Drunk on Something

In this world, everyone is drunk on something. You have to be. As soon as you are born, when you are being exposed to the world, you find that you have to choose what do you want to get drunk on. We are granted this limited amount of empty time on planet earth, and to chase after things and what we are drunk on is how we pass time. It is how we gain ‘meaning’ to our existence. So, the question is, what are you drunk on?

Some chooses money. Some chooses power, knowledge and fame. Or beauty, thrill and excitement, and religion. And in the process of chasing after something, we will experience both joy and agony. Aye, everything is a trade off. Everything we chase, there is a cost. For me, I chase knowledge. Like many engineers and technical people, I find joy in learning the working of things and the logical reasoning behind problem solving. I enjoy quenching my thirst for knowledge by reading and talking to intellectual people. And I pay for the cost like so. I constantly feel that I am not smart enough, and that I need to learn these twenty other bunch of skills to be better, to be more eloquent, to be great. I feel inferior towards smart people who’ve achieved such and such at a mere young age. And I constantly beat myself up for falling behind a certain field of knowledge.

Aye, the price of getting drunk of something is that it will never be enough. And hence, it’s worth a little extra time to dig a little deeper into yourself. Why do you feel the need to constantly chase after what you are chasing? While it’s human nature to be drawn to things that we like or believe in, it is also useful to question and challenge the reasons that make us so. It is in this process that we can know what drives us and why. To know why is to accept our being as it is, and to accept is to be able to let go of certain expectations and hence help us feel a little better of why we are who we are. To understand what brings us agony will also allow us to ease that agony.

So, identify what it is that you are drunk on. Understand why it brings you joy, as well as agony. When you are mindful of such, you are in better control of your actions and thoughts. To understand is the first step to solving or fixing a problem. And mayhaps, when you know what it is that you are drunk on, you can continue to experience the joy it brings, and use it as a tool to achieve greater things, yet mindful of it so that you are not blindly controlled by it.

Starting Over

Remember that low point? Where I thought there’s just nothing more to lose, and I wanted to turn all the rage and sorrow into energy to build something. To have my sweet ‘revenge’ by being able to get back up, strive even higher, become even better, achieve even more. Starting over felt like a beacon of hope, endless new possibilities, and renewed motivation.

Fast forward one year. That feeling is long over. And starting over just felt like a hell lot of work, with lots of disadvantages, and an endless path of obstacles, filled with lots of frustrations and disappointments.

Also, starting over feels like i’m all alone and all of these are just too much to be dealt with alone. Starting over feels like I’m already so far behind everybody who has already began or who has done it. It could be lonely sometimes. Especially when you know that sometimes you need to detach yourself from the world to get some stuff worked out.

When starting over loses its initial phase of magical feelings, reality unfolds and reveals its true nature. There’s actually tonnes of messy, dirty, back-breaking ground work to be done. There’ll be sweat, tears, streams of swear words. There’ll be boredom, envy, disappointment, doubts, and times where even things that I thought I love will lose its meaning. This is not over exaggerating. This is reality. The mind will dwell. The body tires. The mind will wonder about the path not taken. Sometimes it is like one step forward and two steps back. And things just take time to change. It is the necessary suffer and pain in order to accomplish something big.

BUT, eventually, there will be one real WIN. one big WIN. maybe more than one. But there WILL be a time where I can breathe freely again. This, there is no doubt. This, I am not uncertain. Because, despite all, I have faith in myself and in my choice.

So, keep calm, and carry on, do what you already are doing. Just carry on.

Writing

I’m not a good writer, but I’m in love with writing. Writing is my outlet to connect with myself, to clarify, at a 3rd person’s point of view. And writing brings so much joy and pride to myself. It’s black and white proof, that I’m still sane, I’m still in control, and I’m still free, to express, to imagine and to live.

“Don’t forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, we regard ourselves as a friend.” - Eat Pray Love. I really love this sentence, and I especially find truth in this in writing. Also one of the reasons why I’m still active in twitter. I need this outlet.

But just as I’m managing my mind, I’m now managing my words. The stories I tell myself, the words I used to define my life. Powerful, calming, free words that bring about the true thoughts of my mind. I just love the feeling that I can understand myself and write things out into a clear picture.

I really did consider making this writing thing more serious. Like writing topics that really interest me, instead of just mindless rantings. Purposeful words. Intriguing topics. It’ll be a great project, right?

While my career is all logical and analytical, I want to keep my artistic side alive through writing, and also through art craft making and home design projects. 

I am such a person who finds joy in little specific things. =)

The Mind Game

The first quarter of year 2017 has been a hectic one, in my head. As some of you might have heard, I was looking for a change in my career. A desperate change. And if you know me, well, I was not the most equipped person to deal with change.

I should have calmed down. But, I couldn't, at first. I was dealing with the frustration at work, the frustration at job hunting, the frustration of not knowing what to choose, and the frustration at trying to study and learn everything at once. And what happened after all these frustrations?? I failed the interview for my supposingly dream job. I was too worked up, too stressed up, too obssessed about a job that I thought as my only way out, that I just screwed up the interview. And fall sick. Low blood pressure, fever, cough, flu for about a month.

