harsh life

this is gonna be a harsh post, to myself. this week, week 9, busiest week ever. I built a RUBE GOLDBERG MACHINE and a NOOB NEWSPAPER BRIDGE this week. PLUS several quizzes and lab test and codings and studying and, complicated issues. ya, tough week indeed.  

given this kinda work load, it really had tested my stress level to near maximum. and THIS is where the testing of your MENTALITY POWER comes in. because, when you are stress, you handle everything so much worse than usual, and every obstacle you encounter could just be your breaking point. 

ya, everything practically goes very very wrong when you are stress. I ALMOST lost my phone. I ALREADY lost my pen drive. even luck don't side with me with my machine. screwed the lectures. screwed the tutorials and weekly assignments. SCREWED THE FREAKING ELECTRICAL LAB PRACTICES!!! lost temper with my friends. cried three times this week. and I think I screwed up my teaching too. AND. it's a viscous cycle. it cause me to quarrel with my sis, twice. its unneeded. really. AND, there goes my breaking point. ==  

so. life, harsh indeed right? just when you try very very hard to control and handle everything, a small situation occurred and tipped off everything you've been trying to do and ruined every single thing. 

ya, I'm a year one student. this kinda stress level SHOULD be nothing compared to the future years that I'll eventually face. I THOUGHT I'm better than this. apparently I'm not.  

so, what to do? care less I guess. can't handle too much expectations. and also, increase my ULTIMATE LIMIT STATE. it's sort of the same thing right? make sure my mind don't yield or buckle during worst case scenario. BIG people don't get affected by small things!! 

something harsh, something sad: 没妈的孩子，像根草。ya, it's very true, people. pls, love your mums.  

grass is still strong. flexible, and very strong. even if i'm a mango flavour grass. lol. I will survive. i will find the right path for me. 

可遇不可求的人、事、物，不能强求。耐心。 

til then.  

chaoz~ 

p/s: despite everything, I believe things WILL change for the better, eventually. pls believe that too, ok?

why no easy?

there's this quote from thingsweforget. "bite more than you can chew, then chew it." ya, recently i've been biting LOTS of stuff. i want to be everywhere, everything, and at least good at some. pushing and pushing myself to the limit. and, now,i'm restless as ever. backfired plan. lol. ya, time to take a break, pull back in to myself and calm myself down. things won't go well with me being cranky constantly anyway.

messed up mind i have. and facade failed failed and failed miserably again as always.

some say i could make good use of my alien mentality to deal with things. hmm, for one, i think people don't mind being harsh and honest with me. means i can get real and honest feedback from them. though its like 'ouch' sometimes, i think i could handle it and SHOULD handle it.

and, i should learn to accept. ACCEPT. whatever it already is.

not gonna elaborate much. sleepy, and long day ahead.

til then.

chaoz~

大城市，小故事。

recently, I've heard LOTS of stories. stories of parts of life where I have not gone through. lol. as we grow up, things tend to get more complicated. as in, VERY complicated. @$$-_>>{€}%{>]€\€{!\€\£.!?|. ya, it's THIS complicated. 

anw, I really think my friends damn pro. MOST of them seriously truly really very damn pro. lol. how could they process and UNDERSTAND and CONTROL and REALIZE this kinda complicated stuff. as in human stuff. how u see them, communicate, feel, inspire, decide, advise, manage, handle in, everything related to human. when they get to this topic, most of them have LOTS of opinions and comments and stories. and i would be like, listen, and go 'oh ya horh?'. but if I see those things myself, I would practically come out with nth. okay, maybe i would come out with something, but its ALWAYS the very-small-almost-insignificant part of the BIG picture. hmmm. how do they process their emotions? coz sometimes, I really have none, or very little of it. aiks. 

左看右看，我的视野还是那么的小。世界很大，我要加油加油。

til then,

chaoz~

I know right?

basically i don't have much of a topic to blog on today. just that today finally chill a bit d, after handing in a whole lot of bloody assignments that we rushed out during the mid term break@@ , so, i have the time to crap a bit =p

so, funny things i noticed about engineering students. for one, our characters are almost similar to each other, a point i've appreciated much. i remembered how much i have struggled to blend into a conversation during A levels. just, there's like, too. much. difference. but, the similarity among engineering students i'm talking about, is not similar in the CHS way, where til now i believe, chs people some how still share a certain special chs frequency. lol. In engineering, first, mostly are nerds, then many are safe-route-takers, then we have quiet-from-the-outside-yet-fun-and-cute-people ( seriously, semuanya diam diam ubi berisi, trust me), and duh don't-dress-up-much-people-because-our-class-starts-so-early-that-we-don't-have-time. and ya, mostly the nerd part. its like our faces already spell the word ENGINEERING.

