The Mind Game

The first quarter of year 2017 has been a hectic one, in my head. As some of you might have heard, I was looking for a change in my career. A desperate change. And if you know me, well, I was not the most equipped person to deal with change.

I should have calmed down. But, I couldn't, at first. I was dealing with the frustration at work, the frustration at job hunting, the frustration of not knowing what to choose, and the frustration at trying to study and learn everything at once. And what happened after all these frustrations?? I failed the interview for my supposingly dream job. I was too worked up, too stressed up, too obssessed about a job that I thought as my only way out, that I just screwed up the interview. And fall sick. Low blood pressure, fever, cough, flu for about a month.

Lesson learnt? Yea. Nothing was achieved. And of course I wasn't able to 'enjoy' the journey of chasing my dream when I was so caught up in my worries and brooding and fears. And so, to recover, I calmed down. This turned into a mind game. Its no longer the how-can-I-become-a-data-scientist-as-fast-as-possible game. It became the mind game. The game of how to train my mind to cope with the change, gradually, persistently, and happily.

And, it is not easy. My mind was very loud and chaotic. Was. I have successfully managed to stand guard at the gateway my mind, managing my thoughts. Again, not easy, not 100% full proof managed. But definitely significant improvement that I am able to calm down and enjoy my day-to-day activities, and let time bring out the change I want gradually.

And now, you can congratulate me. I have found a new job =) Not the job which I had in mind when I started out job hunting, but I believe it will be a very good job nonetheless. I'm at a happy place, I'm studying diligently, and I'm enjoying the process, very much.

Managing the mind is a daily practice. I have to love myself more in the process, forgive myself for the mistakes I made, and think of more good thoughts. I'm finally feeling like myself again, calmed, and able to give out more positive aura. Sorry neighbours who had to deal with my grumpiness during that period of time. And I thank the authors of Eat Pray Love, and The Monk who Sold His Ferrarri, which have taught me and reminded me about mind managing. And also a big thank you to the Ancient Indian Monks who invented Yoga. Great great activity to calm the mind and rejuvenate the soul.

Defining Year

I have high hopes for year 2017. This year is very much my defining year. This year is the year where I have nothing more to lose, but everything to gain. This is the year where I can decide my destiny. Some points in life bring clarity into your life, and you are left with nothing but the desire to move forward.

Things can only get better from now on. I trust that now I finally have the right attitude towards life. I'm finally embracing adulthood I guess. One thing Dubai has taught me is that life can be so happy and beautiful by just bringing in the right attitude to life every single day. Simple as that. Attitude. And the people here in Dubai makes this so easy. Multicultural environment is so fun and challenging in the sense that, everyday you are asking yourself to understand, accept and respect people who are so different from one another. Good vibe and energy in the office is really infectious, and it does wonders to people. People commit willingly, responsibly, and they put their best foot forward at work every single day. Hats off to the leadership of this office, for making this possible and happy for everyone.

I'm now practicing mindfulness everyday. It is still SO HARD to discipline my mind. But at least I'm always consciously trying to be aware of my thoughts everyday. I'm also thankful for this three months of self explore. I've learnt to be happy while being completely alone and I could learn listen to myself so much better while being away from my chaotic homeland for awhile. And also I think I could finally be at peace with who I am and forgive myself with my flaws. This is really good progress for me.

Malaysians, let's be less judgemental, less crude, and be kinder towards others okay? It will bring about change not only towards others, but more so towards yourself.

One Year

Passed the one year mark since I have started working. In gatherings, the conversations surround a singular topic - career. Our generation, the company management, the job market, the path. We are finally all official working adults.

Well, for me, this one year has indeed been an adventure, more of an internal one, rather than the physical one. Without the syllables of any more course work, growth has been increasingly more abstract. What should I go into, how should I do this, where should I look? 

For me, the answer is always Google. I have not acquired the mentor of my career and life. And I have tonnes of questions and skills which I wish I have/ want to build. The most natural thing I could do is Google it. sometimes find and read a book about it. 

The problem is, there is no outlined coursework, no deadlines, no rewards, no pressure, no commitments (yet). Without discipline, it's too easy to sway from the work required to be done to achieve something. Without urgency, procrastination and laziness set in.

I'm turning 25 next year, while I think that I have somewhat overcome my quarter life crisis, I need to start focusing my energy diligently into building my identity. No fear, stay positive, be nice, and grow great. I hope for all the energy, patience and courage in building up myself. Half of my 20s is over, when else to embrace youth other than now? 

Twenties

How can I not panic. HOW? I mean, for my whole life I've been following some sorta fixed schedule. And then I'm finally released into the real society. To work to earn and to live. Suddenly there are lights of hope everywhere, and the same amount of death traps everywhere. The universe say: off you go. do whatever you want!

The thing is, you have just to let go and try. There's 1000 worries in my head, regrets, longing, brooding, fear, of the past and of the future. But I have to let go an focus on the present. Do not compare. Do not brood on those that have been gone. Do not worry of the future. Do not fear of the unknown and possibility of failure.  It's hard to discipline my mind. But we have to accept that life is bittersweet. Happy ending does not come without hardships and challenges in life. And I already know exactly what should I do to achieve wholesomeness and good life.

Work hard, persevere, be positive, hope, build identity capital, be positive, be kind, be nice, keep in touch, be open minded, take care of my health, try new things etc etc. The thing is, this is a difficult list. In this harsh, mean society, it's so easy to get bitter and angry and lazy. Reality is hitting you in the face, wave after wave trying to tear your confidence and your patience and your soft heart apart. Temptations leading you off course begging you to procrastinate and put off that life changing plan again and again. Yet you must climb beyond all that to achieve greatness. 

