already, people.
i have so much to catch up, with so many people i have in mind. argh. i so miss the long chats we can have anytime anywhere. BUT. i rarely even online, not to mention attend gatherings.haih.
til then?
HAPPY CNY, people.
chaoz~
anyway, i think i don't hate inti so much already.the staff are friendly. and now i have a decent chemistry lecturer, i don't have much to complain about anymore. my timetable is in order (finally) and its fees IS much cheaper than other colleges. even the exam fees are cheaper. for the same papers, i paid 825 while i heard taylor's have to pay 960?? since i got nice results for AS, well, i conclude that college's reputation isn't everything..haha..however, the fact i don't ENJOY a levels remains. different frequency, lonely in studies, no one to turn to when i'm in nerd mode (coz inti nerd mode people is very rare). oh well, getting used to it now already.
A Levels. won't miss it when it ends. from what i see and feel now anyways. ttc. well, getting lost in touch recently too..old pals..some here some there..some i miss, some i see, some i regretted, some forgets me (oh well). the turning point awaits everybody. for us 19s anyways. be prepared before we part ways again.
cny is coming, but the excitement is not. parties, visit?don't fancy much..will see how then. am feeling guilty for yet sending chinese new year card to my foster family. shit. visit to johor?not likely. haih.
so, yeah, i'm in a total nerd mode right now. as all A2 candidates, exam is in 3 and a half months time. much syllabus yet to cover, not to mention my further maths. and yeah, studies might be boring, and self study can be lonely and suffocating. but hey, its A levels, what do you expect??buck up already, people.
i have so much to catch up, with so many people i have in mind. argh. i so miss the long chats we can have anytime anywhere. BUT. i rarely even online, not to mention attend gatherings.haih.
til then?
HAPPY CNY, people.
chaoz~
Friday, January 14, 2011
me and miss SIO LENG HUE=]
haha. yep!!this post is dedicated to miss sio leng hue!!!my partner and best friend in so many ways, after 4 years knowing each other..haha..i specially dig out all the photos of me and miss pretty sio..to share our sweet once upon a time..haha..
"17. sit beside me in class for 3 years...noe her since we were arranged to sit together in form 3...most memorable thing said, 'i wanna go toilet' 'i wanna sleep' 'i'm hungry' etc..most memorable thing done shud be when she ponteng class and leave me alone in class...wakakaka..no la..tempt me to eat grapes or other edible stuff in class is also memorable=] A jellyfish or cute animal socks with ears are what i'll remember her by..haha"
lol. this was a description i wrote for leng hue in my old blog when i was 'tagged by louise' in july 2009 ..so this is how miss sio live her secondary school life!!NOW i remember..haha..
and wee~~we have soooo many photos for leng hue to remember me by!!
2010 sports day..i rmb leng sleeping in ttc early in the morning..haha..isin't her head round and cute????
you tian's wedding..thx god she's there to keep me company..great times=]
prom!!!!!been crazy bout it for months. how i begged leng hue to go. lol.
ws and us make a perfect 3 8 gang=]
i was wondering why i'm holding leng hue's hand like that..then i remembered, we were in a middle of a mafia game..lol.
this should be our last photo in form 5??haha..
haha..this is a picture post only..more later..bye=]
"17. sit beside me in class for 3 years...noe her since we were arranged to sit together in form 3...most memorable thing said, 'i wanna go toilet' 'i wanna sleep' 'i'm hungry' etc..most memorable thing done shud be when she ponteng class and leave me alone in class...wakakaka..no la..tempt me to eat grapes or other edible stuff in class is also memorable=] A jellyfish or cute animal socks with ears are what i'll remember her by..haha"
lol. this was a description i wrote for leng hue in my old blog when i was 'tagged by louise' in july 2009 ..so this is how miss sio live her secondary school life!!NOW i remember..haha..
and wee~~we have soooo many photos for leng hue to remember me by!!
2010 sports day..i rmb leng sleeping in ttc early in the morning..haha..isin't her head round and cute????
you tian's wedding..thx god she's there to keep me company..great times=]
prom!!!!!been crazy bout it for months. how i begged leng hue to go. lol.
GRADUATION!!wearing our brand new class-t
ws and us make a perfect 3 8 gang=]
fringe and braces gang!!!why the hell did we choose this picture for class page..lol
class trip..how i con leng hue to go..wahahaha..
nice nice 'romantic' photo=]
i was wondering why i'm holding leng hue's hand like that..then i remembered, we were in a middle of a mafia game..lol.
this should be our last photo in form 5??haha..
haha..this is a picture post only..more later..bye=]
Sunday, January 9, 2011
flipping through the old pages...
just took a visit to my old blog, "sheep in the big city"..and, sadly again, realized that my old blog is much much happier than this new one. filled with photos, coloured words, words of different sizes, and lastly total truthfulness. not that i ever lie in my blog, but in this one, as you may notice (or not), many things are hidden, not reported, or hopefully forgotten and not reminded by. i notice i've write stuff like, 'i love you, juniors!!!!', ' missing you already,my friends, who and who, 5s7!!', in my old blog, totally and truly full with emotion at the time. lol. while now, i may just have written like, what?oh ya, 'may you be well.' lol.