another thing is, cliques and gangs among engineering students are ever so obvious. not that there's no cliques elsewhere. its just that engineers are really MEANT to be in a group. and almost everyone here belong to a gang. We study, eat, play, do work, in a group. its just how we function. and we do those stuff with the same few people. and the groups don't merge with one another. some how, everybody is very comfortable with just their own gang. and i mean EVERYBODY. or the groups would have merged, right? but, i don't mean this in a bad way. small groups have LOTS of benefits. comfortable, close, fun, peaceful =D its just funny that how a whole batch of people's thoughts fall right on the same trend as everyone else, liking small cliques. SEE? see how similar our characters are?? must be this engineering stuff, i'd say. the environment some how forced us into it. hrm. i could name quite a few names of this sort of gangs, interesting ones, and of course the best one is If I Die Young Taiping, like, seriously the best one =p and  somehow i don't see this trend in other courses. for example, business and medicine. some. how. hmmm.

engineering life. suite me. and from now on i would work much much harder on other stuff besides studies. i would. i must.

good news. i'm not terrified of presentations any more! i would still freak out, of course (who doesn't?), but, much less, i think. hmm. guess its time to give some extra. who knows i might turn out to be a GOOD presenter? O.O ok, hold that thought, much effort needed there.

ok. another half of the semester. here goes everything.

til then.

chaoz~

homo sapiens

humans. such COMPLICATED beings. arrrrr.

humans are so unique. each individual is so DIFFERENT. same species, same body structure. yet some how the difference of one's mind to another is like two different universe, as alien as it could be. recently I've been thinking so much about it that i think i could come up with a comic book on it. lol.

in primary school, we learn to be a 人见人爱 person. in truth, its bullshit. humans differ so much from one another. each is brought up differently, each wants different things. there's just too many elements. in reality, its either you fake to please someone, or you just don't care any shit of it. 

is it because of my blue(logical, analytical personality)-ness? recently I'm like going around defining the people's I've met. i would kinda analyse the personality of people, group them, explain them, see things the way they see, then usually discuss the 'conclusions' with my sis. and my sis would say things like, 'you can't define a person just like that', or 'there's much more to that', or 'why do you even want to define them?'. lol.

guess this is the Aquarius-pieces cusp personality thing that my sis is talking about? I'm not really into horoscope but maybe this thing she got it right. she always say that i see things very differently from other people. like i have some sort of alien mentality. hrm.

actually, i think this human thing is kinda interesting. really. if I'm not so sick of bio, i would dissect some brain to see how the brain works. or the heart. as we grow up, there's so much more to a person's character. not just good, bad, happy, angry or sad. humans are capable of sarcasm, humour, faking, lameness, spacing out, bluffing, joking, syok-sendiri-ing, and many other characters that actually, in a way, don't make any sense. lol. seriously, any of those aren't actually vital for survival, speaking from an animal's point of view. yet, we have them, the ability to define situations  in the way we see things.

好的一半，坏的一半。that's what humans are. funny that we're always so aware of it, yet could do quite little to make the better out of it. alas, for any imperfections i see, i could conclude that its because we're just human. very human. 

人生无常。humans are very adaptive. and things change very easily. given enough time, one thing can change from A to Z and back to A again, where that might not be the end of it, and then after that, might still change some more. In years, so many things can happen and you really can never guess the what,when, how, and whys of the end. and I've seen good examples in How I Met Your Mother and Desperate Housewives. not the best place to learn life's lessons, but hey, they're really good dramas okay?

okay. maybe I'm not making any sense. but some how i just need to get this out of my mind. and maybe some how, i hope seeing things like this can help me to be a better person.

今年。我的新年志愿可以说有两个。一个是做个好人，一个是做个大人。说实话，同时间做这两样一点也不简单。

okay. I'm making less and less sense here. and my English. since when it sucks so much??@@ given the confusion in my mind, this post would lead anyone no where, so, better just end it here.

til then.

wait. i think i'm seeing the trend here. study days, i blog about studies. holidays, i blog about my mind@@. why my mind no peace?? damn.

okay. til then.

chaoz~

freaking engineering!!!!