Happiness is not free. It is the outcome of what you are willing to suffer. We must constantly manifest the things that would bring us happiness and blessings.

Inspired from: Eat pray love, TedTalk's 30 is not the new 20, and 50 things to do to build identify capital (basically the things that I have been reading and watching recently). For me, this is the true path. This would very much define my twenties.

First Job

Yes, new stage of life! Starting Monday. I'm officially a Field Application Engineer!!! Not that that's what I imagine to be when I started job hunting. In fact, I have no idea what I want to be, right now. But after attending several interviews, product development and research work doesn't appeal to me anymore. The fact of being locked up in a lab in a huge factory feels exactly like going back to school. And, at this point, I just feel that I want to get out of the lab. Technical stuff is not enough for me anymore. I need to be more. I want to grow to be more. 

Is it fate? When I applied for this first job, I'm not appealed to it at all. In fact, I was looking for something technical like design or process engineer. This job just gets in the way and I apply it anyways. Then, this is the first call I got, right after the day I sent the application! The first interview I attend. And the more I research about it, the more appealing it becomes! Then, it's also the first offer I got! Seriously, the whole process takes like 2 weeks, and tadahhhh, I'm hired and about to start work straight away.

Anyways, the field application engineer's job scope to is liase between the customer side and the manufacturing side. It's technical, yet also requires lots of communication. So, it's kinda versatile. After being cooped up in uni for so long, I seek for a balance between technical and non-technical. I NEED BALANCE.

Also, I have not even start working. So of course in my mind my first job is going to be rainbows and unicorns. I don't how much would reality deviate. Maybe I would be back here to rant and complain in less than a week. Oh wells. I have to start some where. 

til then. ciao!

Quarter Life Crisis

Is it over dramatic to call this a quarter life crisis? I think not. I am at the point of life where everything turns, or rather changes. Turning point. Point of no return (is it?). 

At this point, I don't know what to choose. That's the flaw of the education system. You rush and rush your education until when you've finally come to the end of it, you don't now what's next.

My strategy? Try and see. seriously, I don't know anyway better.

And the problem? I'm worry sick. which is not helping. And therefor here I am to remind myself to be at the present. And tell my self, this. is. it.

This is it. The now. the moment. I cannot worry about the million things that could go wrong in the future. I cannot keep looking back asking questions why I am here. All I have is now. My time, my knowledge, my people. This is what I have, right here, right now. This is it. No more, no less. Stop looking else where. Be in the now.

I have to focus on that. Coz I see myself worrying all the time, even though I have yet to submit any applications. I'm already worrying about where, what, and how I'm gonna work, when I'm not even there yet. What I need to do is to evaluate all the options that I have now. Prepare and approach all the options, as readily as I can. And enjoy the free time I have. 

I'm so blessed to have so much free time to do anything I want (no budget though), and I should focus on this rather than being worry.

the future is bright, not dark. Stop assuming the worst. Start here, start now. I am where I am and I am who I am. Crisis or not, I'll get through it just like everything else.

Dig Deep

A month has past. Since I've completed my degree. While its so fun and addictive to lay around watching Grey's Anatomy, the voice in my head starts growing stronger and louder, asking me to get my ass off the couch, and apply for a job already.

While getting a good job is very desirable, I'm too lazy to start preparing resumes and start attending interviews. Which, I'll have to do one way or another eventually. Most likely, September will be the month I start working. So there's exactly one month duration for me to get a job and hop on the train to my next stage of life.

Everyone in my home is also soon going on with their respective stages of life this coming September. Big sis has gotten a scholarship and is going to UK to pursue a MBA master degree. Little sis would be starting uni at Nottingham in Semenyih in a engineering course. So that means very soon, I'll be the only one left in my room. At least for a year.

Change is necessary. Change is good. Knowing that I would be alone soon, means that I have to get back out there soon. Hanging around at home won't do any good, especially knowing that the two sisters are out there learning and growing. I have to get out and learn about life too.

To do that, I have to dig deep. I've been feeling anti social and too much of an introvert lately. I have to remind myself to snap out of it and remind myself that that is not true. I have my social life all the while. Yes, even in Monash, until Year 2 anyways. It is Year 3 onwards that the workload got so heavy that I got out of all social activities. I was very active in high school. I was a prefect, joined the choir and the chinese orchestra group, participated in countless concerts and camps and events. And then I was involved in the 7-day community service and organize several events during my A levels, while working part time in TTC, while self studying and acing Further Maths. How cool is that?In Monash, I was selected to participate in the Engineering Leadership Program, a mentor-mentee program, and help started up the IEM student chapter. And there was one year where I was active in the D2Y buddhist youth club. Pretty active all the while until some things start to fall apart and I was stuck with a miserable all-study life.

So yea. I was active. And I have to get back to that. Being active. And being open to opportunities and greatness. I must dig out all my social personalities,  and believe that I am better than my all-study-no-life self. That was temporary even though necessary. For the thesis and assignments and projects. But, no more. Now I'm free to choose again. Yes, disasters happen all the time, even during the long list of awesome activities I've been involved in. I've broken down a significant number of times, I've lost contact and maybe even burn bridges with way too many friends, and I have failed in so many things. Yet experiences are experiences nevertheless. They made up the pages of the stories of my past. Beautiful and invaluable experiences with bittersweet memories.

So its time, to write a new page. To start afresh. To choose a new life. And that can only be done if I put in everything I have into the application of my first job. Choose wisely, carefully, open-minded-ly. With some luck, I just might be off to some great start.