well, i've flip through this blog as well, and noticed that the happier tone is only during the months of july and august, when i've joined the 21st community service. haha. ya, that's a really nice event, bout 2 to 3 months long...ya, freak like me love activities, missions, tasks, challenges..things like having fun in a mall shopping, karaoke, sight seeing, (or worse, a club) or something rarely excites me..
people always say live in the now, live in the now. but, memories and past are so pretty that sometimes you just want to taste that happiness, simplicity, passion, and emotion at that particular times, again, and maybe again and again and again..
well. today is the last day of my holidays. BACK TO SCHOOL. argh. don't know happy or sad. one thing is i hate inti and one thing is i so miss studying already. haha. quite used to emotionless these days. anyway, i've finally make progress in the art works i'm talking about!!haha. sooo glad its still in my blood. hee!!!(really quite proud of myself) coz i'm lacking and lacking contact with each of my friends that i so treasure, so i usually like to make handmade souvenirs for them to remember me by!! besides that, i'm recollecting memories of all my old art works. they're like my handmade collections or something, just that they're in other people's hands, taking care of them for me.haha. hopefully i can post it here some day to remember them by..
ok. last day of holiday. having A2 this year. so, as usual in my old blog, i'll say something like this at this kinda moment...
BUCK UP!!!!!
haha..its a message dedicated to all of you.. good days to you..and by the way, its a new year already, who knows maybe things would get better=]
til then.
chaoz~
well, i've flip through this blog as well, and noticed that the happier tone is only during the months of july and august, when i've joined the 21st community service. haha. ya, that's a really nice event, bout 2 to 3 months long...ya, freak like me love activities, missions, tasks, challenges..things like having fun in a mall shopping, karaoke, sight seeing, (or worse, a club) or something rarely excites me..
people always say live in the now, live in the now. but, memories and past are so pretty that sometimes you just want to taste that happiness, simplicity, passion, and emotion at that particular times, again, and maybe again and again and again..
well. today is the last day of my holidays. BACK TO SCHOOL. argh. don't know happy or sad. one thing is i hate inti and one thing is i so miss studying already. haha. quite used to emotionless these days. anyway, i've finally make progress in the art works i'm talking about!!haha. sooo glad its still in my blood. hee!!!(really quite proud of myself) coz i'm lacking and lacking contact with each of my friends that i so treasure, so i usually like to make handmade souvenirs for them to remember me by!! besides that, i'm recollecting memories of all my old art works. they're like my handmade collections or something, just that they're in other people's hands, taking care of them for me.haha. hopefully i can post it here some day to remember them by..
ok. last day of holiday. having A2 this year. so, as usual in my old blog, i'll say something like this at this kinda moment...
BUCK UP!!!!!
haha..its a message dedicated to all of you.. good days to you..and by the way, its a new year already, who knows maybe things would get better=]
til then.
chaoz~
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011
The arrival of year 2011, indicates that i'm one more year older. age of 19, getting into university soon. the big word 'mahasiswi' 'll soon apply to me. not longer a teenager and approaching adulthood in full speed. hmmm..its only one year since i graduate from secondary school, yet i feel that my secondary school self seem already so far away. its like from age 17 to 19 is a very very big gap.. i don't feel this way when i'm from 13 to 15, or 15 to 17..
new year. feel like a whole new era this time..many friends flying off to other countries soon. so its not like i could see them now or then anymore, like last year. separation will indeed be, well, separation. no more hanging out or saying hi in similar colleges like inti, sunway or taylor's, as each now will really spread all over the world, each into different pathway, different universities, different lives and culture. yep, the path we walk on together for long, tough maybe many had remain on the same fork way for last one year, will soon reach yet another junction. this time, with hundreds of choices, not just the 5 or 6 common colleges, all long and windy, each leading into different lives and cultures, and who knows when is the next time we will meet again.
people say secondary school lives is the best times in our lives. so mine had reach an end, and could only continue to search my own way of life, my fork way at the junction and awaits people who i'll meet in the process.
friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. what and who awaits us beyond the junction have yet been known. we can only prepare ourselves, hope and do our best, and embrace the differences and changes once more.
to my friends, may everything be well when we parted, may each of us make best of what is given to us, and finally, may we meet again, for days yet to come=]
may all be well.
chaoz~
new year. feel like a whole new era this time..many friends flying off to other countries soon. so its not like i could see them now or then anymore, like last year. separation will indeed be, well, separation. no more hanging out or saying hi in similar colleges like inti, sunway or taylor's, as each now will really spread all over the world, each into different pathway, different universities, different lives and culture. yep, the path we walk on together for long, tough maybe many had remain on the same fork way for last one year, will soon reach yet another junction. this time, with hundreds of choices, not just the 5 or 6 common colleges, all long and windy, each leading into different lives and cultures, and who knows when is the next time we will meet again.
people say secondary school lives is the best times in our lives. so mine had reach an end, and could only continue to search my own way of life, my fork way at the junction and awaits people who i'll meet in the process.
friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. what and who awaits us beyond the junction have yet been known. we can only prepare ourselves, hope and do our best, and embrace the differences and changes once more.
to my friends, may everything be well when we parted, may each of us make best of what is given to us, and finally, may we meet again, for days yet to come=]
may all be well.
chaoz~
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