Lesson learnt? Yea. Nothing was achieved. And of course I wasn't able to 'enjoy' the journey of chasing my dream when I was so caught up in my worries and brooding and fears. And so, to recover, I calmed down. This turned into a mind game. Its no longer the how-can-I-become-a-data-scientist-as-fast-as-possible game. It became the mind game. The game of how to train my mind to cope with the change, gradually, persistently, and happily.

And, it is not easy. My mind was very loud and chaotic. Was. I have successfully managed to stand guard at the gateway my mind, managing my thoughts. Again, not easy, not 100% full proof managed. But definitely significant improvement that I am able to calm down and enjoy my day-to-day activities, and let time bring out the change I want gradually.

And now, you can congratulate me. I have found a new job =) Not the job which I had in mind when I started out job hunting, but I believe it will be a very good job nonetheless. I'm at a happy place, I'm studying diligently, and I'm enjoying the process, very much.

Managing the mind is a daily practice. I have to love myself more in the process, forgive myself for the mistakes I made, and think of more good thoughts. I'm finally feeling like myself again, calmed, and able to give out more positive aura. Sorry neighbours who had to deal with my grumpiness during that period of time. And I thank the authors of Eat Pray Love, and The Monk who Sold His Ferrarri, which have taught me and reminded me about mind managing. And also a big thank you to the Ancient Indian Monks who invented Yoga. Great great activity to calm the mind and rejuvenate the soul.

Defining Year

I have high hopes for year 2017. This year is very much my defining year. This year is the year where I have nothing more to lose, but everything to gain. This is the year where I can decide my destiny. Some points in life bring clarity into your life, and you are left with nothing but the desire to move forward.

Things can only get better from now on. I trust that now I finally have the right attitude towards life. I'm finally embracing adulthood I guess. One thing Dubai has taught me is that life can be so happy and beautiful by just bringing in the right attitude to life every single day. Simple as that. Attitude. And the people here in Dubai makes this so easy. Multicultural environment is so fun and challenging in the sense that, everyday you are asking yourself to understand, accept and respect people who are so different from one another. Good vibe and energy in the office is really infectious, and it does wonders to people. People commit willingly, responsibly, and they put their best foot forward at work every single day. Hats off to the leadership of this office, for making this possible and happy for everyone.

I'm now practicing mindfulness everyday. It is still SO HARD to discipline my mind. But at least I'm always consciously trying to be aware of my thoughts everyday. I'm also thankful for this three months of self explore. I've learnt to be happy while being completely alone and I could learn listen to myself so much better while being away from my chaotic homeland for awhile. And also I think I could finally be at peace with who I am and forgive myself with my flaws. This is really good progress for me.

Malaysians, let's be less judgemental, less crude, and be kinder towards others okay? It will bring about change not only towards others, but more so towards yourself.

One Year

Passed the one year mark since I have started working. In gatherings, the conversations surround a singular topic - career. Our generation, the company management, the job market, the path. We are finally all official working adults.

Well, for me, this one year has indeed been an adventure, more of an internal one, rather than the physical one. Without the syllables of any more course work, growth has been increasingly more abstract. What should I go into, how should I do this, where should I look? 

For me, the answer is always Google. I have not acquired the mentor of my career and life. And I have tonnes of questions and skills which I wish I have/ want to build. The most natural thing I could do is Google it. sometimes find and read a book about it. 

The problem is, there is no outlined coursework, no deadlines, no rewards, no pressure, no commitments (yet). Without discipline, it's too easy to sway from the work required to be done to achieve something. Without urgency, procrastination and laziness set in.

I'm turning 25 next year, while I think that I have somewhat overcome my quarter life crisis, I need to start focusing my energy diligently into building my identity. No fear, stay positive, be nice, and grow great. I hope for all the energy, patience and courage in building up myself. Half of my 20s is over, when else to embrace youth other than now? 

Twenties

How can I not panic. HOW? I mean, for my whole life I've been following some sorta fixed schedule. And then I'm finally released into the real society. To work to earn and to live. Suddenly there are lights of hope everywhere, and the same amount of death traps everywhere. The universe say: off you go. do whatever you want!

The thing is, you have just to let go and try. There's 1000 worries in my head, regrets, longing, brooding, fear, of the past and of the future. But I have to let go an focus on the present. Do not compare. Do not brood on those that have been gone. Do not worry of the future. Do not fear of the unknown and possibility of failure.  It's hard to discipline my mind. But we have to accept that life is bittersweet. Happy ending does not come without hardships and challenges in life. And I already know exactly what should I do to achieve wholesomeness and good life.

Work hard, persevere, be positive, hope, build identity capital, be positive, be kind, be nice, keep in touch, be open minded, take care of my health, try new things etc etc. The thing is, this is a difficult list. In this harsh, mean society, it's so easy to get bitter and angry and lazy. Reality is hitting you in the face, wave after wave trying to tear your confidence and your patience and your soft heart apart. Temptations leading you off course begging you to procrastinate and put off that life changing plan again and again. Yet you must climb beyond all that to achieve greatness. 

Happiness is not free. It is the outcome of what you are willing to suffer. We must constantly manifest the things that would bring us happiness and blessings.

Inspired from: Eat pray love, TedTalk's 30 is not the new 20, and 50 things to do to build identify capital (basically the things that I have been reading and watching recently). For me, this is the true path. This would very much define my twenties.