TADAHHHH. it's mid sem break. means I have time to blog =D and this's the post title because it sounds like some curse, so. lol. 

recently, life is hectic like HELL. like, seriously. I even fell sick because of it =( engineering course, no joke man. 24 credit hours a week, and that excludes self-studying time. this sem, self-studying is like, you do or die. especially computing, MATlab. omg, why shoooooo hard? seriously I damn noob in this. damn noob. almost everyday, I stayed back at uni because of MATlab. that alone has taken up so much of my time. argh. and majoring in electrical, I have to stick with it and be pro at it. goshhhh. why is it so hard? 

and omg damn a lot of smart people in engineering make me damn stress only arrrr. they all damn pro in so many extra stuff, it's like where do u even learn that kinda stuff?they do codings and formulas to generate answers for our project, like, out of thin air. damn pro k? thx god there's one of the genius in my group. all I know is to take out calculator and hit the buttons one by one@@ and the way they document stuff and jot notes down, in EVERY lecture and EVERY assignment. so detailed. AND their speed in doing them. it's like, are u even human??so persistent, so hardcore. imagine living in the same circle with those people. PEER pressure, that's what I call it. lol.
 

and things are getting, how do I put it, a bit complicated. oops. conflict here and there. engineering requires lots of group work, there's gangs and cliques forming everywhere, plus there's still this too-many-guys-hence-bo-balance thing, some of the things are getting on to my nerves. hmmm. need to control. my temper.  

and I know I damn nerd this sem. damn! I don't want that. but, still no outside activities for me to engage in. hrm. I'm also spending too much time with people within the engineering circle. everyday assignment this, calculation that, matlab this, coding that. that makes things bo balanced too. damn. 

on the other hand, how is even possible, I still feel I'm behind schedule. argh. HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I SPENT ON STUDYING? almost all the time, I'd say. eeeee. why I still no pro? T.T 

aaaaaand, thx god I still don't hate electrical and MATlab. thx god. 

dear MATlab, pls don't scare me too much?I damn scared T.T 

mid sem break, I shoooooo need this break. I need to BREATHE. I need to get out of monash T.T i need a break from going to uni from EARLY morning til LATE evening EVERY SINGLE DAY then jam for ONE HOUR home and still repeating the same routine EVERY week. 

lol. 

my life now. stress much? duh. 

I still enjoy it though. I must be insane. lol. 

til then. 

chaoz~

ENG 1030

so the last time I blogged, it had been 3 days of university life, this time, it had been THREE FULL WEEKS. and trust me, it feels like forever already. 

so things are getting more and more technical over here, and the course is still as guy-ish as everrrrr. ditch the man-woman equal theory. there's still wayyyyy too many guys in engineering. ohmygod. though I really don't like the fact that I belong in this guy-ish-very-technical-alien-language course, I'm coping quite well, I think. ishhh, really. why did I turn out to be so ungirl-ly?how I wish I could LOVE bio and study stuff like pharmacy or dentistry like everyone else. grrr. 

anw, thx god I have confirmed that I don't HATE electrical. it's still maths after all. there's been too many discouraging words from my..er hem..beloved friends. haha. but MATlab and electrical, hmm. still not bad baaa. I think I'm quite fine with any of the branches of engineering, really. 

okay. the work load. hello????I'm still in year one. why is there shoooooo much WORK???? T.T i could hardly get home before 5 everyday, AND I reached uni around 8 everyday also, k???INCLUDING weekends. if I had not already lived in sunway, I might as well move into Monash already== 

and. the too many guys thing. it's still kinda freaky k?? I haven't got use to that completely, though I have been in monash for a whole semester already. considering that I grew up in a all girl family, besides my dad. GUYS move around in one BIG gang. GUYS have this pat shoulder/high five/knock knuckles gestures whenever they meet someone they know. GUYS laugh at...everything? GUYS have their manly talk manly meetings manly activities where we girls don't even know or can't join. my point is, we can never really participate in all activities as equals. still. grrr. while we engineering girls have far too few numbers to actually participate in one real girlish activity =( 

not that I really like girlish activities. for one, I don't like group shopping. hrm. guess I don't belong in either activities then. not tomboyish, not girlish either. guess this is what happens when u decided to be a female engineer =) 

well, there's still at least 3 and a half years for me to get used to this environment anyway, there would be a way for me to fit in. hee. 

despite little discomfort, I'm still having a great time. haha. always having to hang out with guys is actually easier. see, I'm contradicting myself again. LOL. what I meant is there's little to control when you talk to a guy, not so easy to offend them, you see. compare to girls.  

and despite being almost half dead, or even in a constant-zombie-like-state everyday, it's still worth while, I think.  

ya, future-female-engineer giving some comments here. so girl, think twice before you join engineering ya? =D 

til then. 

chaoz~